# Having A Rough Patch Vent



## torndownunit (May 14, 2006)

About 3 weeks ago my girlfriend of 6 years who I owned a house with broke up with me. We had some minor issues, but nothing that made me think this was coming. 

She hadn't really thought forward enough to consider what would happen with the house. So I left immediately, and have been living with family temporarily while looking for a place. She makes a better income than me, and decided to keep the house and buy me out. An option that just wasn't available to me, and that I don't even know if I could have done anyway because I considered it 'our' house. But, if we had sold we would have broken the mortgage and taken a beating on the sale. So it was the best out of a bunch of bad options. Halloween last night was a real gut punch because there was nothing more I loved than decorating the house up for Halloween. 

I had some anxiety issues in the past that I had proudly worked my way through, and this was like a shell shock that reverted me right back to that state.

Anyway, I am getting back on my feet. The one thing about something like this is that it forces some change and introspection. I am going to look into a new job. I am kind of looking forward to have the weight of the home ownership off my shoulders for a few years. Luckily, we had no kids so this could have been way worse.

The downside, The insane collection of gear I amassed while owning the house has to be thinned out. I am just keeping the stuff I actually gig with. I had to let some stuff go that I really love. But, it hopefully went to some people who will love it just as much.

Anyway, thanks for the vent space.


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## Hamstrung (Sep 21, 2007)

Sorry to hear that. Hang in there bro!


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## zurn (Oct 21, 2009)

torndownunit said:


> About 3 weeks ago my girlfriend of 6 years who I owned a house with broke up with me. We had some minor issues, but nothing that made me think this was coming.
> 
> She hadn't really thought forward enough to consider what would happen with the house. So I left immediately, and have been living with family temporarily while looking for a place. She makes a better income than me, and decided to keep the house and buy me out. An option that just wasn't available to me, and that I don't even know if I could have done anyway because I considered it 'our' house. But, if we had sold we would have broken the mortgage and taken a beating on the sale. So it was the best out of a bunch of bad options. Halloween last night was a real gut punch because there was nothing more I loved than decorating the house up for Halloween.
> 
> ...


Look at it this way, heartbreak and breakups stories make good songs. The last time I had a breakup I started playing a lot more guitar and inspiration just came poring out. Channel everything your going though into you music and surely it will help you go through it


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## torndownunit (May 14, 2006)

zurn said:


> Look at it this way, heartbreak and breakups stories make good songs. The last time I had a breakup I started playing a lot more guitar and inspiration just came poring out. Channel everything your going though into you music and surely it will help you go through it


It definitely motivates me to get out and jam more. I am just trying to get out and do as much as I can in general. Following the policy, if someone asks me to go out somewhere, I just say yes. I learned from my previous anxiety experiences luckily that isolating myself is the worst possible thing. Thanks.


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## mhammer (Nov 30, 2007)

My older son broke up with his girlfriend of 9 years this past April. Though sad to see it happen (they made a terrific couple), I'm glad it was much earlier this year, because his apartment is a block from my work, and I was able to pop over (at his request) for a father-son chat on weighty matters, and help him through it, after we were both finished work. Not that he lacks for good friends, but in his age range (27), no one has ever been through a relationship that long, and doesn't really have much advice to offer. My organization moves out of our current building to across the river in 3 weeks, so such chats will be more complicated to arrange. And since we have been forced to abandon cubicles for smaller-space open-concept, chatting over the phone will be problematic. So I'm glad I could do the more intensive nursing while I had the opportunity.

Whether it is the end of a relationship with a person, a neighbourhood or community, a job, a career, or anything else important in one's life, breaking up is hard to do, and a major source of stress in people's lives.

The Holmes and Rahe "Social Readjustment Rating Scale" attempted to quantify that stress. It has since been viewed as a nice first try, but methodologically weak because if you check off some things, you necessarily have to check off others, inflating your "score". Still, a helpful way of recognizing how sometimes changes that are simple to summarize to others actually have a LOT of wrinkles and consequences to them.


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## torndownunit (May 14, 2006)

Thanks! I find this one really tough because at my age now, 37, I kinda thought this was the one. It's her friendship I will miss the most because I loved doing pretty much everything with her even if it was grocery shopping. Anytime I think of 'moving on' that reality hits me. It's hard to imagine having that and being able to live with someone else so effortlessly. Think I may be single for awhile.


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## mhammer (Nov 30, 2007)

My son is in the same boat. That's the problem with ANY lengthy relationship, whether romantic or otherwise. So much of the mundane gets associated with that person. My best friend growing up passed away at the age of 33. Nearly 30 years later, I _still _reflexively think "Oh, Lenny would absolutely _love_ this!".

That's also why the Lazarus & Folkman "Hassles and Uplifts Scale" is a better predictor of stress than the Holmes and Rahe scale I posted earlier ( https://www.google.ca/search?q=hassles+and+uplifts+&meta=&safe=active ). It's the little things that add up thhat make major life transitions so draining.

Imagine you've been widowed, say 8 months ago. You've adapted emotionally, more or less. You're certainly not staying up all night, and sobbing all day, and have resumed pretty much normal interactions with other people close to you. But in cleaning this up you find one of "their" missing socks. Two days later you get mail from some charitable organization seeking donations that is addressed to "them". You run into some people while out shopping that you haven't seen in a dog's age, and one of them asks "So, how's [spouse name here]?". The little things just go on and on and on. It is the constant negative emotion prompted by that which causes the stress, not the mere fact that you've lost someone close to you..


