# Newfie joke



## bagpipe (Sep 19, 2006)

Hopefully this isn't one of those jokes that everyone else in the World has already heard, except me!


A Baptist minister was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to St. John's . After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Newfie asked for Rum & Coke, which was brought and placed before him.The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust.....
"I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

largetongue


----------



## cheezyridr (Jun 8, 2009)




----------



## Roryfan (Apr 19, 2010)

A Newfie was passing by a bar that had a sign out front which read "Lobster Tail & Beer Happy Hour Specials".

"Lord T'underin' Jaysus! Dose are my t'ree favourite t'ings!!"


----------



## Guest (Dec 7, 2012)

two newfs in a boat duck hunting.
"hey earl. how come we ain't catching any ducks"
"maybe you ain't throwin' the dog high enough".


----------



## Milkman (Feb 2, 2006)

What about the mainlander who locked his keys in his car?


(took him three days to get his family out)


----------



## neldom (Apr 29, 2009)

This joke was told to me by a Newfie, one who actually fit the profile a little too well actually...

There was an Albertan and a Newfie working together on a highrise building.
They were sitting down to have lunch together.
The Albertan pulled out his lunch and to his distaste he found a ham sandwich.
"Everyday my wife gives me a damn ham sandwich for lunch. 
For twenty years it's been the same thing every damn day!
One more ham sandwich and I'm going to throw myself right off the top of this building!"
The newfie expressed the same sentiment, "Every day I get da same damn ting too! I can't stand it no more!"

The next day they both returned to work, pulled out their lunches and found the same ham sandwiches.
The Albertan in a fit of rage leaped off the side of the building plummeting to his death.
The Newfie quickly followed suit.

At the funeral as the mourners gathered, the Newfie's wife explained between sobs, "I don't understand it. He always made his own lunch."


----------



## Roryfan (Apr 19, 2010)

laristotle said:


> two newfs in a boat duck hunting.
> "hey earl. how come we ain't catching any ducks"
> "maybe you ain't throwin' the dog high enough".


Those guys are obviously townies. Bay **** are a little more savvy in these matters & would tie a trampoline to the gunwales so that the dog could catch more air...


----------



## bluzfish (Mar 12, 2011)

So how many Torontonians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one to hold the bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him (or her). Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk.


----------



## Milkman (Feb 2, 2006)

How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?



Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.


----------



## Guest (Dec 8, 2012)

How many guitarists' to change a bulb?
4. 1 to do it, the others saying 'I could do that!'


----------



## Roryfan (Apr 19, 2010)

How many harp players does it take to change a light bulb?

5. 1 to do it & 4 to debate about how Little Walter would've done it.


----------



## Roryfan (Apr 19, 2010)

How many Ryerson grads does it take to change a light bulb?

Just 1, but he gets 3 credits for doing it.


----------



## sulphur (Jun 2, 2011)

A Newfie was in a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says,
"You remind me of my little toe."

She replies, 
"What? You mean I'm small and cute?"

He says,
"No. I'll probably bang you on my coffee table later when I'm drunk."


----------



## copperhead (May 24, 2006)

This is a pre 1980 joke 
How come there are no Squirels in Newfoundland ?
Cause all the Nuts are on the mainland ...lol


----------



## sulphur (Jun 2, 2011)

This'll probably lead to my banning, but...

You know why there no more Midnight Mass in Newfoundland?

All the priests have to be back in their cells by eleven.


----------



## Roryfan (Apr 19, 2010)

sulphur said:


> This'll probably lead to my banning, but...
> 
> You know why there no more Midnight Mass in Newfoundland?
> 
> All the priests have to be back in their cells by eleven.


I would strongly recommend that the tribunal first listen to "The Pope Song" by Tim Minchin prior to banishing you from the forum.


----------



## sulphur (Jun 2, 2011)

This is from a Newfie buddy...

Tree men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season"Saint Peter said,
"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven".

The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on."It represents a candle",he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates." Saint Peter said.

The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said,"They're bells".

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St.Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,"And just what do these symbolize?"

The Newfie replied,"These are Carols".


----------



## keto (May 23, 2006)

Bahahaha, got some good laughs from the family with that one!


----------



## Milkman (Feb 2, 2006)

Ok,that's not bad.


Carol's....


ho, ho, ho


----------



## J-75 (Jul 29, 2010)

What's perfect pitch? (_Answer Below_)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Throwing an accordion into a dumpster, and it lands on a drum kit.

Bwah, hah, hah, hah !


----------



## loudtubeamps (Feb 2, 2012)

Newfoundland declares war on the U.S.A.

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Obama " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove , Newfoundland , Canada , eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!" 

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news ! 
How big is your army ?" 

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold , me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!" 

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command." 

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"


Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!" 

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked. 

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm tractor." 

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke." 

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya." 

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. " President Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!" 

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!" 

"Jumpins," said Archie, "l'll have ta call youse back." 

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. " President Obama ! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war." 

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack . "Why the sudden change of heart?" 

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners.." 
CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN


----------



## loudtubeamps (Feb 2, 2012)

*Newfoundland Icebreaker*


----------



## avalancheMM (Jan 21, 2009)

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb??............



None, we have machines for that.



Regards


----------



## cheezyridr (Jun 8, 2009)

loudtubeamps said:


>



wow, that just sucks. if it comes up on a google image search it oughta be useable


----------



## mrmatt1972 (Apr 3, 2008)

cheezyridr said:


> wow, that just sucks. if it comes up on a google image search it oughta be useable


a lot of places do that now to conserve bandwidth. You can save it yourself, use an image hosting site and repost if it really matters.


----------



## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

How many members of Led Zeppelin does it take to screw in a light bulb?

4. One to hold the lightbulb and three more to drink until the room spins.

Peace, Mooh.


----------

