# Lame G rated jokes - bring 'em on



## sambonee (Dec 20, 2007)

Billy - hey farmer, your cows smoke? 

Farmer - naw man whatcha talking about. 

Billy - well then you better run, the barn's a
Smoking something silly.


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## Adcandour (Apr 21, 2013)

deleted.

sometimes I get tired of being inappropriate.

you really set me up for the spike on this one, Sean.


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## Steadfastly (Nov 14, 2008)

Johnny comes home from school and tells his mother, "Mom! Today we were practicing counting and I was able to count all the way to 100!"

"That's wonderful!", said his mother. "That's because you're a drummer!"

Next day Johnny comes home and says, "Mom!" Today we worked on the alphabet and I was able to get all the way from A to Z!"

"Oh, Johnny, that's great!", says his mother. "That's because you're a drummer!"

The third day, Johnny comes home from school and says to his mother, "Mom! Today the school nurse took our measurements and I'm the tallest boy in the class! Is that because I'm a drummer?"

His mom replies, "No Johnny. That's because your 26 years old."


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## capnjim (Aug 19, 2011)

Whats brown and sticky???
















A stick


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## Guest (May 27, 2017)

This thread should be flagged, deleted and all respondents permanently banned.

Way too corny.


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## sambonee (Dec 20, 2007)

Player99 said:


> This thread should be flagged, deleted and all respondents permanently banned.


Could someone explain this to me. _I'm 26 and I don't get it. _


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## Guest (May 27, 2017)

sambonee said:


> Could someone explain this to me. _I'm 26 and I don't get it. _


Ninja edit ^


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## butterknucket (Feb 5, 2006)

Why was the stadium so cold?Because there were a lot of fans.


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## GTmaker (Apr 24, 2006)

A guy at a grocery store is at the checkout.
He bought a loaf of bread, some cold cuts and some cheese.
The cashier lady looks up at him and says " I can tell right away that your single".

The guy looks at his bag of groceries and says " I guess its pretty obvious".
She replies..." its not that, its because your ugly".
G.


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## zontar (Oct 25, 2007)

I used a high definition camera to take video of farms--but it turned out grainy.


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## Guest (May 27, 2017)

A piece of string walks into a bar. Before he sits down the bartender yells "Hey! We don't serve pieces of string like you!" 
The piece of string goes outside, ties himself in a bow, and rolls around on the ground for a bit. 
Then he gets up, goes back into the bar, and sits down. The bartender says "Aren't you that piece of string?" 
The string replies "No. I'm a frayed knot."


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## Guest (May 27, 2017)

A musician parks his car and leaves his accordion in the back seat while going to meet some friends for dinner.
He's a bit nervous about leaving it behind, but figures since the car is locked and in a public place, everything will be fine.
Throughout the meal, though, he finds himself worrying more and more, until finally he can't take the stress and decides to go check.
He excuses himself and hurries outside. From halfway across the parking lot, he sees the shattered glass.
Someone has broken the back window of his car!
Fearing the worst, he sprints across the lot and peers into the back seat, but it was too late: someone had already left another accordion.


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## Guest (May 27, 2017)

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.
First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there.
He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo.
Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time.
When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.


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## Guest (May 27, 2017)

If you have time to kill, this one's a long read.

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung.


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He lay awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He lay awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

Shakespeare walks into a bar.

Barkeeper says, "You're bard."


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

A horse walks into a bar and the barkeep says, "Why the long face?" 

The horse replies, "Because I'm Nicholas Cage."


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

Two men walk into a bar. The first one says, "I saw you out with your girlfriend last night, she’s quite attractive." 
The second one says, "Yes and I’m in with her twin too."
The first one says, "Oh really? How do you tell them apart?" 
The second one replied, "He's got a moustache".


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## zontar (Oct 25, 2007)

They say puns are the lowest form of humour--but poetry is verse


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## bolero (Oct 11, 2006)

Q: what's black & white & red all over?

A: a newspaper



Q: what's red & green and goes round and round?

A: a frog in a blender


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?

Turn them over, and if beer pours out, it’s a fiddle.


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## Robert1950 (Jan 21, 2006)

Any Dad joke.