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## Swervin55 (Oct 30, 2009)

I feel bad for you TDU. Hang in there and use your music to heal (as so aptly suggested above).


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## marcos (Jan 13, 2009)

You sound like a strong young man so you will get through this.


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## blam (Feb 18, 2011)

Damn. Sorry to hear. Hopefully you get back on your feet in short time. 

Sent from my SGH-I337M using Tapatalk


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## TWRC (Apr 22, 2011)

Hang in there man. I went through the exact same thing as you 3 years ago. In hindsight, it was the worst thing that could have happened, but life always has a way of working itself out if you work at it. Currently, I can't imagine my life getting any better than what it is. Keep at your music and just enjoy the little things.


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## greco (Jul 15, 2007)

Do whatever is needed to take very good care of yourself (I mean it!). 

As others have said, you will eventually get through this troubling time.

Cheers

Dave


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## Shark (Jun 10, 2010)

Sorry to hear about the breakup pain. I wish you the best in getting to a happy place in life soon.

FWIW, when a woman has a higher income that's almost always something that causes them to get itchy feet eventually.


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## bluzfish (Mar 12, 2011)

When my marriage ended oh so long ago now, I blamed my pursuit of musical interests and tried to purge my life of all music and musician friends for too many years. It was like a nightmare until I finally woke up and realized that music and friends would have been my saviors if I had just let them be.

Embrace your friends and your music and let the future unfold naturally.


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## greco (Jul 15, 2007)

bluzfish said:


> Embrace your friends and your music and let the future unfold naturally.


Very wise advice, IMHO.


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## greco (Jul 15, 2007)

Shark said:


> FWIW, when a woman has a higher income that's almost always something that causes them to get itchy feet eventually.


IMO, this is total rubbish and an extremely outdated way of thinking.


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## mhammer (Nov 30, 2007)

Well it sure as hell is NOT a confidence booster ("Yeah, now that I don't have to depend on you, come to think of it, you're actually not _that_ great a lay.") Oh my, it is _exactly _what EVERY man wants to hear!
:sSig_help:
Nope, what you look for is radical change in hairstyle. When she changes her hair in major fashion, she has a new self-image, which may...or may not, include you.


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## elliottmoose (Aug 20, 2012)

mhammer said:


> ...That's the problem with ANY lengthy relationship, whether romantic or otherwise. So much of the mundane gets associated with that person.... The little things just go on and on and on. It is the constant negative emotion prompted by that which causes the stress, not the mere fact that you've lost someone close to you..


Yeah this is the toughest part for me: the association of little day to day things and the negative effects of constant reminders of your past. 

When I was in hospital a few years ago, I had only been married about 6 months -- not the newlywed phase we wanted, but the one we got.

I'm sorry to hear you are going through a rough time and hope you find what you need in others and music. I think you can find support in many ways, so don't feel limited to just one. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## bluzfish (Mar 12, 2011)

mhammer said:


> Nope, what you look for is radical change in hairstyle. When she changes her hair in major fashion, she has a new self-image, which may...or may not, include you.


You mean...


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## Shark (Jun 10, 2010)

greco said:


> IMO, this is total rubbish and an extremely outdated way of thinking.


Believe what you like. Unfortunately for you, science has a way of not being politically correct. 
_
"[A] 25-year study that tracked 2,500 married couples found that female breadwinners were 40 percent more likely to divorce their lower-earning husbands than women who raked in less than their partners."_


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## cheezyridr (Jun 8, 2009)

dude, i have been in a very similar situation myself. hang in there. put your head down, concentrate on your job, and before you know it, it's in the past and you're off doing something else.


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## torndownunit (May 14, 2006)

Shark said:


> Sorry to hear about the breakup pain. I wish you the best in getting to a happy place in life soon.
> 
> FWIW, when a woman has a higher income that's almost always something that causes them to get itchy feet eventually.


There isn't that much of a gap in this case. This year my income might have actually been more than hers in fact (I won't know because we won't be doing taxes together). We both had our own businesses that were growing. I won't say this doesn't apply to everyone out there I am sure there are people who think that way, but it wasn't really a factor in this case. How hard we worked was more a problem than the money we were getting for it. It's just at this time, I couldn't take on the house alone. And I don't really know how she is going to either, she must have got some help from family.

Thanks for the kind words guys. I just secured a place to live today which is nice. But, I feel completely miserable while being happy. Kind of a nasty feeling. I am glad to move on, but this signals the house I worked so hard for officially not being my house.


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## Chito (Feb 17, 2006)

Sorry to hear about the break up. It's never easy specially when you have started establishing things together. But based on what you have posted so far, I honestly believe you will be fine. I've always been told, when a door closes, there's always a new and better one that opens. Good luck.


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## bw66 (Dec 17, 2009)

Hang in there, time heals all wounds if you let it. Stay positive.



Shark said:


> FWIW, when a woman has a higher income that's almost always something that causes them to get itchy feet eventually.


(Sure hope that's not true!)


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## brimc76 (Feb 14, 2008)

Try to keep your head up and get through this. Time will eventually work things out for you but it's rough for a while. Make sure you keep in touch with friends and let them help you through tough times.


