# Comic Relief



## Big_Daddy (Apr 2, 2009)

I started a thread like this on a car forum I belong to and it's been a great repository of jokes and funny stories. We all need a good laugh now and again ("Laughter is the best medicine").... and what musician hasn't had to ad-lib with a good joke while he's changing a broken G-string or the drummer is looking for his last drum-stick that just went flying off into a corner? 

I'll start it off with an "old" joke (coz I am rapidly approaching old fart territory)..........

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have
to answer in front of a room full of strangers. Sometimes it is very
embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who
insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other
patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way
this old guy handled it..

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk....

The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for
today??"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. 

The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied, "Well, now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. 
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out,
waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!


Edit: Oops! My bad. I see Greco has "A bit of humour..." thread going already. Maybe an admin can merge these into one thread.


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## greco (Jul 15, 2007)

Thanks...I needed a good laugh to start the day....and I'm still smiling 

Great joke...:bow:

Cheers

Dave


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## Hamstrung (Sep 21, 2007)

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to
the Veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he
cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to
keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair"
hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the druggist tells her: "If you're going to use this
under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave
for a couple of days." The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs
either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."


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## Big_Daddy (Apr 2, 2009)

For all of us who are married, were married, wish we were married, or
wish we weren't married, here is something to smile about the next
time you open a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in northern
Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of
the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car
and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent
nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk
with the woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every detail, until she noticed a brown
bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine.
I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."


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## david henman (Feb 3, 2006)

...my daughter left two leafs tickets on the passenger seat of her car last night.

she called me this morning to tell me that some bastard broke into her car and left two more.


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## david henman (Feb 3, 2006)

Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. 

He immediately calls ambulance....

Paddy : ''It's my wife! 

I've accidentally shot her, 

I've killed her!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir, 

can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*click* *BANG! *

Paddy : ''Okay, done that. 

What next?''


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## david henman (Feb 3, 2006)

Dave was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?"
Silence...there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit. 
He waited a few minutes and then asked him again,
"How about going to the bar and having a beer with me?"
Again, there was no answer,
Nothing but silence came from his new friend and pet.
So, he waited a few more minutes, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time. 
This time, putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a beer with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f*cking shoes on!"


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## Big_Daddy (Apr 2, 2009)

Good one!


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## greco (Jul 15, 2007)

Two friends are sitting in the pub having a beer.

Frank says "My brother is costing me a frigging fortune"
Joe replies "How can that be, your brother passed away 10 years ago"
Frank responds "Yes, but I buried him in a rented suit"

Dave


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## Rugburn (Jan 14, 2009)

A priest who runs a Sunday school decides to buy a pet parrot for his classroom. He visits the local pet store and is shocked at how expensive they are. The pet shop owner offers him a deal on a parrot that he describes as "a real talker". Happy with the deal he brings the bird to his church and makes him a new home in the Sunday school classroom. 

The first Sunday class with his new addition has the priest beaming. It's been a hot summer and some of the classes have been trying in the stifling heat. The bird is sure to take the stuffy conditions off the minds of everyone. In the middle of the priest's lesson as loud as bullhorn the bird screeches "Man, it's #$&@ing hot in here". Predictably the children are in hysterics, but the priest is incensed. The bird continues at top volume repeating this phrase causing the priest to cancel the class.

Furious, the priest returns to the pet shop and explains the incident to the clerk. The clerk then instructs him to cover the birds head with a sock and gently, but firmly, swing the bird by his feet. The following Sunday the bird starts up again cursing at the top of his lungs. The priest siezes the bird, slips the sock on his head and proceeds to swing him around and around by his feet. After a few seconds as clear as day the bird squawks " Oh yeah baby, feel that goddamn breeze!".


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## greco (Jul 15, 2007)

These are great...:bow:

Wish this could be sticky...hint, hint.

I haven't laughed so much in one morning for a long time...many thanks to all.

Cheers

Dave


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## Andy (Sep 23, 2007)

A 75-year-old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow.

The next day, the old geezer returned to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this..... First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, with our arthritis, we still couldn't get the damn jar open."