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## sambonee (Dec 20, 2007)

Buddy asks lazy guitarist about his new guitar (of which he's currently trying).

Nice man. How old are the strings?


Answer

Which one???


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## GuitarT (Nov 23, 2010)

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? 
A Labracadbrador.


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## GuitarT (Nov 23, 2010)

A seal walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?". The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks".


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## GuitarT (Nov 23, 2010)

A young child told his mother "When I grow up I'm going to be a guitarist." His mother responded "Well honey, you can't do both".


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## amagras (Apr 22, 2015)

Mooh said:


> What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
> 
> Turn them over, and if beer pours out, it’s a fiddle.


That's true


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## Captn Platypus (May 27, 2017)

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsssshhh



What do you call a deer with no eyes?

I have no idear 




How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three- A right ear, a left ear and a final frontier.


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## mister.zed (Jun 8, 2011)

Q: What do you call a nose with no body?

A: No body nose.


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## Steadfastly (Nov 14, 2008)

A new student comes to class and when the teacher popped out of the class one of the students called out 56! The whole class erupted in laughter. The new student was perplexed and wondered what was so funny. A few moments later another student called out 12! Again the whole class broke out in laughter. Curiosity got the best of him and he asked the student beside him what was going on. He was told they all knew these jokes so well they had made a list of them and numbered them. They knew them so well they now knew them by number. The new student asks if he could try one. He was handed the list and picked out a joke he thought was particularly funny and called out the number but didn't even get a snicker. He tried another good one with the same result. He asked his fellow student why no one laughed. The fellow student says "You don't know how to tell a joke".


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## zontar (Oct 25, 2007)

Two guys walk into a bar--you figure the second guy would have seen it & ducked...


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## High/Deaf (Aug 19, 2009)

One evening, a young man's car broke down, so he walked a few miles up the road and came to a farmer's house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. He couldn't believe his luck. And then ................ oh, wait, I don't think this is the correct thread for this joke.


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## Tarbender (Apr 7, 2006)

Q. How do trees get on the internet?

A. They log on.


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## Tarbender (Apr 7, 2006)

Never trust stairs... there usually up to something.


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## amagras (Apr 22, 2015)

- wtf is a palindrome? 
- no, its not


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## Waterloo (Dec 25, 2012)

What did the zero say to the eight?

"Nice belt you're wearing!"


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## zontar (Oct 25, 2007)

Two peanuts were walking down the street--one was assualted.


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## Captn Platypus (May 27, 2017)

A frog walks into a bank, and approaches the teller. He sees the tellers name tag read Paddy Black and says

"I'd like to take out a loan, Mrs. Black"

"Certainly," says the teller, "how much would that be for?"

"One million dollars." replies the frog. "Don't worry, it's ok, I know the manager."

The teller is understandably taken aback by this, and asks if the frog has any collateral to cover this.

"As a matter of fact, I do!" says the frog, and he reaches into his pocket and hands over a tiny ceramic elephant.

"What?!" says the teller, "This is garbage! I can't take this!"

"Well, take it up with my father then!" The frog retorts.

"Oh yeah, and who might that be?" The teller is quickly getting more and more annoyed at the frog.

"Why, it's Keith Richards!" The frog is waiting impatiently, tapping his toe on the ground. "Now, can I have that loan or not?"

"Wait right here" the teller says, as she storms into the back room, looking for her manager.

"There's a frog out there who claims to know you, and wants a million dollar loan. He claims his father his Keith Richards! He even gave me this as collateral," she says, holding up the elephant. "I mean, what even is this?"

The manager takes a look at the elephant and replies "It's a knick knack, Paddy Black, give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone!"


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## keto (May 23, 2006)

Platypus, where in Alberta are you? I need to find you and kick you out of the province after that one.


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## Captn Platypus (May 27, 2017)

The sad thing is, I think I can go even more awful and lame. kill me now pls.


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## sambonee (Dec 20, 2007)

Player99 said:


> This thread should be flagged, deleted and all respondents permanently banned.
> 
> Way too corny.


Michael bublé is hanging out in the wrong bars!!