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## Shark (Jun 10, 2010)

torndownunit said:


> There isn't that much of a gap in this case. This year my income might have actually been more than hers in fact (I won't know because we won't be doing taxes together). We both had our own businesses that were growing. I won't say this doesn't apply to everyone out there I am sure there are people who think that way, but it wasn't really a factor in this case. How hard we worked was more a problem than the money we were getting for it. It's just at this time, I couldn't take on the house alone. And I don't really know how she is going to either, she must have got some help from family.


Hey, I don't want to derail your thread (I do have a penchant for tangents). All the best for your future.


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## Guest (Nov 2, 2013)

torndownunit said:


> I just secured a place to live today which is nice. But, I feel completely miserable while being happy.


Give us your address and we'll all be over with a keg and guitars.


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## sulphur (Jun 2, 2011)

Sorry to hear tdu, take care and talk it out with someone, if needed.


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## Steadfastly (Nov 14, 2008)

I am very sorry to hear about the break up. I hope things go well with you in the future and you can move on successfully. Talking helps. Find a friend(s) or family member(s) who doesn't mind listening, even if you've said the same thing before (even a number of times). It helps you to deal with your emotions of which there are many in a case like this.


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## Guitar101 (Jan 19, 2011)

laristotle said:


> Give us your address and we'll all be over with a keg and guitars.


_This may not be such a good idea. That last thing we want to do is get him kicked out of his new place. _

Sorry to hear about your breakup TDU but a year from now you'll be walking down the street hand in hand with your new girl singing Garth Brook's "Unanswered Prayers". It just takes a little time.


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## Guest (Nov 2, 2013)

I was more in the mind of a little cheer up.
After thinking about it, acoustics would be better.


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## Ship of fools (Nov 17, 2007)

You know someone really has to ask the big question, you didn't see it coming. I have been married for over 25 years and with her for over 31+ years and she ( your ex ) didn't just wake up the other day and just say guess what I am going to throw 6 years out the window. 
And if you didn't see it coming then either a) you were just fooling yourself or b) you were not paying attention cause I can say one thing for sure women always leave tell tale signs that things are not going the way they want them to and almost always they are very vocal about it in some form and you either pretended al was well or you were not paying attention at home.
Not blaming you here just saying you need to maybe listen with your heart instead of your ears and have you made any attempt to discuss it with her after the fact and see why things went to the gutter and out the door. With the right amount of work and believe me its a ton of work sometimes you can fix these things and seeing what you both can do to help fix the relationship. Just a thought.ship


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## elliottmoose (Aug 20, 2012)

Ship of fools said:


> You know someone really has to ask the big question, you didn't see it coming. I have been married for over 25 years and with her for over 31+ years and she ( your ex ) didn't just wake up the other day and just say guess what I am going to throw 6 years out the window.
> And if you didn't see it coming then either a) you were just fooling yourself or b) you were not paying attention cause I can say one thing for sure women always leave tell tale signs that things are not going the way they want them to and almost always they are very vocal about it in some form and you either pretended al was well or you were not paying attention at home.
> Not blaming you here just saying you need to maybe listen with your heart instead of your ears and have you made any attempt to discuss it with her after the fact and see why things went to the gutter and out the door. With the right amount of work and believe me its a ton of work sometimes you can fix these things and seeing what you both can do to help fix the relationship. Just a thought.ship


I totally disagree with this, on two levels:

First, I've seen families completely uprooted almost overnight for some of the least justifiable reasons. A friend was married to a doctor for 50+ years, then her husband (the doctor) had a manic episode that lasted maybe two weeks, but in that time, he evicted his wife from their family home, took on a mistress, was forcefully removed from work for making advances towards a patient, and stripped of his practice and then he sold all of their assets and properties. In two weeks. 

True, we are human and the loss of a close relationship can leave anyone stunned and feeling blindsided. But stuff happens, give the guy a break. 

As a follow-up to that point, I take inspiration from the highly 'Phil'-osophical Modern Family: just like when someone dies too young, you want to know how it happened: maybe so you can fix your own life, but ultimately you want to believe 'that couldn't happen to me.' 

The poor guy's rough patch isn't exactly the ideal time for placing blame. I'm not exactly known for my optimism (just ask my depression) but I think our collective GC powers would be better directed towards getting our brother out of the rain and in front of a nice warm fire than pointing out what he could/should have done.

Rant done, door always open, hot beverage available as needed. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## blam (Feb 18, 2011)

I have to agree with elliot moose.... I've been in a situation where the ex just said one day, ya its over. see ya. no signs whatsoever and the days prior were great. 

I've seen other people decide over night their relationship was over. 

but lets all be honest, bitches be cray!!!! we don't need them......right?


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## bagpipe (Sep 19, 2006)

Shark said:


> FWIW, when a woman has a higher income that's almost always something that causes them to get itchy feet eventually.





greco said:


> IMO, this is total rubbish and an extremely outdated way of thinking.


Shark, lets move out of the Stone Age please. Enlightened males nowadays are happy if their partners bring in a higher income. Look up "equality" in the dictionary. Also, try to pull your head out of your arsehole.


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## Shark (Jun 10, 2010)

bagpipe said:


> Shark, lets move out of the Stone Age please. Enlightened males nowadays are happy if their partners bring in a higher income. Look up "equality" in the dictionary. Also, try to pull your head out of your arsehole.


Let's not derail the thread of a poor guy going through a bad time with your argument. If you want to air your opinions, start another thread. It would be nice if you'd try to make your point with actual facts rather than empty patronising and putting words into my mouth--nowhere have I said that men and women are not equal. The fact is that men and women innately desire some different things in relationships.