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## Big_Daddy (Apr 2, 2009)

*Hollywood Squares*:

These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..


Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget. 

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING!


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## bagpipe (Sep 19, 2006)

Big_Daddy said:


> *Hollywood Squares*:
> 
> Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
> A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


I laughed so hard at this that I disturbed my cell mates! :smile:


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## mrmatt1972 (Apr 3, 2008)

So two dogs are at a vet's office in separate cages. The 1st dog says to the 2nd dog, "So what are you in for?" The 2nd dog says:

"Well, my owners are elderly, and they usually leave me alone, but their grandkids came over today. The brats wouldn't stop pulling my tail, sitting on me and dressing me in doll cloths, so I bit one of them! It wasn't the first time, so they're going to put me down."

The 1st dog says, "Gee, that's too bad."

The 2nd dog says, "so what are you in for?"

"Well," The 1st dog says, "my owner likes to have me in the bathroom while she takes her shower. Today she dropped her towel and bent over to pick it up. i liked what i saw, so i mounted her."

"Oh, you're dead for sure" says the 2nddog.

"No," says the 1st dog, " they said something about trimming my nails and fixing my breath."


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## Budda (May 29, 2007)

dog joke is dirty lol


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## bscott (Mar 3, 2008)

At a medical school there was a lecture on involuntary muscle contractions. The professor, knowing that it was not the most interesting of subjects, approached a woman in the first row and asked her "Do you know what your asshole is doing when you are having an orgasm??"
She replied - "Probably out moose hunting with his buddies".


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## Big_Daddy (Apr 2, 2009)

"And That's When The Fight Started.."


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on the TV?" I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started... 

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds". I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started... 

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started... 

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized that I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started... 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. 
My wife asked, 'Do you know her? ''Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since". ''My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started... 

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" 
I said, "Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started... 

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment. The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started.... 

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday. 
And then the fight started..... 


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible. My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ... 



I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started.... 

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....


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## Guest (Nov 18, 2009)

An old lady on a bus traveling across the US is having a 
hard time not smoking. At one rest stop, another lady
gets on, sits beside her, pulls out a cigarette and a condom.
The first lady watches as the second lights the cig and
slips it into the condom thereby holding the smoke.
"That's ingenious!" she proclaims. "What is that and where
can I get them?". "They're called condoms, you can get them
at any drug store". So..at the next rest stop, the first lady
gets off the bus and goes into the drug store and asks the
clerk for a pack of condoms. The clerk asks.."what size ma'am?"
To which she replies, "Give me something that will fit a camel".


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## cheezyridr (Jun 8, 2009)

there's a traveling salesman who knocks on the door of a huge farmhouse.
the farmer comes to the door and says "what kin i do for yeh?"
the salesman says "sir, it's not what you can do for me, it's what i can do for you. i have a machine right here that will make your whole life easier"
the farmer says "sonny, i like to do things the hard way"
the salesman replies "well, that's great! but let me tell you about my machine..."
the farmer stops him and says "son, i don't think you understand me. come on in here a spell"

so the salesman enters the house. the farmer points out the floor. "see this here floor?"
"yes" the salesman replies "it's beautiful"
the farmer says "it's all tounge and groove, milled, installed and polished by my own two hands. i done it the hard way"
well, the salesman says "that's really nice, but let me tell you about my machine..."
the farmer cuts him off again. have a look at the ceiling. it's all swingin' beams. ain't a single nail in it. i did it the hard way"
the salesman says "it's really very nice, but now, about my machine..."

just then the farmer's daughter comes down the stairs. she's the most beautiful creature the saleman has ever seen. he can't help but stare, speechless. the farmer notices, and says 
"ya see that?" gesturing to his daughter with his thumb,
"standin' up, in a canoe"


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## jimihendrix (Jun 27, 2009)

a female reporter was sent to cover a story about a native indian pow-wow...

she noticed a young indian brave with a single feather in his band and decided to break the ice by asking him about the origin of the headwear...

the brave went on to tell her that he wears one eagle feather because he's had one maiden...

he goes on to explain that a nearby brave has three feathers to signify that he has had three maidens...

just then...the reporter spots the chief wearing a fully plumed headress with perhaps a thousand feathers sewn into the band that stretches all the way to the ground...

she proceeds over to him to ask about his rather lengthy headress...

the chief goes on to explain that he's had sex with every woman in the tribe...

the reporter gasps..."my oh my...that's hostile...!!!"...

to which the chief replies..."horse style...doggie style...bunny style"...