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## zontar (Oct 25, 2007)

Say knock, knock


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

Knock knock. Who's there? Nickelback. Nickelback who?
Knock knock. Who's there? Nickelback. Nickelback who?
Knock knock. Who's there? Nickelback. Nickelback who?
Knock knock. Who's there? Nickelback. Nickelback who?
Knock knock. Who's there? Nickelback. Nickelback who?
Knock knock. Who's there? Nickelback. Nickelback who?
Knock knock. Who's there? Nickelback. Nickelback who?
Knock knock. Who's there? Nickelback. Nickelback who?
Knock knock. Who's there? Nickelback. Nickelback who?
Knock knock. Who's there? Nickelback. Nickelback who?
Knock knock. Who's there? Nickelback. Nickelback who?
Knock knock. Who's there? Nickelback. Nickelback who?
Knock knock. Who's there? Nickelback. Nickelback who?
Knock knock. Who's there? Nickelback. Nickelback who?
Knock knock. Who's there? Nickelback. Nickelback who?
Knock knock. Who's there? Nickelback. Nickelback who?
Knock knock. Who's there? Nickelback. Nickelback who?
Knock knock. Who's there? Nickelback. Nickelback who?
Knock knock. Who's there? Nickelback. Nickelback who?
Knock knock. Who's there? Nickelback. Nickelback who?
Knock knock. Who's there? Nickelback. Nickelback who?
Knock knock. Who's there? Nickelback. Nickelback who?
Knock knock. Who's there? Nickelback. Nickelback who?
Knock knock. Who's there? Nickelback. Nickelback who?
Knock knock. Who's there? Nickelback. Nickelback who?
Knock knock. Who's there? Nickelback. Nickelback who?
Knock knock. Who's there? Nickelback. Nickelback who?
Knock knock. Who's there? Nickelback. Nickelback who?
Knock knock. Who's there? Nickelback. Nickelback who?
Knock knock. Who's there? Nickelback. Nickelback who?
Knock knock. Who's there? Nickelback. Nickelback who?
Knock knock. Who's there? Nickelback. Nickelback who?


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

How many guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two or more. One to hold the bulb and the rest to drink until the room spins.


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

God is Love, Love is Blind, Ray Charles is blind, Ray Charles is God.

Logic.


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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

The definition of endless love? Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.


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## High/Deaf (Aug 19, 2009)

Mooh said:


> How many guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb?
> 
> Two or more. One to hold the bulb and the rest to drink until the room spins.


LOL

The way I heard it:

How many guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six. One to change it and five to say "I coulda done that better".


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## Diablo (Dec 20, 2007)

High/Deaf said:


> LOL
> 
> The way I heard it:
> 
> ...


2 would say that...the other 3 would say he didn't do it with feeling.


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## boyscout (Feb 14, 2009)

I hope this is "g-rated", apologies if not. I'm deriving it from an over-long cartoon video someone sent me this morning, which I've already deleted so apologies to the creators.


Bob and Ted are sitting on the porch talking about vacations while Bob's wife Mary listens in through the kitchen window.

Bob says, "Ted, you've given me really great advice over the past few years about where to go for vacations, but I've gotta do something different this year."

Ted asks, "How come Bob?"

Bob tells Ted that each time he's gone on vacation his wife Mary has gotten pregnant. Hawaii, great trip, but Mary got pregnant. France, wonderful food but Mary got pregnant. Brazil, Mary got pregnant. "Ted, I can't afford to go on these vacations anymore; you've given me great advice but I've gotta change something."

"Change what Bob?", asks Ted.

"I'm thinkin'", says Bob, "that this year I hafta take Mary with me." <dishes crash in the kitchen>


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## dmc69 (Jan 20, 2011)

I heard Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but had a great fall.


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## dmc69 (Jan 20, 2011)

Come one guys, this is a forum of mostly dudes. DAD HARDER. I'm not a dad yet, so teach me your lame jokes.


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## butterknucket (Feb 5, 2006)




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## Captn Platypus (May 27, 2017)

I've got dad jokes coming out the whazooo. 

What do you call a sketchy Italian neighbourhood?
A spaghetto

Why can't you have a nose that's 12" long?
Because then it would be a foot!