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## Steadfastly (Nov 14, 2008)

elliottmoose said:


> I totally disagree with this, on two levels:
> 
> First, I've seen families completely uprooted almost overnight for some of the least justifiable reasons. A friend was married to a doctor for 50+ years, then her husband (the doctor)_* had a manic episode*_ that lasted maybe two weeks, but in that time, he evicted his wife from their family home, took on a mistress, was forcefully removed from work for making advances towards a patient, and stripped of his practice and then he sold all of their assets and properties. In two weeks.


While that can and does happen it is rare. We have a friend in Montreal where all of a sudden she developed bi-polar and went completely contrary to her usual sweet nature and loving wife and mother. When she was diagnosed and got her medication balanced, she became the same person and mother again and continues to be so. 

Whether there were signs of the relationship breaking up, we don't know. What we do know is the OP needed to get some things off his chest and we should not surmise that we know what happened because it happened to me, a close friend or we think we just know better. Remember what assume can mean ( asswho-me?). When someone, obviously needs some empathy, we should be mature enough to extend it. It never hurts to be kind.

I liked Ship's point in trying to repair the relationship in his quote below. You don't know if it's impossible until you give it everything you've got.



> _have you made any attempt to discuss it with her after the fact and see why things went to the gutter and out the door. With the right amount of work and believe me its a ton of work sometimes you can fix these things and seeing what you both can do to help fix the relationship. Just a thought.ship_


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## Electraglide (Jan 24, 2010)

torndownunit said:


> I had some anxiety issues in the past that I had proudly worked my way through, and this was like a shell shock that reverted me right back to that state.
> 
> Anyway, I am getting back on my feet. The one thing about something like this is that it forces some change and introspection. I am going to look into a new job. I am kind of looking forward to have the weight of the home ownership off my shoulders for a few years. Luckily, we had no kids so this could have been way worse.
> Anyway, thanks for the vent space.


Been there, done that. More than once. Sounds like you're getting things under control, new place and all. And vent and rant away all you feel like.


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## cheezyridr (Jun 8, 2009)

Steadfastly said:


> While that can and does happen it is rare.



i dont think it is rare. before i met my wife i had been seeing a woman i met through a friend. we dated hot and heavy for a year. she wanted to get married, the whole 9 yards. we had begun to make plans, and were getting ready to send out "save the date" cards to friends and family. at her insistence, i got rid of my house, so we could live in hers. about 2 weeks after the house was gone, she said to me one night "this isn't working out, i think we should split up" a couple days after i moved out i went back to get my mother's crystal which got left behind. i had asked her to leave it on the curb for me to pick up, as she was adamant about not seeing me. as i pulled up to get the box at the end of the drive, her ex husband, the one who was so abusive, was moving his stuff back in after being gone 2 years. we went from marathon sex every night to me sleeping in the den until i could find a place to go, in seconds.


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## Shark (Jun 10, 2010)

cheezyridr said:


> we went from marathon sex every night . . .


That's actually a red flag for her cheating on you. Is that what happened at the end? I bet it did, whether you knew it or not.

I used to work with people in a semi-pastoral type role through a couple of churches from 1993 to 2003. After that I took a break for a few years and then got involved in some groups for people who wanted to have better marriages (or long term relationships). I've seen hundreds of people go through tough times with their relationships. While relationships may seem complex on the surface, they tend to fail for much the same reasons each time and there are nearly always signs, if you have seen them enough times before. Although we may all be different, we are still quite predictable, on the whole.


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## Milkman (Feb 2, 2006)

I hope this passes quickly for you TDU.

There but for the grace of Gad go I???

I've come close a number of times, but today is our 23rd wedding anniversary. 

All the best.


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## Ship of fools (Nov 17, 2007)

elliottmoose said:


> I totally disagree with this, on two levels:
> 
> First, I've seen families completely uprooted almost overnight for some of the least justifiable reasons. A friend was married to a doctor for 50+ years, then her husband (the doctor) had a manic episode that lasted maybe two weeks, but in that time, he evicted his wife from their family home, took on a mistress, was forcefully removed from work for making advances towards a patient, and stripped of his practice and then he sold all of their assets and properties. In two weeks.
> 
> ...


Of course you are entitled to disagree but you see it as me blaming him, no what I said was he missed all of the signs that were there and you referring to some Doctor that you know who obviously had some sort of break down is not the same thing is it. No its not time to hold his hands and sing kumbya he's a big boy and only he really knows how it played out so I just see it as I see it and you see it as you see it.
I am an optimist and see him coming out of this either back in the relationship or better off for not being back in the relationship, yep its tough to break up but at the end of the day we all need to figure out why these things happen so they are not repeated in the next relationship and it gives him a better chance to secure a loving growing and long last commitment. 
And blam I am not going to agree with you everybody needs somebody to love. 
Just my opinion and if you don't agree but never tell me that I blamed him, a relationship is 100% for each party and what they bring to the table is what it is and sacrifices are made by both man and women if they are willing to put the work in and trust me it is work to keep you both happy enough to stay together. ship
And milkman congrats not an easy thing is it.


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## smorgdonkey (Jun 23, 2008)

Sometimes (very often) the 'warning signs' are only seen in hindsight - they seem like nothing at the time.

Someone said to me one time: "everyone is looking to trade up" and I have seen some people make poor trades.

