# " Hey, are you guys an audience or an oil painting?"



## buckaroobanzai (Feb 2, 2006)

Some months ago, I got my band to play a friend's stag&doe as part of my wedding present to them. They were a great crowd, everyone had a good time, and we got free beer, free food and a couple of bookings, so playing the gig for free was ok with everyone.

Saturday night was payback time, with the band playing for my guitar player's minor hockey association fundraiser, also pro bono. Now , I'm all for the occasional charity gig, but some stuff just ain't right.

Where to start - 

Tickets sold: 250, hall holds 300, 60 people showed up. Not possible to get any energy going in a big, cold empty hall.

We played our asses off to practically no reaction. The same set list that killed 'em at Halloween couldn't get anybody off their butts to dance. Turns out later that this is the only time of the year that all the hockey parents get to see each other and bitch about the refereeing.

The smoking area had more people in it than the hall. If it wasn't so damn cold, maybe we should have set up out there.

Since I own the PA and arrange for music to play through it between sets, I am apparently also the free DJ. People wanted to know why I wasn't handing out little cards for them to write requests on. Not band requests, DJ requests. However, because this was a showoff gig for my guitar player and longtime friend, I cranked up my laptop, threw a modern dance set list and all their lame-ass new country requests on Winamp Auto-DJ,and let loose. 

STILL nothing. Oh, wait, the drunk couple that were fighting ten minutes ago are now pawing each other on the dance floor to the fabulous sounds of Tim McGraw.

Wait for it, here comes that old favorite buzz-killer, the DOOR PRIZE DRAW.
Sure, you can borrow my microphone. 35 minutes later, the last basket of bath oil and fancy soaps is in the hands of its lucky new owner, and its time for our last set.

Great, they are now putting away the unused tables and chairs while we're playing, because "we got to be out of here right on time". That'll warm the crowd up. We skip over most of the songs in the set, and play our last song to the six people putting away the leftovers.

That's all folks. Think I'll skip this event next year.

I don't want it to sound like a complete nightmare, I've played worse, and we got free beer & food. It's just that playing to absolutely no reaction is incredibly draining. Anybody else have a "shoulda been a party but I've had more fun at funerals" story to share?


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## Wheeman (Dec 4, 2007)

Ugh, I can relate this story to the odd gig that I've done in the past year as a jazz-bassist. You know for a fact that the crowd is an oil painting after you play a song like "The Chicken" (upbeat funk) only to receive no applause or response.


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## Budda (May 29, 2007)

yup: most of my highschool performances. the auditorium at assemblies, and coffee house.

CH is an annual event.. the bands come in, set up the PA and their gear, we put the stage up, help bring out the tables and chairs..

to play for our friends and families, who sit and watch. it's pretty frickin lame.


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## devnulljp (Mar 18, 2008)

Didja try this....

[youtube=Option]2LEY9E_W5sw[/youtube]

Worst I ever did was a gig on a Tuesday night in a bar in the Gorbals in Glasgow (if you've read No Mean City, or heard about Jimmy Boyle, you'll get the jist; if not, just think Mad Max without quite the same degree of sophistcation). The place is sitting in the middle of what looks like ground zero of a nuclear attack. Surrounded by rubble. It's got razorwire all around it on the roof, with CCTV cameras, impenetrable steel shutters, I expected to see gun turrets. The place was a dive, smelled of piss worse than any pub I've ever been in, the majority of the crowd turned out to be the ladies out for bingo night...scary, hard, middle-aged women, all of whom took a fancy to our singer. The Tom Jones-ing he got just got worse and worse as the evening proceeded as they got drunker and drunker. The night of course devolved into little eddies of punchups and stabbings, punctuated by the sound of breaking bottles, all around the place, that eventually merged into the (apparently perfectly normal according to the bar staff) end of the night arrestathon as the ambulances sweep up the casualties. 
****ing horrendous.


