# A pivotal day in my life.



## Milkman (Feb 2, 2006)

Yesterday, I put my son on a plane to British Columbia.

I'd like to avoid details, but let's just say he had a troubled childhood and adolescence. He has always had issues with authority in every context amd some trouble with the law as a result.

Add to this, anger management and destructive tendencies and you can imagine what my house looks like.

Nevertheless, he has started a positive trend and is gradually showing that he can work and progress toward being a better person.

He decided he wanted a fresh start, away from some very negative influences and because he loves snowboarding and downhil bike racing, he chose Whistler.

He has banked a nice amount of money to start and has experience and good references as a cook.

Today, I took a vacation day to reflect and frankly, to recover from the emotional roller coaster ride that has lasted for so many years.

I wish my son nothing but the best and hope he reaches his true potential, but wow, I'm reeling at the sudden impact on my home life.

This may sound shocking to many people, but the sense of relief I feel at this moment is pretty overwhelming.


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## smorgdonkey (Jun 23, 2008)

Cheers man. It will come to seem more normal as time passes and it may be a very positive thing for all of you in the big picture.


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## Milkman (Feb 2, 2006)

smorgdonkey said:


> Cheers man. It will come to seem more normal as time passes and it may be a very positive thing for all of you in the big picture.


Yes, true and true.

I see this as a liberating change for both he and us.

Thanks


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## bagpipe (Sep 19, 2006)

Congratulations to you and your son. It sounds like he has acknowledged his issues and is attempting a fresh start - that's great. We've been going through something similar with one of my kids (drugs and alcohol) for the last couple of years. Its not easy. All you can do is try to be there for them and hope for the best. I wish the best for both of you.


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## Moosehead (Jan 6, 2011)

When i was 20 I packed up and started driving west, best move i ever made. Sleeping in my car in thunder bay in October, not the best move but it all was part of the journey. It really helped me find myself and take some control over my life, what a learning experience! I only saved about 1500 and I would advise he send you some of his savings to hold on to. Whistler is damn expensive and unless you learn your way around town and how to live in Whistler on the cheap then you can blow through your dough really fast. For example, snowboard equipment, I never bought anything new unless it was marked down significantly. Why? The amount of cheap good gear around there is astounding, I got a brand new board for 2 bills which would have cost 500 in the store. And dont get me started on how neccesary pre-drinking is before going out to the bars; when i was 20 in ontario you could get a beer for 3,25 at a bar, whistler was 4.25 - 5.25 which is standard these days but blew me away then.

I had applied online to Whistler in september and got an interview booked for their big hiring spree which at that time was beginning of October.
Summer season is good for finding work as well, I took a job as a canoe/kayak guide and had one of the best summers of my life! worked 10-12 hour days and loved every minute of it. Tell him to talk to Tim at Whistler Outdoor Experience.

and living in staff housing helps make rent affordable, 250-350 a room, first year i lived at base 2 right on blackcomb mtn, I could literally snowboard right to the back door of my building.

What to watch out for.... well the party scene is in full force there and im not talking about just pot and booze. I had met some friends there the first year that were in some sorry shape by the second year. Lots of theft just like in Van so protect your bike/board/backpack or even your new shoes you wore to that house party, dont ask me how i knowsigiifa

Everytime I return I meet people that I know or that recognize me, He'll make friends for life. It was my first home away from home and I wish it still was.


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## mhammer (Nov 30, 2007)

I've said this before and I'll repeat it here. As I get older, one of my credoes has become "Never let yourself get into a position where you come to resent someone or some thing that you truly love." And sometimes, to keep that resentment outside the door and prevent it from coming in and making itself at home, you have to take preventative actions, and step away a bit.

It's not wrong at all to feel a sense of relief when a familial obligation is lifted. Heck, as close as my parents were, my late father told me that the night after my mom passed, it was the best night's sleep he had had in years. There was no anger, just relief in being able to live all those little details of your *own* life again, not the life of someone who had been forced into a role.