Someone also said: "happiness comes from within"...now on that one, I can buy in.


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## bluzfish (Mar 12, 2011)

smorgdonkey said:


> Sometimes (very often) the 'warning signs' are only seen in hindsight - they seem like nothing at the time.
> 
> Someone said to me one time: "everyone is looking to trade up" and I have seen some people make poor trades.
> 
> Someone also said: "happiness comes from within"...now on that one, I can buy in.


Wow. That would make an excellent song lyric!


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## torndownunit (May 14, 2006)

smorgdonkey said:


> Sometimes (very often) the 'warning signs' are only seen in hindsight - they seem like nothing at the time.
> 
> Someone said to me one time: "everyone is looking to trade up" and I have seen some people make poor trades.
> 
> Someone also said: "happiness comes from within"...now on that one, I can buy in.


This is pretty much it. Some things were working, some weren't. I underestimated the things that weren't. I took some things for granted. No one is perfect. Also, some people can overlook some things, some people can't. I tend to view things from a 'big picture perspective'. I am very aware of my own faults, and am understanding of others. But I can't fault someone else for not being that way.

I appreciate your view of things Ship, but just because you haven't experienced something personally, it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. The other big point here is that you don't know any of the story. My ex has some serious family crisis going on that came out of the blue too that she doesn't even know how to being dealing with. And while they are things I could be there for her for and would have been, they are not things I could deal with FOR her. She's having a life crisis of sorts and doesn't really know what she's doing with a whole lot of things. 

Anyone who claims they know ANYTHING about other people's relationships needs to adjust their thinking IMO. You can console people and be there for them, but you can't tell someone else what they should have or shouldn't have done. You aren't them. Shit really does happen sometimes. Not the most complex saying, but it's accurate.


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## deadear (Nov 24, 2011)

I did not get to read all the posts. If it was me I would insure the house sold and got my half even if I came out with less money than a buy out. I would not give any women the satisfaction of getting rid of me and getting a new man under my roof. Best of luck.


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## Ship of fools (Nov 17, 2007)

Torndownunit now it makes even more sense as to why and the what's and yes I have experienced a break up that I didn't want to do, but it was more for her own good I was in a bad place at that time period you know the 60's and such. 
Not claiming to know others relationships just been around the block a touch longer then some others.
As for her well you gave her 6 years it might help her if you extend your hand out as a friend to help her get over this bump in the road of hers and who knows it also might bring the two of you back together. good luck to you either way and to her too.ship


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## torndownunit (May 14, 2006)

deadear said:


> I did not get to read all the posts. If it was me I would insure the house sold and got my half even if I came out with less money than a buy out. I would not give any women the satisfaction of getting rid of me and getting a new man under my roof. Best of luck.


Again, easy to say when you aren't the one it's happening too. I simply can't afford the repercussions of breaking a mortgage at this time. Or the loss we would have taken on the house at this time. The route she took will be just as hard for her as it took both of us to carry that house. Also, if she doesn't want to be with me, there is absolutely nothing I can do about her finding someone else. It will suck no matter who's roof it's under, but that's the way it is. I'd rather not go through life being aggressive, hateful and bitter personally. That would be way worse than having to deal with a breakup. That energy is better spent in trying to move on.


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## bw66 (Dec 17, 2009)

torndownunit said:


> I'd rather not go through life being aggressive, hateful and bitter personally. That would be way worse than having to deal with a breakup. That energy is better spent in trying to move on.


This tells me you'll be okay. Hang in there!


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## davetcan (Feb 27, 2006)

Really sorry to hear about this and I sure hope you come out of it OK. I also hope your ex gets through her family crisis, people do strange things when under extreme pressure. We're all different and we all handle things differently. Hopefully both of you will get through this.

From what you've stated in the quote you have your head on straight, good for you and all the best.



torndownunit said:


> \ I'd rather not go through life being aggressive, hateful and bitter personally. That would be way worse than having to deal with a breakup. That energy is better spent in trying to move on.


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## cheezyridr (Jun 8, 2009)

Shark said:


> That's actually a red flag for her cheating on you. Is that what happened at the end? I bet it did, whether you knew it or not.


i don't see how it could have been any other way. i mean, the dude was moving his stuff back in 2 or 3 days later. i doubt they made the decision that afternoon.


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## Steadfastly (Nov 14, 2008)

cheezyridr said:


> i don't see how it could have been any other way. i mean, the dude was moving his stuff back in 2 or 3 days later._* I doubt they made the decision that afternoon.*_


It's not very likely, that's for sure.


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## Shark (Jun 10, 2010)

cheezyridr said:


> i don't see how it could have been any other way. i mean, the dude was moving his stuff back in 2 or 3 days later. i doubt they made the decision that afternoon.


Yeah. Ouch.


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## torndownunit (May 14, 2006)

cheezyridr said:


> i don't see how it could have been any other way. i mean, the dude was moving his stuff back in 2 or 3 days later. i doubt they made the decision that afternoon.


When I read these stories it's definitely a reminder of how worse things could be and why I have to try to be positive.


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## smorgdonkey (Jun 23, 2008)

cheezyridr said:


> her ex husband, the one who was so abusive, was moving his stuff back in after being gone 2 years.


The unfortunate part of that is that people who have been abused start to feel odd when they aren't abused any more and often have a huge draw to their abuser(s). They will often seek out other abusive people to be involved with if they don't reconcile with their abuser(s).To most of us they just seem stupid but it is psychological damage that they are dealing with and that's why most people don't understand it.