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## Guest (Dec 1, 2008)

Sucks man. Playing in all-original bands over the years I've done my share of girlfriends-and-wives crowd shows. Did a gig in Burlington once at this huge club right off the 401 and Walkers Line on South Service Road -- the name eludes me right now but it's a big, well known place there -- The Apollo Effect and Amanda Rheaume. It was supposed to be promoted. We were hired in by a promotion company. I think there were maybe 20 people there. And the place was CAVERNOUS. Oh well: we had fun.

On the upside bartenders tend to be pretty sympathetic on those nights


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## Milkman (Feb 2, 2006)

It happens and it sucks. I don't go back to those but fortunately they've been rare.

Almost as bad, is when you're booked into just the WRONG room.

If a crowd is there to hear the blues and you throw country at them (or any other two genres) it may not be a great night. 

You do your best and play to whoever is paying attention. If that's only the crew or your SOs, that's show biz eh?


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## bscott (Mar 3, 2008)

OUCH !!! At least you have the comfort of knowing that you gave it your best for your friend. Agree that it can be life sucking though.

Brian


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## hollowbody (Jan 15, 2008)

Milkman said:


> It happens and it sucks. I don't go back to those but fortunately they've been rare.
> 
> Almost as bad, is when you're booked into just the WRONG room.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I got stuck playing a country bar that my drummer booked, and neglected to tell us was a country bar til just a week before the show. We tried to throw some Stones, Blue Rodeo and Neil Young into the mix as our "country," but they were expecting some serious new-country. It was a pretty tough night, we got pulled halfway through our second set and the manager refused to pay us because we misrepresented ourselves as a country band (oh yeah, the drummer said 'country?? no problem!!!'"). The pool table got more action than the dancefloor that night.

Also, I played a gig for a Love of Reading campaign at the Chapter's where my gf works, and she and I were total wallflowers. At the end of our set, someone from somewhere in the rows of books clapped, but for the most part, we were treated as background music, but then again, in that case, that's what we were supposed to be.


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## Guest (Dec 2, 2008)

hollowbody said:


> Also, I played a gig for a Love of Reading campaign at the Chapter's where my gf works, and she and I were total wallflowers. At the end of our set, someone from somewhere in the rows of books clapped, but for the most part, we were treated as background music, but then again, in that case, that's what we were supposed to be.


Don't feel so bad about that one man. Chapters patrons aren't the enlightend bunch they like to think they are. Years ago during the Chapters vs. Indigo wars the Indigo at Bay & Bloor used to hold these regular, and very awesome, performer sessions 'cause it was the flagship store and that Heather chick or whatever who owned it was out to just crush Chapters. Anyhow, I remember seeing Stephen _freaking FEARING_ play to me, my wife, and two other people. And dude: he just _killed_ it. He was awesome. We chatted between songs. He took requests. And he invited us all out to Hugh's Room the next night and then came out between sets to say thanks for coming. He turned that 4 person audience into a $70/ticket dinner/show opportunity and walked away with four die hard fans made that day. A gentleman, a performer and a savvy business man.


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## zontar (Oct 25, 2007)

Okay--this is just a scene in a movie, but what about this group of zombies--they don't come alive until a smashed guitar is tossed to them.

[youtube=Option]KkN1lFqldb4[/youtube]


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## Gene Machine (Sep 22, 2007)

*yup*

hey. i had a thread from back in the summer about the same thing.

Yup some gigs rock and some are poop.

I find it really hard to enjoy the poopy ones. No matter how good I happen to play. I guess if I had a decent group of bandmates, it would help. Last band was not that.

I feel for ya.

:food-smiley-004:


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## steve60ca (Jul 5, 2006)

zontar said:


> Okay--this is just a scene in a movie, but what about this group of zombies--they don't come alive until a smashed guitar is tossed to them.
> 
> [youtube=Option]KkN1lFqldb4[/youtube]


Everyone knows that the movie is "Blow-up", and I believe the band is the Yardbirds and that is Jeff Beck on guitar to the left.


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## zontar (Oct 25, 2007)

steve60ca said:


> Everyone knows that the movie is "Blow-up", and I believe the band is the Yardbirds and that is Jeff Beck on guitar to the left.


Correct.
This was one movie scene I always read about, but before Youtbe it was hard to find around here. Page seems quite amused by Beck.


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