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
Bison 

My wife is on a tropical food diet, the house is full of the stuff. It's enough to make a mango crazy!

What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine. 

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck

Okay. I think it's bed time.


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## dmc69 (Jan 20, 2011)

What do you call something with 5 eyes, 3 ears, and 7 feet? 

Ugly.


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## oldfartatplay (May 22, 2017)

Q: What's the difference between snot and broccoli?
A: Kids won't eat broccoli.


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## oldfartatplay (May 22, 2017)

What's red & pink & black & blue & bobs in the harbour?
A mainlander who tells Newfie jokes.

Once upon a time there was a family of cornworms. There was Papa Cornworm, Mama Cornworm, & they had a son called Motor. They were a happy family & got along well.
Comes the day when they take Motor out to do his first ear of corn. "Now watch, son" said Papa Cornworm & he drilled in ROWR ROWR ROWR ROWR & then he came out.
"Now watch ME, son" said Mama Cornworm & she drilled in NYEOW NYEOW NYEOW NYEOW & then she came out.
Little Motor steps up. "Nothin' to it" he says."Get outta my way" he says. And he drills in BUZZZZZZZ pop splut BUZZZZZZZZZZZZ sputter (sound of glass breaking) BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ clang honk tweet BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZ................
Mama & Papa waited. & waited. & waited. & waited. Finally Papa turned to Mama & said "I'm going in!!"
& you know what happened then?
OUT BORED MOTOR!!!!
>
A man goes into a book shop and asks the lady clerk "Do you have that book for men with short penises?"
Lady clerk " I don't think it's in yet"
Man : "That's the one. I'll take a copy."


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## sulphur (Jun 2, 2011)

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is big and heavy and the other is a little lighter.


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## oldfartatplay (May 22, 2017)

An old gent, 75 years old is an ardent fisherman, and is out in his boat one day having a good time. Suddenly, he hears a voice say "Pick me up"
He looks around, mystified, when he hears the voice again say "Pick me up"
He looks down in the water and there is a frog floating on the water.
"Did you say that?" he asks.
"Yes, I did." says the frog. "I am actually a beautiful, sexy princess, but I had an evil spell put on me. Pick me up and kiss me, and I'll turn back to my voluptuous, sexy self. I'll marry you and drive your friends mad with jealousy."
The gent looks at the frog for a moment, then picks it up and puts in his pocket.
'WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" screams the frog, "DON'T YOU WANT A BEAUTIFUL, SEXY, PRINCESS WIFE?"
"Nah" says the man, "At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog."


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## capnjim (Aug 19, 2011)

A guy goes to the doctor, the doc tells him....
"I have good news and I have bad news".....
"The good news is you have 24 hours to live"
The guy freaks out....
"That's the good news???? Whats the bad news???"

"I forgot to tell you yesterday" replies the doc.


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## oldfartatplay (May 22, 2017)

To this very day, people still wonder how Alexander achieved so many military victories, but few realise that they were all due to fantastic timing. It seems Alexander had his wizards concoct a special potion that, when a rag was soaked in it, would change colour every hour on the hour. All of Alexander's commanders wore such a rag wrapped around their wrists, and thus were able to coordinate their movements accordingly. And that, ladies & gentlemen, is the origin of (Are you ready for this?):
Alexander's Rag Timeband !


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## oldfartatplay (May 22, 2017)

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?", asks the pirate, "I feel fine."
Well, for one thing, you have a wooden leg. How'd that happen?" asks the barkeep.
"Oh, I got hit by a cannon ball, but I was fitted up with the timber. I feel fine, really." replies the pirate.
"And the hook? How about the hook?" the bartender asks.
"We boarded another ship" says the pirate, "I was in a sword fight and got my hand cut off, so they fitted me up with a hook."
What about the eye patch?" queries the bartender, "You didn't have that before."
"One day a flock of seabirds flew over the ship. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye" replies the pirate.
"You're kidding" says the suds slinger, "You can't lose an eye from bird poop."
Says the pirate, "It was my first day with the hook"


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## oldfartatplay (May 22, 2017)