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## cheezyridr (Jun 8, 2009)

i dont know which of us is more stupid -

a) me, for wallpapering the dining room, painting the downstairs everywhere, buying a new fridge and dishwasher, new beds for 3 kids, carpeting the downstairs, and the stairs, shouldering the entire cost of christmas, and weekly groceries, and catching up her mortgage which was 3 months behind

b) her, for tossing away someone like me, for someone like him.


but it did work out for the best. less than a year later i got sick and almost died. she couldn't have handled what followed. instead, i met a woman who puts up with me and even loves me, with a loyalty ive never seen in anyone else, ever. not even my own mother. if i coulda known how things would turn out, how my current wife made it all worth it, i'd do it again in a blink, no shizz


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## mhammer (Nov 30, 2007)

Some years back, I was chatting with one of the secretaries in my department. She was attempting to convey something that required her to refer to her ex-, former partner, or something not well defined, or at least some role she was uncomfortable referring to. She struggled to find a suitable phrase "My, uh,....the, um...." at which point I interjected with "You mean the fellow who gave you _much _better taste in men?". "EXACTLY!", she replied.


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## shoretyus (Jan 6, 2007)

torndownunit said:


> When I read these stories it's definitely a reminder of how worse things could be and why I have to try to be positive.


Ha .. I got it ALL..... it is now a year.... fighting the SAME Schizophrenic woman for the SECOND time on a house that I ALREADY owned and a woman that makes more money than me. She is all about the cash... even wanted the compost.....not the bin .. the compost. 

Starting again @ 57.....

EVERYBODY come play here.. nobody will get kicked out and I still have the Hammond ....


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## torndownunit (May 14, 2006)

For those of you a little more experienced in life than I am. While I accept the aspects of the relationship ending, I am not happy with the way things have gone with the house. I will get paid off in the end though. I would really like to say some things to her regarding how it's been taken care of. Would most of you just deal with it and move along with it just like everything else? Or would you regret not having said anything? I know there is no right or wrong answer, I am just curious. I can see a time in the future when her and I could be friends. But is it better to settle something like this, and deal with some immediate conflict so it's not a nagging thing? These are the types of matters I am having a tougher time movie on moving on with. I know it's all. Just opinion and advice, but I appreciate the dialogue.


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## smorgdonkey (Jun 23, 2008)

torndownunit said:


> For those of you a little more experienced in life than I am. While I accept the aspects of the relationship ending, I am not happy with the way things have gone with the house. I will get paid off in the end though. I would really like to say some things to her regarding how it's been taken care of. Would most of you just deal with it and move along with it just like everything else? Or would you regret not having said anything? I know there is no right or wrong answer, I am just curious. I can see a time in the future when her and I could be friends. But is it better to settle something like this, and deal with some immediate conflict so it's not a nagging thing? These are the types of matters I am having a tougher time movie on moving on with. I know it's all. Just opinion and advice, but I appreciate the dialogue.


I will tell you how one particular one went for me...I made a great offer to her regarding how the property would be divided up. She thought it wasn't good enough (because my Spidey senses started tingling and I put a keylogger on the computer) so I saw that she was looking for more - MORE??!! All of our mutual friends said "you are being far too kind" (to me).

Anyway...I bit my tongue because there were many times that I wanted to say something but I decided not to. There were even times that I thought back and said "I should have said that" but in the end she said (in a tone that said 'I can not believe it') "and I left you for that".

So...something to keep in mind: The things that you want to say are often obvious to the other person but the difference is that *you care what you think and they don't care what you think*.

More importantly, the high road has quite a few bumps on it, it may be longer but it is a cleaner trek, much more scenic and the air is fresher.


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## MykelJ (Nov 3, 2006)

I don't write too often on this board, but wanted to provide some advice - because I made the mistakes after one long term relationship ended. For the house issue, hire a lawyer or a financial friend or bank contact, to take care of the house payment issues. You're too close to do this objectively. My big mistake was trying to remain friends with her - what I should have done was cut off all contact and communication and adjusted to the stress of the relationship ending. It would have been much easier moving on and adjusting without her around me. (or me trying to be around her) I also did the 'let's talk so I can tell you what I'm thinking and feeling' and looking for answers. I should have stop seeing her in person, or phoning, or emailing, or checking on her social media pages, etc etc. and just completely ended all contact. What I eventually ended up doing was talking with a professional councellor who gave much more help in resolving my issues. Trying to get over someone when they're still around you makes it more difficult, no matter what you think right now.
I finally woke up the day I went over to her house (about 3 weeks after we officially broke up) to drop off the things she'd left at my place (and we had a pre arranged time and day for this, I didn't just show up unannounced) and she had the 'new' guy at her house in the living room when I showed up. I literally dropped her stuff on the floor, said 'what are you doing to me?" turned around, got in my car, and drove off, with the thought in my head that I would never go back there and have no more contact with her. That worked. Fast forward in time, looking back I can't imagine why I would have even wanted to resolve things with her.
My overall point - move on with your life without her, and let someone else resolve the house finances.
Hope this helps. Mike.


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## smorgdonkey (Jun 23, 2008)

Good advice Mike...although I think he has an agreement regarding the house (just make sure you are no longer signed/connected to the money owing). 



