# Humour Thread: Post your music-related jokes, etc.



## Alex Csank (Jul 22, 2010)

"Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?....

...Nothing really mattress, Anyone can see
...Nothing really mattress; Nothing really mattress to me
...Any way the wind blows."


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## cheezyridr (Jun 8, 2009)

it's your fault that i have sprayed my monitor with popcorn, and nearly choked. thanks for the lol


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## Alex Csank (Jul 22, 2010)

Are you sure that these hats will allow us to blend in with those Canadians Number One?


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## mrmatt1972 (Apr 3, 2008)

Canocial List of Banjo Jokes


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## cheezyridr (Jun 8, 2009)




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## zontar (Oct 25, 2007)

cheezyridr said:


> it's your fault that i have sprayed my monitor with popcorn, and nearly choked. thanks for the lol


For me it was milk...

Thanks for the laugh, and so I must post this--even though I believe it's been posted here before...
[video=youtube;tgbNymZ7vqY]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgbNymZ7vqY[/video]
and then this--which is a predecessor of the first one...
[video=youtube;OCbuRA_D3KU]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCbuRA_D3KU[/video]


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

Who you gonna call?

YouTube - Who you gonna call?

Peace, Mooh.


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## Alex Csank (Jul 22, 2010)

Mooh said:


> Who you gonna call?
> 
> YouTube - Who you gonna call?
> 
> Peace, Mooh.


Yeah, I've got that one shared on my facebook page. Awesome stuff!


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## al3d (Oct 3, 2007)

LOL..man, good one. 



Mooh said:


> Who you gonna call?
> 
> YouTube - Who you gonna call?
> 
> Peace, Mooh.


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## Robert1950 (Jan 21, 2006)

I have some, but you said music related. These are about drummers. So I guess those don't count.


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## Alex Csank (Jul 22, 2010)

Robert1950 said:


> I have some, but you said music related. These are about drummers. So I guess those don't count.


Hahaha! I guess we could handle some 'drummer' jokes...post away!

Here's a guitarist joke I like:

FIFTY YEARS IN THE FUTURE:
A guitarist dies and much to his pleasure and surprise, he finds himself standing before the pearly gates of Guitar Heaven. St. Peter shows him in and gives him a guided tour.
"This is Stevie Ray's room here..." says Peter. In awe, the guitarist exclaims "Wow! Stevie Ray!"
"And this is Jimi's room..." Now the guitarist is totally over the moon.
Finally Peter shows the guitarist to his own room. Before Peter leaves, the guitarist says "I have to ask. Is Yngwie here?" Peter shakes his head sadly and says "I'm afraid he went... the "other" way..."
The guitarist is disappointed but goes to his room and tries to get some sleep. He is woken up in the middle of the night by someone playing a really fast harmonic minor lick - and it sounds just like Yngwie. He presses his ear to the wall, and listens more closely. Someone in the next room is playing really fast neo-classical shreds through what sounds very much like a vintage Strat. The guitarist is confused as it sounds so much like Yngwie. The next day he tells St. Peter that he is almost certain that Yngwie's in the next room.
St. Peter pulls him to one side, and whispers into his ear, "Shhh.... don't tell anyone. That's God. He thinks he's Yngwie Malmsteen.!"


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## Robert1950 (Jan 21, 2006)

Alex Csank said:


> St. Peter pulls him to one side, and whispers into his ear, "Shhh.... don't tell anyone. That's God. He thinks he's Yngwie Malmsteen.!"


Haaaaaaaa! ...


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## Robert1950 (Jan 21, 2006)

Quick, before Yngwie gets this removed again.

[youtube]0DXchqNhkbs[/youtube]


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## rollingdam (May 11, 2006)

Some of the guys walk into the practice room and find the bass player beating the crap out of the drummer. They break it up and ask what led to the fight.
The bass player yells out that the drummer detuned one of the strings on his bass. So the other guys say-what is the big deal.

The bass player responds- he won't tell me which string.


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## bluesmostly (Feb 10, 2006)

I love this one:








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## bluesmostly (Feb 10, 2006)

rollingdam said:


> Some of the guys walk into the practice room and find the bass player beating the crap out of the drummer. They break it up and ask what led to the fight.
> The bass player yells out that the drummer detuned one of the strings on his bass. So the other guys say-what is the big deal.
> 
> The bass player responds- he won't tell me which string.


this is great, I can't wait to share this with the guys.


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## Alex Csank (Jul 22, 2010)

"Whoa, man! Now if I could only fill this fez with enough whiskey for a full set and attach a straw, I'd be all set!"








I'm pretty sober these days, but I do admire this guy's ingenuity!


