# Share a joke a day ?



## mawmow (Nov 14, 2017)

I heard this one :
A casual golf partner says :

My wife is an angel.
You are blessed : Mine is still alive.


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## Verne (Dec 29, 2018)

Guy walking down the street with a case of beer in his hands. Another guy yells over "What'd you get the beer for?" First guy answers "I got it for my wife!" 2nd guy yells back "Sounds like a good trade!!"


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## laristotle (Aug 29, 2019)

Pulled into the corner store to pick up smokes after my beer run.
Case is sitting in the back seat.
Nice looking chick walks by and asks me 'trade some beer for sex?'
'Maybe. What kind of beer you got?'.


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## cheezyridr (Jun 8, 2009)

*Q:* what is the best time of day?

*A: * 6:30, hands down


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## laristotle (Aug 29, 2019)




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## mawmow (Nov 14, 2017)

Mr Nice Guy dies and appear before St-Pierre.

He is quite amaze to hear that that fuzz about Heaven vs Hell is just a bad tale : The truth is YOU choose where you want to go for eternity. So, your are allowed to try every place for a whole day.

In Heaven, there is no sound, no color, no nothing. Very relaxing ain't it ?
Next door : Quite the same except sump odor...
In Hell, nice forest hiding a great golf course where a threesome of known former ministers inviting you to join them on the course.
Well, tempting to choose Hell, ain't it ?
Beware to find a burnt land full of poor agonizing people since you now voted for them!


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## cheezyridr (Jun 8, 2009)

so there's this fitter, and he ends up gettin laid-off. he's in a panic because he has a mortgage, car payments, all the bills, etc. he looks at his wife and says "babe, you're gonna have to go out there and sell that ass..." she looks at him and replies "but joey, i don't know nuthin about bein a whore!" he tells her not to worry, he'll be sitting in the car around the corner if she has any questions. she's out there about 10 minutes when a car pulls up and says "hey baby! how much?"
she tells him it's $100 for sex. he says "i only got $30, can you gimme a hand job or somethin?" she tells him to wait right there, she'll be right back. she goes up to her husband and says "hey joey, he's only got $30, whato do i do?" he tells her to give him a hand job. she goes back, and the guy agrees and giees her the money. he then unzips his pants to reveal a massive pecker. she sees it and says, "can you wait here for just one more second?" then she goes back around the corner. joey sees her coming and says "what is it this time?"








she asks "hey joey, can this guy borrow $70?"


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## colchar (May 22, 2010)

As if he wasn't enough of a joke, there's this:


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## cheezyridr (Jun 8, 2009)

there was a van full of nuns returning to the convent after bingo on a dark and stormy night...
the van hydroplaned and ran off of the road and over a cliff. they all died instantly. in a flash, they all find themselves in front of the pearly gates. they're milling about, when st peter appears. next to him, is a small table with a bowl of water on it. he says to the nuns ""LADIES! CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE!" he then explains to them that they're all getting into heaven, but there is a ritual they must perform first. he instructs them to form a single-file line, in front of him.
he says to the first nun "have you ever touched a penis?" she tells him yes, when she was in high school, she touched one with her pinky finger. st peter instructs her to dip the finger in the holy water. when she does, the gates open, and she walks in. then he asks the second nun the same question. she says "yes, in college i gave a guy a hand job once". so he tells her to wash her hands in the holy water. when she does, the gates swing open, and she goes inside.

just then, a nun from the back of the line comes running up and cuts to the front of the line. st peter says "hey! you have all of eternity in front of you, and all of you are getting in, so what's the big hurry?"
the nun responded...








"if i have to gargle with that water, i want to do it before sister margret puts her ass in it."


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## Petunia (Jul 17, 2021)

Buddha walked into a pizza joint and asked them to make him one with everything.


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## MarkM (May 23, 2019)

@Petunia apparently I don't know enough about Buddha?


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## laristotle (Aug 29, 2019)




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## cheezyridr (Jun 8, 2009)

little johnny went to school one day. as he sat in class the teacher said that today she would teach them the difference between poetry, and prose. she explained to them that poetry rhymes, and prose does not. she said "here is an example of poetry:
_mary had a little lamb, it's fleece was white as snow,
everywhere that mary went, the lamb was sure to go._

then she said to them, this is an example of prose:
_mary had a little lamb, it's fleece was white as snow,
everywhere that mary went, the lamb went, also._

the teacher asked the class if they understood. all the students nodded that they did, so she asked if anyone could give examples. they all squirmed in their seat, no one looked up or raised their hand. suddenly, the teacher saw johnny's hand shoot up. she reluctantly called on him. he said:
_mary had a little lamb, a scrawny little runt. 
he stuck his nose up mary's dress, and smelled her little..._

and then he stopped and asked "teacher, do you want poetry or prose?" she knew how johnny could be, so she replied " better make it prose, johnny." 


so johnny started again:

_mary had a little lamb, a scrawny little runt. 
he stuck his nose up mary's dress, and smelled her little asshole_


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## laristotle (Aug 29, 2019)

A teacher asks the kids in her 6th grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this response from little Johnny decides not to acknowledge what he said and tries to continue with the lesson

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Johnny's whore"