MykelJ said:


> looking back I can't imagine why I would have even wanted to resolve things with her.


You know what they say...you can't see the forest for the trees. All but 2 (maybe 3) women I have ever been involved with were 'why the h377 was I with her?' types - it's just harder to tell when you are too close.


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## cheezyridr (Jun 8, 2009)

smorgdonkey said:


> I will tell you how one particular one went for me...I made a great offer to her regarding how the property would be divided up. She thought it wasn't good enough (because my Spidey senses started tingling and I put a keylogger on the computer) so I saw that she was looking for more - MORE??!! All of our mutual friends said "you are being far too kind" (to me).
> 
> Anyway...I bit my tongue because there were many times that I wanted to say something but I decided not to. There were even times that I thought back and said "I should have said that" but in the end she said (in a tone that said 'I can not believe it') "and I left you for that".
> 
> ...



that's it right there. the only reason i'll even post what i was gonna say is to show i was gonna say it too, just not as well as you just did




in my experience no matter how accurate, clever, or important what you say might be, it will not mean a thing to her. best thing you can do is move on as if she was a speed bump. it's true what they say - 

the best revenge is living well. you guys have mutual acquaintances/friends. she's gonna know. and while she's standing in your past, you'll be busy building your future.


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## Chito (Feb 17, 2006)

torndownunit said:


> For those of you a little more experienced in life than I am. While I accept the aspects of the relationship ending, I am not happy with the way things have gone with the house. I will get paid off in the end though. I would really like to say some things to her regarding how it's been taken care of. Would most of you just deal with it and move along with it just like everything else? Or would you regret not having said anything? I know there is no right or wrong answer, I am just curious. I can see a time in the future when her and I could be friends. But is it better to settle something like this, and deal with some immediate conflict so it's not a nagging thing? These are the types of matters I am having a tougher time movie on moving on with. I know it's all. Just opinion and advice, but I appreciate the dialogue.


When I had my divorce after 27 years, I tried to cut off ties as quick as I can. I moved out of the house even if I was still paying for everything in the house. That lasted 6 months. The only time we saw each other was in court. Other than that I avoided her as much as I can. That for me was the easiest way of doing it. There was no more communication once we had the divorce proceedings started. Mind you there was not a lot of communication going on, which was one of the reasons we broke up. My advice is to move on. Start doing things you haven't been able to do when you were with her. Hang out with friends, meet people, sometimes having no commitment to anyone gives you an opportunity to look at life in a different perspective. 

Good luck.


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## torndownunit (May 14, 2006)

The thing is, for once in my advice I kind of want to be the dick-head. And while it's hard to believe, it's strictly because of the house right now. I got over most of the emotional stuff with the relationship pretty quickly just for the simple reason that I don't like how it ended, so it makes it easy to get over her.

But... I worked my whole life to this point for that house. We got it as a team, but the decision what was done with it (the buyout) was not made as a team. I really just want to refuse to sign any papers that take my name off the mortgage. It's the one thing I am not happy 'taking the high road' with. I put slightly more money down on the down payment, and that was a key reason we got the mortgage. At this point I am actually just wanting to say "I want to sell it and I don't care if we take a loss" even though he paperwork has been started on the 'buyout'. For once in my life I'd like to standup, be a bit selfish, and say 'We both bought that house, and if I am not living in it neither of us are'.

So, just angry behaviour, or is some of it valid?


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## deadear (Nov 24, 2011)

Houses around Hamilton have gone up 7% per year on average. If your name is on the deed it does not matter a rats butt who has been paying the most in and who has the better job etc . It is a joint ownership. Let her float it on her own untill it sells, sit back and count your money.
Love is one thing money is another.


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## Lincoln (Jun 2, 2008)

Have you talked to a lawyer?

my son bought a house with girl, they split, she left, he stayed in the house. It was pretty well 50/50 at the down payment stage. She got a lawyer and dragged the thing out for about 3 years. Ended up forcing a sale of the house and she walked away with more like 75/25 in the end. and he did it just to get it over with so he could get on with his life. Why settle for what you put into it? Women go for more than their share all the time.


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## Ship of fools (Nov 17, 2007)

Wow what a bunch of jaded guys, but getting back to the point Torn you really do need to seek legal advice. Even if she wants to buy you out you need to have the bank approve that you before you can be removed from the mortgage as it took both incomes to approve the financing in the first place. So I am sure your lawyer would suggest a sale over letting her try to refinance. I am sure her income would not be able to sustain any long term mortgage payments and she may be able to come after you for some period of time claiming you walked out on her and left her with a large payment that she could not afford.
So lawyer up for peace of mind and forget about being revengeful you never come out of that feeling good about yourself.ship


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## Steadfastly (Nov 14, 2008)

Ship of fools said:


> So lawyer up for peace of mind and _*forget about being revengeful you never come out of that feeling good about yourself*_.ship


That is excellent advice from Ship. You should really listen to this piece of advice. You will do yourself more harm by nursing a revengeful attitude.


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## torndownunit (May 14, 2006)

Ship of fools said:


> Wow what a bunch of jaded guys, but getting back to the point Torn you really do need to seek legal advice. Even if she wants to buy you out you need to have the bank approve that you before you can be removed from the mortgage as it took both incomes to approve the financing in the first place. So I am sure your lawyer would suggest a sale over letting her try to refinance. I am sure her income would not be able to sustain any long term mortgage payments and she may be able to come after you for some period of time claiming you walked out on her and left her with a large payment that she could not afford.
> So lawyer up for peace of mind and forget about being revengeful you never come out of that feeling good about yourself.ship



Everything as far as the buyout/transfer was approved by the mortgage companies etc. Nothing has been signed. I can get into pretty vague details, but she had to get family to co-sign to allow that. And money given to her to facilitate a buyout.