Exhale, bro. You've earned it. And clearly you haven't given up on your kid, so your credentials as a dad remain intact. People have a way of rising to the occasion, and can often surprise you. I hope there are some nice surprises down the road for both of you.


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## GuitarsCanada (Dec 30, 2005)

Milkman said:


> Yesterday, I put my son on a plane to British Columbia.
> 
> I'd like to avoid details, but let's just say he had a troubled childhood and adolescence. He has always had issues with authority in every context amd some trouble with the law as a result.
> 
> ...


It does not sound shocking at all, in fact I have experienced it myself and can quote half a dozen people I know that have said the same thing. My two were not even the slightest problem either. My son moved to Toronto about 4 years ago to pursue a PR career and has done well. It cost me a small fortune to get him there but he is on his way. My Daughter just moved out of here about 2 months ago after a 2 year return stint. She is 25 now. She and her BF finally bought a house and she is off on her own. Now I have the wife's two to deal with at 17 and 19 and both were raised very differently than mine. Its going to get ugly thats all I can say.


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## keto (May 23, 2006)

I wish you and your son the best, Mike, and peace of mind.

I feel so lucky and blessed. My kids are all still at home, at 24, 21 & 18. Between the 3 of them, and I have posted this before, they haven't given us 15 minutes of real grief in their combined 63 years. They aren't perfect people, as we their parents aren't, but we don't sweat the small stuff and any transgressions have been easily filed away in that category.

The 2 older ones are now finished their educations and starting to make their ways in the world, and probably won't be here at home much longer. But they won't be going far, and will be leaving on good terms. The youngest is writing exams at the end of 1st yr university, last one today.


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## Chito (Feb 17, 2006)

Wishing the best for your son, Mike. I'm sure things will be a better for you as time goes by. Hopefully he finds what he is looking for in life.


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## Intrepid (Oct 9, 2008)

I think both you and your son have made the right choice. Your son is embarking on a new Life that holds some promise for him. Just getting away from the negative influences is a big plus for your son. It doesn't mean his problems are over, but it does mean he gets a fresh start to deal with the issues. Sometimes keeping the kids at home is not the best choice because on occasion it deflates their self worth and self esteem to be living at home. This also gives you a fresh start and an ability to think back of all the good times that you have had with your son since his birth. The positives will start coming out and you won't have to constantly dwell on the negatives. That is bliss. I wish you and your son all the best.


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## Milkman (Feb 2, 2006)

Thanks to all for the support.

We've gad some rocky roads, but we parted on a positive. I made sure he had everything he needed.

He has in my opinion, vast potential.

But again, I can't overstate the feeling I have right now.

I have done several things today that I have been unable to do in more than ten years, things most of you take for granted.


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## Budda (May 29, 2007)

Best of luck, Mike.


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## starjag (Jan 30, 2008)

Budda said:


> Best of luck, Mike.


Best of luck indeed. To both of you!


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## hardasmum (Apr 23, 2008)

The most influential time of my life were the two years I spent living in London in my early 20s. One might think I would have gone "crazy" with an ocean separating me from my parents but this couldn't have been further from the truth. 

The independence and self confidence I gained from this distance was life changing. I think every young person should have a similar opportunity.

I wish you and your son all the best.


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## Jim DaddyO (Mar 20, 2009)

Best of luck to both of you


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## Milkman (Feb 2, 2006)

Thanks again everyone.

He's found a place in Whistler and is now asking me to ship his bikes and snowboards.

Already has job interviews.

Today has been a great day.


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## Milkman (Feb 2, 2006)

mhammer said:


> I've said this before and I'll repeat it here. As I get older, one of my credoes has become "Never let yourself get into a position where you come to resent someone or some thing that you truly love." And sometimes, to keep that resentment outside the door and prevent it from coming in and making itself at home, you have to take preventative actions, and step away a bit.
> 
> It's not wrong at all to feel a sense of relief when a familial obligation is lifted. Heck, as close as my parents were, my late father told me that the night after my mom passed, it was the best night's sleep he had had in years. There was no anger, just relief in being able to live all those little details of your *own* life again, not the life of someone who had been forced into a role.
> 
> Exhale, bro. You've earned it. And clearly you haven't given up on your kid, so your credentials as a dad remain intact. People have a way of rising to the occasion, and can often surprise you. I hope there are some nice surprises down the road for both of you.