"oh dear...!!!" screams the lady reporter...

the chief sternly answers..."no deer...hole too high...run too fast...!!!"


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## puckhead (Sep 8, 2008)

also yoinked from another site:
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You know you are too old to play gigs when...

1. It becomes more important to find a place on stage for your fan than your amp.
2. Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns out for a round of golf or Dolly Parton with no bosom.
3. All your fans leave by 9:30 p..m.
4. All you want from groupies is a foot massage and back rub.
5. You love taking the elevator because you can sing along with most of your set-list.
6. Instead of a fifth member, your band wants to spring for a roadie.
7. You lost the directions to the gig.
8. You need your glasses to see the amp settings.
9. You've thrown out your back jumping off the stage.
10. You feel like hell before the gig even starts.
11. The waitress is your daughter!
12. You stop the set because your ibuprofen fell behind the speakers.
13. Most of your crowd just sways in their seats.
14. You find your drink tokens from last month's gig in your guitar case.
15. You refuse to play without earplugs.
16. You ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 instead of 9:30.
17. You check the TV schedule before booking a gig.
18. Your gig stool has a back.
19. You're related to at least one member in the band.
20. You don't let anyone sit in.
21. You need a nap before the gig..
22. After the third set, you bug the club owner to let you quit early.
23. During the breaks, you now go to the van to lie down.
24. You prefer a music stand with a light.
25. You don't recover until Tuesday afternoon.
26. You hope the host's speech lasts forever
27. You buy amps considering their weight and not their tone or "cool" factor.
28. Feeling guilty looking at hot women at the audience, 'cause they're younger than your daughter.
29. You can remember seven different club names for the same location.
30. You have a hazy memory of the days when you could work 10 gigs in 7 days and could physically do it!
31. Your date couldn't make it because she couldn't find a babysitter for the grandkids.
32. The set list has to be in 20 point type.
33. Your drug of choice is now coffee.
34. It seems impossible to find stage shoes with decent arch support.
35. You fart on stage and don't laugh.


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## Big_Daddy (Apr 2, 2009)

Priceless!!


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## shoretyus (Jan 6, 2007)

You know you are too old to play gigs when...




Too much truth to be funny....look at some of the recent threads.


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## Jim DaddyO (Mar 20, 2009)

A First Nations man was standing on the corner. Every time a pretty woman walked by, he nooded to her and said "some". An observer, being curious, went up to him and asked " Why are you saying "some"? I always thought Indians said How"...to which the reply was "me know how, me want some"


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## Big_Daddy (Apr 2, 2009)

How can you tell when the stage is level?







The drummer drools out of BOTH sides of his mouth.


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## puckhead (Sep 8, 2008)

An up-and-coming band is playing at a club date, and just killing it. Crowd loves it, there are major label guys in the audience who are digging it as well

The singer thinks "Wow, there are so many hot women here. I'm going to get so much tail out of this."
The guitarist thinks "We are putting on a great show, and I recognize some of those label guys. We are going to get signed and become rich and famous. this is THE moment"
The drummer thinks "With all these label people, I am going to get all kinds of endorsement deals so I can finally build the perfect kit."
The bass player thinks "G...D...G...C. "


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## cheezyridr (Jun 8, 2009)

now _that_ was funny


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## Big_Daddy (Apr 2, 2009)

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.


Naturally the doctor asked him, 'What happened to you?'


'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.'


We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'


'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it – stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.' 

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey Honey, this looks like yours!'

'I don't remember much after that."


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## droptop88 (Aug 25, 2006)

an oldie but a goodie.....

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travelled up to Alaska , spotted a small brown bear and shot it.



Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."



After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.



He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. 



Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."



Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.



Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. 

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.



He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.



