# Official Musican Jokes Thread



## Beatles (Feb 7, 2006)

I'll get you guys started............

What´s the difference between a lead singer and a terrorist? 
A. You can negotiate with a terrorist. 

How can you tell when a drummer is at your door? 
A. The knock gets faster 

. What's the difference between a drummer and a puppy? 
A. The puppy will stop whining after a couple of months. 

: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords? 
A: A music critic. 

A guy walks into a shop. 
"How much is a Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingy and a Gibson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?" 
"You're a drummer, aren't you?" 
"Yeah. How'd you know?" 
"This is a travel agency 

What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
A: You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it. 

What did the drummer say to the singer?
A: Do you want me to count this in too fast or too slow


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## Ripper (Jul 1, 2006)

Q. Why does the bass player carry drumsticks on his dashboard?

A. So he can park in the handicapped spots.


Q. What do guitarists use for birth control?

A. Their personalities!


Q. Did you hear about the bass player that locked his keys in the car?

A. It took over an hour to get the drummer out.

Q. How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

A. 5 - 1 to change the bulb and 4 to discuss how Clapton would do it.


Q. What do you call a drummer with no girlfriend?

A. Homeless

Stones


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## Gilliangirl (Feb 26, 2006)

Not really a musician joke, but clever nonetheless!
A, C, E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then another A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and 
exclaims, "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-pc suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight! Come on in. This could be a major development."

This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit and everything else, and stands there au naturale. 

Eventually, the C sobers up and realizes he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the dimunition of a minor, and is sentenced to ten years of DS without a Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bass-less.

The bartender decides, however, that since he has had tenor for awhile, and with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything else has become alto much trouble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.


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## Lester B. Flat (Feb 21, 2006)

What's the definition of a minor 2nd?
A. Two violinists playing the same note.

What's the difference between a violin and a cello?
A. A cello burns longer.

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
A. Homeless.


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## ne1roc (Mar 4, 2006)

What do you throw to a bass player drowning in a lake?

His amp!


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## ne1roc (Mar 4, 2006)

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A drummer.


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## NB_Terry (Feb 2, 2006)

Gilliangirl said:


> Not really a musician joke, but clever nonetheless!
> A, C, E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.


That's pretty clever!


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## dwagar (Mar 6, 2006)

how do you tell is the stage is level?

the drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth.


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## Robert1950 (Jan 21, 2006)

What % of the jokes do think will be drummer jokes. :confused-smiley-010


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## Tarbender (Apr 7, 2006)

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo!


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## Ripper (Jul 1, 2006)

Why do bass players have small steering wheels on their cars?

So they can drive with handcuffs on


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## GTmaker (Apr 24, 2006)

a good joke is worth a thousand chords...great thread

Kid wants to learn to play the bass, so his dad gets him some lessons.
Kid comes home after the first week and his dad asks "So what did you learn today?"
Kid replies "The first five notes on the E string".
Kid comes home after the second week and his dad asks "So what did you learn this week?"
Kid replies "The first five notes on the A string".
Kid doesn't show up for his lesson the third week, and comes home really late reeking of booze and smoke, and dad asks "Where the heck have you been? Why weren't you at your lesson this week?"
Kid replies "Sorry dad. I had a gig."

and then there is this sad story...

A young, single woman is feeling very ill. She goes and has tests done by her doctor. After a few weeks of tests, and waiting for results she goes to meet up with her doctor. He tells her, I have to be frank with you the test results are not good. You have an incurable terminal disease and have no more than 6months to live." The doctor then says, "if I were you I would run out and marry a fingerstyle guitarist."
She asks, "How will that help me?"
The doctor says, "Oh it won't help your illness;
but it will make that six months seem like an eternity!"

then there is always reality to deal with....

Q - What is the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
A- The pizza can feed a family of four...

keep on rockin folks.....


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## rippinglickfest (Jan 1, 2006)

*Musicians*

What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Counterpoint.

How do you get a drummer to speed up?
Tell him to play a steady 120 BPM at 4/4


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## sysexguy (Mar 5, 2006)

A guitar player dies and climbs straight up to heaven. St Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates and checks the list. St Peter then recalls him mentioning something about being a guitar player and explains that guitar players aren't accepted in the Kingdom of Heaven so he'd best try his luck down below.

The guitarist descends all the way down to the gates of Hades following the signs to the entrance marked 666 where Lucifer himself is waiting. The Devil greets him and explains that they have a special place for him and tonight is a big event. He takes the guitarist into hell and they go to a really happening part with clubs and restaurants. The devil leads him to a large club with giant brass doors and 10,000 chasing lights on the marquee. Inside the club he notes a 88 ch Digico console, Meyer PA, varilights, lasers, the whole deal. 

Looking closer at the stage he stops in disbelief......John Bonham on drums, Jaco Pastorius on bass and Jimi Hendrix on guitar. The devil urges him to come on down and they take the side door backstage. There's a guitar rack with a '59 Sunburst, '61 Strat, Dot neck 335....you name it and the devil goes; :"grab your favorite guitar".....like magic, the guitarist automatically knows the changes and starts grooving along. After a few minutes he goes up to Jaco and says: "hey man, this is amazing". Jaco leans back and replies: "it's Hell, after this song, the chick singer comes on."


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## lolligagger (Feb 4, 2006)

*This one is for Robert1950*

So this drummer staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." 

The first priest says, "No son, you're not." So the drummer repeats his claim to the second priest. The second priest says, "No son, you're not." The drummer says, "Look, I can prove it." 

He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drummer and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"


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## sonicmat (Mar 4, 2007)

lolligagger said:


> So this drummer staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ."
> 
> The first priest says, "No son, you're not." So the drummer repeats his claim to the second priest. The second priest says, "No son, you're not." The drummer says, "Look, I can prove it."
> 
> He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drummer and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"


I love that one:rockon:


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## Guest (Apr 12, 2007)

-how many shredders does it take to change a light bulb?
-four, one to do it and the others standing around
saying "I could do that".


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## david henman (Feb 3, 2006)

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. 
In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, 
during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. 

Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, 
some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the 
tavern next door for a quick one. 

After slamming several beers in quick succession, one 
of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to 
get back!" 

"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought 
we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few 
pages of the conductor's score together with string. 
It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled." 

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert 
hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this 
time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed 
a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. 

"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? 
It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the 
bassists are loaded."


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## james on bass (Feb 4, 2006)

david henman said:


> "Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see?
> It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the
> bassists are loaded."



BRAVO!


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## james on bass (Feb 4, 2006)

What does a stripper do to her cornhole before she goes to work?










Buys him 2 new sticks and drops him off at band practice.


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## zao_89 (Feb 17, 2006)

Q. What was the last thing the drummer said to the band before he got fired?
A. Hey, why don't we try out one of my songs?

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.

Why couldn't Beethoven find his teacher?
Because he was Haydn.

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know." A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!" The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative. Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!" The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?" "I'm a musician." The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"


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