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## Alex Csank (Jul 22, 2010)

Yup, that sounds about right!


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## ne1roc (Mar 4, 2006)

This is good!

[YOUTUBE]SURma5PlfGs[/YOUTUBE]


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

ne1roc said:


> This is good!
> 
> [YOUTUBE]SURma5PlfGs[/YOUTUBE]


Sure is, that's why I posted it earlier. LOL!

Welcome to heaven, here's your harp.
Welcome to hell, here's your accordian.

Peace, Mooh.


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## ne1roc (Mar 4, 2006)

Mooh said:


> Sure is, that's why I posted it earlier. LOL!
> 
> 
> Peace, Mooh.


LOL.....thats what you get for not embeding the video Mooh.


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

ne1roc said:


> LOL.....thats what you get for not embeding the video Mooh.


Man, that's *SO* much work, and it's *SO* early in the morning.

Perfect pitch?
When the accordian hits the banjo when it lands in the dumpster.

Peace, Mooh.


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## bluesmostly (Feb 10, 2006)

What is the difference between an accordian and a trampoline?

You don't take off your shoes to jump on an accordian.


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

Difference between bagpipes and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up the bagpipes.

Peace, Mooh.


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

How do you know when there's a singer knocking on your door?

They can't find their key, the knock speeds up, and they don't know when to come in.

Peace, Mooh.


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

The difference between a banjo player and mutual funds?

The mutual funds eventually mature and make a profit.

Peace, Mooh.


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

"Daddy, I want to be a rock star when I grow up!"

"Look here boy, you can't do both."

Peace, Mooh.


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

I tried to write a drinking song once, but I had to give up after four bars.

Peace, Mooh.


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## Robert1950 (Jan 21, 2006)

A couple of drummer jokes that many of us have heard before...

How to you get a drummer off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.

What do you call a drummer that just broke up with his girlfriend? Homeless.

How you you tell if the rummer's riser is level? The drool flows evenly down both sides of his mouth.


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in his car?

It took him hours to get the drummer out.

Peace, Mooh.


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## mario (Feb 18, 2006)

Q: How do you save a bass player from drowning?

A: Throw him his amp.


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## zontar (Oct 25, 2007)

Mooh said:


> Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in his car?
> 
> It took him hours to get the drummer out.
> 
> Peace, Mooh.


That one never gets old...

Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed? 

What's a bassoon good for?
Kindling for an accordion fire.


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## shoretyus (Jan 6, 2007)

You want to hear jokes?... buy a Hammond and tell people that you are going to practice your on your organ......


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

shoretyus said:


> You want to hear jokes?... buy a Hammond and tell people that you are going to practice your on your organ......


Yes, a lot of people have come to know Leslie's and Hammond's organs...

Peace, Mooh.


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## Robert1950 (Jan 21, 2006)

*Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school? **Me neither.*


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## bluesmostly (Feb 10, 2006)

keep em comin' boys, this is good stuff. I use them to entertain to the crowd between songs at gigs these days. lots of snickers and groans, they love it!


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?

New Age Music.

Peace, Mooh.


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

What's an accordion good for?

Learning how to fold a road map.

Peace, Mooh.


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

The festival director and the bag piper are both still alive and you only have one bullet left in you gun. Which one do you shoot and why?

The festival director. Business before pleasure.

Peace, Mooh.


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

Three men die and ascend to Heaven. As they approach the front entrance, Saint Peter is there to greet them. To their surprise he asks only one question, "What was your occupation on Earth?"

"I was a doctor," the first man answers.

"OK, " says Saint Peter. "Go right through those Pearly Gates straight ahead. Next! What did you do on Earth?"

"I was a school teacher," the second man says.

"OK, go right through those Pearly Gates straight ahead. Next! And what did you do?"

"I was a musician."

"OK, go around the side, up the freight elevator, and through the kitchen."

Peace, Mooh.


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

What's the difference between the drummer's wife and a Porsche?

Most of the guys in the band have never been in a Porsche.

Peace, Mooh.


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

How many bluegrass players does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They won't touch anything electric. 

Peace, Mooh.


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

Our next tune is a traditional Irish tune. It was written in 1816, but we're going to play it in waltz time.

Peace, Mooh.


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

An architect, a mathematician and a musician are in the pub with their dogs, arguing which is the most intelligent.

The architect takes a handful of dog biscuits, throws them on to the floor and points to them. His dog runs over to them, pushes them around with his nose and as he returns to his owner everyone can see that he's left them in the shape of St Paul's Cathedral.

The mathematician gives his dog an order, he runs over to the biscuits and rearranges them so that they form the symbols e=mc².