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## cheezyridr (Jun 8, 2009)

there was this couple who had been married for over a decade. one day the husband says "hey baby, you remember how when we was kids, we used to have to sneak off in the woods to have some privacy and get romantic?"
the wife replied yeah, those were the days, huh? 
so the husband suggests that they revisit those days, and go out to the woods. the wife agrees. so they drive out to the forrest, and walk out to a moonlit clearing. the husband looks at his wife, bathed in moonlight, she's still every bit as beautiful as she ever was. his desire begins to rise when all of a sudden, a flying saucer appears in the sky, and lands right in the middle of the clearing. a door opens, and out walks 2 aliens, a male and a female. the human couple is shocked, but curious. the aliens walk up to them and the human couple says "welcome to earth".
the humans and the aliens bein to chat, and they are all surprised at how similar they are, and how well they get along. after a while, the topic of sex comes up. the human guy asks the alien guy what it's like for them. the alien tells him it's very similar to what humans do, with a few minor differences. then he has an idea. he says to the human "hey, want to try it out? you can take my wife for a turn, and i'll have yours for a turn, if they agree. they all look at each other, and nod eagerly. so the human woman walks off with the alien man into the space ship. the alien woman walks off with the man into the trees. when they get into the ship, they close the door, and the alien man immediately drops trou. the woman sees his pecker. it's about the size and girth of a crayon. she looks at him and says "i don't mean to be rude, but that's not going to cut it". the alien man smiles at her, and slaps his forehead. suddenly, his pecker grows to a foot long. the human woman says "that's better, but it's still very...thin." the alien guy smiles again, and tugs on his ears. suddenly, his pecker gets really fat. he's now sportin a woody that would make john holmes proud. the woman can't believe her luck, and she immediately begins to make full use of it. when they finish, the woman exits the space ship, to find the alien woman and the man waiting outside the door. the alien woman smiles at her, and goes into the ship. it begins to glow, and shoots off into space. it's gone in a blink. the man says to his wife "so babe, what did you think?"
she says, well, i have to admit, it was really good! how about you? the husband replied "it was so strange! the entire time she kept slappin me on the forehead and tuggin on my ears!!!


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## Verne (Dec 29, 2018)

Another little Johnny.

The teacher is going over the alphabet with her kids again. 
Teacher: Who can give me a word that start with the letter A.
Mary: I can. Apple starts with A.
Teacher: Great. Now use apple in a sentence.
Mary: I had an apple in my lunch today.
Teacher: Excellent. Now, who can give me a word starting with the letter B
Ted: Banana starts with B.
Teacher: Excellent Ted. Now use banana in a sentence.
Ted: I had a banana in my lunch today.
The teacher continues through the alphabet and gets to the letter U. Only little Johnny has his hand up. She mulls over all the cuss words starting with U. She can't really think of any, so she calls on Johnny to give his word.
Johnny: Urinate starts with U.
Teacher: Okay Johnny.....that's a big word, can you use it in a sentence?
Johnny: SURE!!! My dad says urinate, bigger tits you'd be a ten.


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## teleboli (Aug 19, 2009)

Homeless guy says " I haven't had a bite in a week ''

So I bit him.


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## cheezyridr (Jun 8, 2009)

once there was 2 goombahs, tony & dom. dom broke both legs in a car accident, and was laid up on the couch. tony came over to see how his best friend was doing. dom says "hey tony, my feet are cold, can you go upstairs to the bedroom and bring me my slippers? so tony goes up the stairs, and opens one of the bedroom doors. he sees dom's 2 beautiful daughters home from college, laying in he bed together. he says "your dad told me to come up here and have sex with yous two. they look at each other, then at tony, and reply "really? BOTH of us?" so tony yells down the stairs "hey dom, just one of them, or both?"

dome hollers back " both of them you dumbass! what good is fuckin one?"


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## teleboli (Aug 19, 2009)

Take my wife......

Please!


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## mawmow (Nov 14, 2017)

What is the very last piece of tissue a man can get off a woman ?
The dish cloth !


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## laristotle (Aug 29, 2019)

he Little Rascals are sitting in class one day when the teacher decides it's time to do some spelling. She says "okay students it's time to spell our word of the day. Today's word is DICTATE. Who thinks they can spell it?"
Spanky, being the leader that he is, raises his hand first "I can teacher!" -"Ok spanky, go ahead" -"Dictate. D-y-c.." The teacher interrupts him and says "sorry Spanky but that's incorrect. Anyone else?" -"I think I can!" proclaims Alfalfa. -"Alright Alfalfa, go ahead" says teacher. -"Dictate. D-i-t-c.." Again, teacher interrupts Alfalfa "sorry Alfalfa but that's also incorrect. "Anybody else?" -"I'll try" says Buckwheat. -"Alright Buckwheat go ahead" says the teacher -Buckwheat starts "Dictate. D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate." -"Good job Buckwheat!" says the teacher. "Now can you use it in a sentence?" Buckwheat thinks for a moment then looks over at Darla and says
"HEY DARLA! HOW MY DICTATE LAST NIGHT???"


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## SWLABR (Nov 7, 2017)

Little Johnny walks in on his mom getting out of the shower. 
He points and says "what's that?"
Oh.. that's where your father hit me with the axe
Good shot... he got you right in the c*nt!


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## BGood (Feb 20, 2015)

I tried to find a more recent thread about jokes, this is it, one year, not bad.

Every time I see this one ...


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## Doug Gifford (Jun 8, 2019)

Why to dogs lick their balls?


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## Mark Brown (Jan 4, 2022)

Doug Gifford said:


> Why to dogs lick their balls?


I'm not here to judge anyone else so please don't judge me but lord knows if I could I would 🤣


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## RonzoRif (4 mo ago)

Doug Gifford said:


> Why to dogs lick their balls?


Cuz they can


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## RonzoRif (4 mo ago)




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