Thanks Hammer. The relief I feel in this case is beyond what I felt when any of my other kids left.

This was a special set of circumstances and conditions. It was a very difficult ten or twelve years.


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## allthumbs56 (Jul 24, 2006)

My oldest boy was awful. He had stolen two cars by the time he was 14. He would steal from his siblings (newspaper collections, video games) and me (cameras, cash). At 16 we threw him out to save the younger two. He is now 33, married, and the best father of two I may ever know. You do what you need to do and hopefully they turn into good human beings.

Good luck Milk.


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## greco (Jul 15, 2007)

All the best to *everyone* in your family, as I'm quite sure/assume all are impacted by this, to some extent. 

Hopefully, the progression of time and will allow for the needed changes, maturity, love, understanding and eventual forgetting/forgiving of all the "bad" times. This is not meant to be critical of anyone in the family. There is a lot of "healing" that needs to take place....and I hope that it will, as we all know that it can.

Dave


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## Milkman (Feb 2, 2006)

greco said:


> All the best to *everyone* in your family, as I'm quite sure/assume all are impacted by this, to some extent.
> 
> Hopefully, the progression of time and will allow for the needed changes, maturity, love, understanding and eventual forgetting/forgiving of all the "bad" times. This is not meant to be critical of anyone in the family. There is a lot of "healing" that needs to take place....and I hope that it will, as we all know that it can.
> 
> Dave


Oh it definitely impacted everyone in our house and to some extent the neighborhood.

The needed changes are starting to happen. I see clear signs of progress and consequently, hope.


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## Budda (May 29, 2007)

I personally like the part where you said "job interviews". Maybe it's because I'm trying to provide for myself completely independent of any family members, I dunno. Self-sufficiency is good!


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## guitarman2 (Aug 25, 2006)

Milkman said:


> Yesterday, I put my son on a plane to British Columbia.
> 
> I'd like to avoid details, but let's just say he had a troubled childhood and adolescence. He has always had issues with authority in every context amd some trouble with the law as a result.
> 
> Add to this, anger management and destructive tendencies and you can imagine what my house looks like.


I know what its like. My son is pretty much the same. Although my house looks pretty good. That's only because after my son moved out I pretty much had to renovate half the house because of his destructive tendencies. I'm glad your son is showing some promise. Unfortunately my son was diagnosed with Schizophrenia and as of yet the outlook isn't good. Even though its a relief that he's out of the house I worry everyday what will become of him.


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## sulphur (Jun 2, 2011)

Best of luck to you and your son Mike.


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## Steadfastly (Nov 14, 2008)

Whenever a child leaves home, any caring parent should expect to have mixed emotions, including feelings of relief, since raising children is one of the largest responsibilities a parent will undertake. When there is a child who requires more attention than normal, the feeling of relief is, understandably, greater. So, Mike, don't feel that this is an abnormal feeling. Rather than abnormal, it is very normal. You should feel a sense of accomplishment, in that raising a, as you put it, a more difficult child than most, he is now taking some responsibility for his actions and has gone to the point of making changes that will help him in his goal. That deserves commendation. Your determination and your long and difficult struggle has borne fruit.


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## brimc76 (Feb 14, 2008)

Best wishes to you all. The changes at home will be a bit overwhelming but you can handle it and it does sound like things are on the right track.


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## Milkman (Feb 2, 2006)

The biggest problem I have is feeling guilty for feeling so good.

It was easy to predict the changes in our day to day and hour to hour life at home. Those changes happened suddenly and fundamentally, like a switch being thrown.

What is more remarkable to me is the change I see already in the mood and behaviour of my one "child" who remains at home. She's twenty-one, but is mentally challenged and will live with us until we can no longer care for her. She's high functioning but really she's very child like.

My son was a very dominant person and well, a tyrant. She knows and is reacting to the difference. It's another very positive impact.