Two acquaintances, a man and a lady, meet at a coffee shop and decide to get to know each other a little better. In the course of conversation,they discover they each have a parrot pet.
"But my parrot's incorrigible" says the man, "all he'll say is 'Hey, toots, how about some whoopee?'"
"How unusual' says the lady. " All MY parrot does is pray. Of course, she's a lady, like me. Say, I've got an idea. Why don't you bring your parrot over to my house and we'll put them in the cage together so your parrot will learn to pray from her?"
"Say that sounds like a great idea" says the man. So they go back to the man's house and collect the parrot and take it to the lady's house. Sure enough, no sooner had the male parrot been put in the cage when he said "Hey, toots, how about some whoopee?"

The lady parrot's eyes bug out and she spreads her wings. "Come to Mama!" she says. What do you think I've praying for all these years?"


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## oldfartatplay (May 22, 2017)

A man is sitting at a bar with a drink in front of him, minding his own business. Suddenly a 6'8', 300 lb. biker walks into the bar, reaches out, and downs the drink in one gulp.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" sneered the biker. To his amazement, the man bursts into tears and sobs uncontrollably.
"Geez, man, I wanted to kick someone's ass, not watch a grown man cry" says the biker.
"This has been the worst day of my life" sobbed the man. "I was late to a business meeting this morning and my boss fired me. When I went outside, my car had been stolen. I left my wallet in the cab that took me home. When I got there, I found my wife in bed with my best friend. Then my dog bit me. So I came down here and had resolved to end it all. I had just watched the poison capsule dissolve completely in my drink when you, you overgrown horse's ass, walk in and drink it all.
But enough about me, how's your day going?"


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## High/Deaf (Aug 19, 2009)

A dog with a bandaged legged pushes the saloons doors open and yells: "I'm lookin' for the guy who shot my paw."

_________

Doctor: Sorry, Bill, you don't have much time to live.
Bill: Well, how much time do I have?
Doctor: 10
Bill: 10 what?
Doctor: 9, 8 ....


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## zontar (Oct 25, 2007)

A man walks into a bar with a dog--he tells the bartender he has a talking dog & makes a bet for free drinks.
So the bartender accepts & tells him to prove it.
He says to the dog-"What does sandpaper feel like?"
The dog answers "Ruff"
Then he asks-"What's on top of a house?"
the dog answers "Roof"
Then he asks "Who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"
The dog answers, "Ruth"

The bartender is fed up & has the man & his dog thrown out.

Out in the gutter the dog looks at the man & says, "Maybe I should have said Mickey Mantle."


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## Lola (Nov 16, 2014)

I have a 3 year old neighbor that loves coming to my house! We do cool things together like colouring and Lego. I sure he has a few good ones up his sleeve! I will ask him!


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## zontar (Oct 25, 2007)

They say puns are the lowest form of humour--but poetry is verse.


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## sambonee (Dec 20, 2007)

Kid hasn't said a word since birth. He's 6. One night says to mama. "Yo, mama these beans taste like cow dung!!"

Mama - "son, you can talk. That's fantastic. Why haven't you said anything before?" 

Son - "until now, Everything's been just fine!" 

A candid lesson to helicopter parents.


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## zontar (Oct 25, 2007)

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.


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## Guest (Dec 11, 2017)

An anthropologist and his assistant were researching a small tribe on a remote 
South Pacific island and noticed a constant drumbeat coming from a distant mountain. 
They asked the tribal chief if the constant drumming bothered them.

"Drum beat, good", said the chief. "Drum stops, bad".

"Why? What happens?"

"Bass solo", the chief replied.


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## zontar (Oct 25, 2007)

laristotle said:


> An anthropologist and his assistant were researching a small tribe on a remote
> South Pacific island and noticed a constant drumbeat coming from a distant mountain.
> They asked the tribal chief if the constant drumming bothered them.
> 
> ...


Heard a few variations of this one--always amuses me...


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## snacker (Jun 26, 2008)

What did the 0 say to the 8?


Nice belt!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## zontar (Oct 25, 2007)

Woman: I'm so sick of not being understood!

Man:What do you mean?


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