The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"


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## SteveS (Apr 25, 2006)

What is it that you would most like to hear someone say about you at your funeral.










"Hey look, he's moving"!!


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## cheezyridr (Jun 8, 2009)

SteveS said:


> What is it that you would most like to hear someone say about you at your funeral.


that would make a great topic for an entirely separate thread :wave:


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## Big_Daddy (Apr 2, 2009)

Paul and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon - so they go back to Paul's Mom and Dad's house
for their first night together. 
In the morning, Johnny - Paul l's little brother - gets up and has his breakfast. 
As he is going out of the door to go to school - he asks his mom if Paul and Mary are up yet. 
She replies - No. 
Johnny asks - Do you know what I think ?
His mom replies - I don't want to hear what you think ! Just go to school.
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom - Are Paul and Mary up yet ?

She replies - No.
Johnny says - Do you know what I think ? 
His mom replies - Never mind what you think ! Eat your lunch and go back to school ..
After school - Johnny comes home and asks again - Are Paul and Mary up yet ?
His mom says - No. 
He asks - Do you know what I think ? 
His mom replies - Ok - now tell me what you think
He says - Last night Paul came to my room for the Vaseline and I think.....I gave him my airplane glue.


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## mhammer (Nov 30, 2007)

:smile:

rim-shot please!

There was an ancient episode of the Dick Van **** show where Little Richie asks Laura Petrie (Mary Tyler Moore) what "sex" is? She gets all flustered and embarrassed in that way of hers, and embarks on a very uncomfortable and clumsy narrative about "When a man and a woman fall in love and get married...". After floundering in several attempts to spit it out, she asks him why he wants to know. Whereupon he says that there is a school form he has to fill out, and after "name" it says "sex".


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## bluesmostly (Feb 10, 2006)

avid golfers joke:

A guy is golfing with his ususal group on saturday when he pauses on the fairway and bows his head as a funeral processions drives by on the road next to the golf course. 

his buddies comment, "hey, john, you are being pretty reverant" to which he replies: "well, we were married for 40 years... "


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## puckhead (Sep 8, 2008)

some topical humour:



What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?


Santa stops after three ho's.


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## al3d (Oct 3, 2007)

puckhead said:


> some topical humour:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Ahahaha......love it


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## Budda (May 29, 2007)

the picture for it is better!










If you like nintendo games, click the link http://photos-e.ak.fbcdn.net/hphoto..._230404276130_508176130_4677415_8252381_n.jpg


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## Sneaky (Feb 14, 2006)