My question would be, is thinking that neither one of us should have the house and that it should be put up for sale make me vengeful? Having bought it as partners, I just think neither one of us should be in it. Being that it was purchased pretty much 50/50 with the financing, it should end the same. I see that as fair, but my vision isn't the best on this. As a partner in buying it, I want to see it sold.

I would have been ok with the buyout deal to wash my hands of things and move on. But, I wasn't given accurate information relating to the costs of the home sale, mortgage fees etc. (how hard it would have been to sell basically) And now I am for the first time kind of angry.


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## shoretyus (Jan 6, 2007)

In the end ..does the house matter that much?....don't sign if your not happy get legal advice.... but look at the basic facts with out emotion to determine what's best for you. Sounds like it should be a 50/50 split in the end...don't worry about her financing 

http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f11/



torndownunit said:


> Everything as far as the buyout/transfer was approved by the mortgage companies etc. Nothing has been signed. I can get into pretty vague details, but she had to get family to co-sign to allow that. And money given to her to facilitate a buyout.
> 
> My question would be, is thinking that neither one of us should have the house and that it should be put up for sale make me vengeful? Having bought it as partners, I just think neither one of us should be in it. Being that it was purchased pretty much 50/50 with the financing, it should end the same. I see that as fair, but my vision isn't the best on this. As a partner in buying it, I want to see it sold.
> 
> I would have been ok with the buyout deal to wash my hands of things and move on. But, I wasn't given accurate information relating to the costs of the home sale, mortgage fees etc. (how hard it would have been to sell basically) And now I am for the first time kind of angry.


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## Shark (Jun 10, 2010)

torndownunit said:


> So, just angry behaviour, or is some of it valid?


When you lose control of something in your life it's natural to feel like doing something that aggressively regains you some sense of feeling of control. But it's not usually a good long-term plan. 

I do suggest you see a lawyer, though. If she sees one and you don't you'll possibly get hosed, badly.


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## torndownunit (May 14, 2006)

Thanks for the input guys. I just accepted the buy out offer. I was back to having panic attacks over the stress. So I gotta move on with this stuff or I won't get healthy. I am not happy about the house solution, but I gotta remember things could be worse. We could be in a legal battle, have kids involved, or hate each other. None of that is the case.


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## Steadfastly (Nov 14, 2008)

torndownunit said:


> Thanks for the input guys. I just accepted the buy out offer. I was back to having panic attacks over the stress. So I gotta move on with this stuff or I won't get healthy. I am not happy about the house solution, but I gotta remember things could be worse. We could be in a legal battle, have kids involved, or hate each other. None of that is the case.


I think you made the right choice. Stress is a killer, so getting rid of it or a major cause is a step in the right direction.


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## Gixster (Aug 30, 2013)

Lots & lots of single girls out there. When the time is right she will come into your life. Hang in there.


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## fraser (Feb 24, 2007)

your a good dude tdu- 
if it helps you any im watching my ex sleep right now.
cute.
i love her dearly.
when she wakes up she will take all my money, make me cry,
and by the time she dissapears i will be on the sidewalk threatening somebody with a sharp object.
you get used to it.

as an aside, im working on a concept album.


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## mrmatt1972 (Apr 3, 2008)

I'm sorry this has happened, I can't imagine being in a relationship that ends in a non mutual way. Frankly, I can't really imagine being in a relationship that ends, having been married for 18 years now! That said, from your posts we can all see you're a decent, stand up guy, and things will ultimately be OK. Losing a relationship, a home etc. are major stressors, if you are experiencing anxiety and/or depression don't be too proud or ashamed to seek professional counselling. Take care of yourself physically too. My thoughts are with you GC brother.


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## torndownunit (May 14, 2006)

Latest update, I got t-boned at an intersection on Friday night. When it rains, it really does pour.


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## Shark (Jun 10, 2010)

Are you okay?


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## Steadfastly (Nov 14, 2008)

torndownunit said:


> Latest update, I got t-boned at an intersection on Friday night. When it rains, it really does pour.


Those are one of the worst types of accidents. Glad you're well enough to still post. And how are you feeling? You must at least be a little sore.


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## Milkman (Feb 2, 2006)

I have nothing wise or philosophical to say.

I sincerely hope you're ok.

Keep us posted.


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## sulphur (Jun 2, 2011)

Wow, you're really having a hard go, I hope that everyone is all right.


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## allthumbs56 (Jul 24, 2006)

Been married and divorced twice. Both times I hung around nice as pie trying to "win her back" and both times I was made a fool of. Both times houses were involved. Best advice I can give to you is that there are about 2 billion woman in the world, and almost as many houses - there's only one of you chum and you have a finite amount of time to live. Button it up, fix what you can and accept what you can't. There will be another house .............. and another woman if you want her and you will be happier.


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## torndownunit (May 14, 2006)

Steadfastly said:


> Those are one of the worst types of accidents. Glad you're well enough to still post. And how are you feeling? You must at least be a little sore.


I came through it pretty unscathed other than being sore thanks. Car is another matter.


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