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## Steadfastly (Nov 14, 2008)

Milkman said:


> The biggest problem I have is feeling guilty for feeling so good.


How about we PM everybody to call you names and put you down? Will that help you balance things out?























You know, we're always here to help out. After all the years of struggle you went through, I'm sure it's okay to feel good. It's likely got a lot to do with the relief you feel. Take it for what it is while you have it. With daily anxieties you likely will not feel like this forever. Regards, Steadfastly


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## Milkman (Feb 2, 2006)

Steadfastly said:


> How about we PM everybody to call you names and put you down? Will that help you balance things out?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Thanks. I'm actually feeling fine. I just feel strange wanting to do cartwheels, having just sent my only son off to face the world.

But, I'll make the adjustment.

The names and put downs are a tiny part of what I'm eager to put behind me.


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## bluesmostly (Feb 10, 2006)

don't have children but I did teach high school for a number of years so I have seen lots of kids like your son, and I have friends who have gone thru difficult times with their kids. almost without exception for kids from good homes it has always worked out well after they have had time to live out in the world and sort thru some stuff. all the best to you and your family Milkman.


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## Milkman (Feb 2, 2006)

bluesmostly said:


> don't have children but I did teach high school for a number of years so I have seen lots of kids like your son, and I have friends who have gone thru difficult times with their kids. almost without exception for kids from good homes it has always worked out well after they have had time to live out in the world and sort thru some stuff. all the best to you and your family Milkman.


Well, we've tried to lead by example, and while my son rarely responded well to our advice, it was clear that he did actually listen. My wife and I both see evidence of that. It just took a while to sink in.

I would love to see myself as a good parent, but I feel like a bit of a failure in that regard. Yes, I was handed challenges above and beyond normal but I wish I could have been stronger or done more somehow.

That's not a cry for affirmation, just an observation.


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## WCGill (Mar 27, 2009)

Pity that children don't come with an owner's manual, it would be so much easier. The older and more mature your offspring become, the more your teaching and examples will show and I'm sure you'll be seeing a positive outcome.


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## Steadfastly (Nov 14, 2008)

WCGill said:


> *Pity that children don't come with an owner's manual,* it would be so much easier. The older and more mature your offspring become, the more your teaching and examples will show and I'm sure you'll be seeing a positive outcome.


They do, but many think that that book is out of date or no longer pertinent. It is a lot easier when you use that manual.


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## Stratin2traynor (Sep 27, 2006)

Milkman. Thanks for sharing. 

I was beginning to think I was the only one with teenager issues. I'm in a similar situation, although my son has opted to live in a residential program put on by the Ministry. I had the same feelings of guilt when my son left 7 months ago. But to be honest, it was for the best and he has come a long way since then. I took it as a break from all of the conflict and my wife and I were able to focus on our girls. 

It seems only natural to blame ourselves and dissect every parenting moment to figure out where we went wrong. I did my best as I'm sure you did. Nurture vs nature. Who really knows. That's one Owners Manual I definitely would have read, had my son come with one. 

Good luck to you and your family. I wish you all the best. I'm sure everything will work itself out.


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## Milkman (Feb 2, 2006)

There's no manual and there are no two kids who are the same.

Applying a standard approach with my son proved ineffective and counterproductive over and over again. I wouldn't want to see the result of someone trying the "biblical approach" with him. Frankly you'd need a proctologist to get it removed.

It's water under the bridge now.

I'm focussing on planning for the renovations we have ahead of us. Knowing the damage has stopped is a big point for us. I can fix things now and know it won't be destroyed a few weeks later.


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## OldGuitarPlayer (Feb 25, 2013)

Best of luck to both you and your son! You can only hope that he has a job, a place to live and food on the table.


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## shoretyus (Jan 6, 2007)

My wife and troubled son moved out in the fall. I know how you feel. I do know a 25 yr kid...that is there now that rents rooms in the house he bought... so if he needs names pm me. 

Can your son email my son? He so needs to be a ski bum for a couple yrs until he figures it out too....


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