The musician pokes his dog with his foot. The dog wakes up, looks around, stretches, scratches himself and farts, shags the other two dogs, eats the biscuits and then says 'OK, where's my cheque'. 

Peace, Mooh.


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?

With a drum machine, you only have to punch in the instructions ONCE.

Peace, Mooh.


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

What's the difference between a folk musician and a large pizza?

A large pizza can actually feed a family.

Peace, Mooh.


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"

"Nickelback"

Peace, Mooh.


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## dodgechargerfan (Mar 22, 2006)

I love it!
This'll start a fight in my house.... in some people, patriotism overrides musical taste.



Mooh said:


> "Knock knock."
> "Who's there?"
> "Knock knock."
> "Who's there?"
> ...


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## cheezyridr (Jun 8, 2009)

those were great, but the nickleback joke was a major lol for me


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

On Sunday the elders of Timmins
Are happy at church singing hymn-ins;
The rest of the week
Their pleasure to seek
Relaxing with wine and with wimmins.

(Anon. I think. No, Hugh Oliver wrote this one.)

Peace, Mooh.


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

A stereo jock in Vancouver
Had a two channel, fifteen inch woofer,
Overloading his wife,
In their sexual life
With an output sufficient for two of 'er.

(Keith MacMillan)

Peace, Mooh.


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

"O Canada" let us all sing
'Till the birds in the forest take wing.
I know that the words
Were meant for the birds,
But it's better than "God Save The King".

(Hugh Oliver)

Peace, Mooh.


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

One musical chap from Champlain
Painted keys on his lovely Helene.
Improvising in C,
When he fingers low G,
She da capo's, again and again!

(Keith MacMillan)

Peace, Mooh.


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## Budda (May 29, 2007)

Mooh said:


> One musical chap from Champlain
> Painted keys on his lovely Helene.
> Improvising in C,
> When he fingers low G,
> ...


OH SNAP! Winner!


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## zontar (Oct 25, 2007)

A couple more-
A young, single woman is feeling very ill and has an extensive series of tests done by her doctor. After weeks of tests and more tests, the doctor calls her in. He tells her, "I have to be frank with you the test results are not good. You have an incurable disease, and it is terminal. I would think you have no more than six months to live."
Devastated, she asks the doctor, "Is there anything I can do?"
The doctor says, "Well, if I were you I would run out and marry a Banjo Player ASAP."
She asks, "How will that help my illness?"

The doctor says, "Oh it won't help your illness;
but it will make that six months seem like an eternity!"


and

This ...guy walks into a fingerstyle guitar convention, picks up a guitar and begins to play. He plays so beautifully that before he has finished the song, he has attracted a crowd of fingerstlye guitarist onlookers.

"What is that strange tuning?!" he is asked.

"EADGBE" he replies.


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## cheezyridr (Jun 8, 2009)




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## Steadfastly (Nov 14, 2008)

mrmatt1972 said:


> Canocial List of Banjo Jokes


I liked #79 about the Banjo player brain.


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## Steadfastly (Nov 14, 2008)

A banjo player had this gig but had to make a stop at the post office on the way. Not being able to unlock his trunk, he put his banjo on the floor in the back seat area. On coming back to his car after going to the post office, he noticed the back window was smashed open. Running up to his car and peering in at the floor in the back sear area.....yup, there were two banjos.


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## zontar (Oct 25, 2007)

FlipFlopFly said:


> A banjo player had this gig but had to make a stop at the post office on the way. Not being able to unlock his trunk, he put his banjo on the floor in the back seat area. On coming back to his car after going to the post office, he noticed the back window was smashed open. Running up to his car and peering in at the floor in the back sear area.....yup, there were two banjos.


And an accordion...


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## Hamstrung (Sep 21, 2007)

GITCHA MAMA

A ******* family from the hills of West Virginia was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives.
The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by
two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.


The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?'


The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is.


While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.


The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, 




Boy....................go gitcha momma.'


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## Robert1950 (Jan 21, 2006)

What's the difference between an accordion player and a terrorist? - Terrorists have sympathisers.


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## cheezyridr (Jun 8, 2009)




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## david henman (Feb 3, 2006)

An L.A. recording session ground to a halt yesterday when an oboe player, who was constantly sucking on her reed to keep it moist during rests and between takes, inadvertently inhaled and swallowed it. 
The conductor immediately called 911 and asked what he should do. 
The operator told him, "Use muted trumpet instead."


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## jimihendrix (Jun 27, 2009)

Looking for a banjo mute...???...


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## Tarbender (Apr 7, 2006)

"My biggest fear is that when I die my wife sells my guitars for what I told her they cost "


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