Things that can go wrong at a gig 
By Tuck Andress

Borrowed guitar, different string spacing, bridge or nut sliding during string bending or vibrato, wrong strap length or strap breaking during solo, unwound guitar string used as backup strap gradually cutting through shirt and shoulder, sleeve snagging on bridge suddenly locking up hand, wrong pick, dropped pick, broken pick, no pick, pick stuck between strings, finger caught between strings, wrong strings, dead strings, sticky strings, blood on strings, broken strings, no extra strings, jar of honey spilled all over strings, vintage L-5's gig bag shoulder strap breaking immediately before album release concert for 5,000 people causing guitar to fall on concrete and creating crack from tailpiece to neck which gradually splits apart during performance with action getting higher and higher, amp too far away, amp too close, amp broken so play through bass amp or P.A., tone all wrong, overdrive bypass switch broken, cymbal in ear, band too loud, audience too loud, band downstairs too loud, bad monitors, no monitors, in-ear monitors broken so Patti is heard acoustically but Tuck is heard only through house PA 50 yards away resulting in Tuck being unavoidably out of sync with Patti by 1/6 second for whole show, guitar buzz, RF from nearby transmitter louder than the music itself, brownouts making organ pitch fluctuate randomly over an octave range, power outage, equipment plugged into 230 volts immediately before show, earthquake during show in high-rise, outdoor desert performance at 131 degrees with sand-blasting winds, sub-freezing outdoor mountaintop performance with snow storms and 40 mph winds, high altitude dizziness, no sleep, no food, too much food, wrong food, food poisoning, fever, locked bathrooms, way too many liquids before long show, nagging suspicion that zipper is down, contact lens falling out during moment of peak concentration, compromised hand position due to repeatedly sliding full width of stage while trying to keep playing but not collide with Patti on yacht in rough Finnish Gulf of Bothnia, charts blown away by wind, charts on thermal fax paper, charts in wrong key, charts without bar lines, charts with bar lines all displaced by two beats, charts in bass clef or C clef, chord charts with do/re/mi instead of C/D/E and everything else in Portuguese, realization that Miles Davis, Dizzy Gillespie, Joe Pass, George Benson, Chaka Khan, Bobby McFerrin or Steve Gadd just walked in, drunks falling on stage, drunks disrobing on stage, drunks grabbing instruments or band members, band members falling asleep during song, pigs frolicking in sawdust-covered frat house knocking over band equipment, thinly veiled animosity between bride's and groom's families erupting into violence during heartfelt version of My Romance, nightly juggling of playing and operating the lighting console/footswitches and talking to audience members and trying to reign in tempos and egos of various fellow top-40 band members, arrival at duo gig with unbelievably loud, aggressive fuzz-wah hard rock bass player to discover that assignment is to back up elderly white-haired and white-suited gentleman singing unfamiliar country songs to unforgiving patrons, crowded upscale happy hour dance floor unraveling into pandemonium as normal-looking customers all collapse to the floor and writhe around on each other while astonished saxophone-playing duo partner walks out leaving helpless solo guitarist playing The Hustle for 25 minutes, funk bass player imprisoned in lounge band insisting on popping strings throughout sensitive ballads, accidental imprisonment of Patti in wine cellar out of earshot during guitar instrumentals, onstage and on-instrument living creatures with varying numbers of legs, belligerent drunken bowling alley lounge customer demanding that funk band play Debussy's Clair de Lune while remainder of band looks expectantly at guitarist, drummer watching ball game on portable TV with headphones throughout performance, guest singer repeatedly changing keys at random moments, realization that the people who have just boldly picked up instruments and are unexpectedly sitting in are Herbie Hancock and Wah Wah Watson, guns drawn at rehearsals to settle disputes about form of song, marginally famous singer resorting to the dreaded "Do you know who I am" line, drummer and delusional would-be front man jumping off the drums in the middle of a song and mistakenly chanting "we don't need no drummer to keep that funky beat" to a dance floor packed with suddenly hostile former dancers, unstable band member deciding that it is his responsibility to educate the audience over the microphone, bass player playing random notes and rhythms because he is not a bass player at all but nonetheless booked the gig, drummer announcing that he killed somebody just before the show, swimming pool party turning into orgy with splashing on inexperienced solo electric guitarist sitting beside pool doing his first solo gig and fielding endless requests for the same song he had just played yet again, bride's and groom's special song evaporating from mortified solo musician's mind at the crucial moment, band member disappearing suddenly when his chair falls backwards off riser, unstable enormous man peaking on LSD brandishing artificial limb removed from his companion at audience and threatening band to "sing with this", mirrors on back wall of club causing introspective young guitarist to question meaning of his life at early stage in career.


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## puckhead (Sep 8, 2008)




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## tapestrymusic (Mar 10, 2009)

*Wedding Band Requests*

Got this from a buddy... 

Dear Bandleader:

We look forward to your performance at our daughter's wedding. If you don't mind, we would like to request a few of our favorite songs.

Please play these during the reception:

A Keith Jarrett composition from his solo series. Please arrange it for full ensemble in the key of B but nothing in 4/4 please.

Mahavishnu Orchestra, "Dance of the Maya" and please have the guitarist play John Mclaughlin's solo from the live performance Nov. 16, 1972 at Chrysler Arena. My wife and I were at that show and we liked his use of polyrhythms.

One of John Coltrane's duets with Pharaoh Sanders. Our guests love high register tenor saxes.

We thought a little Stravinsky right after the toast would be nice. So please play "The Rite of Spring." We like a tempo of about 1/4 note = 93 and transpose it down 3 half-steps - it will be so much more appropriate for this occasion in the slightly lower register.

Then for the candle lighting ceremony, please play Frank Zappa's "The Grand Wazoo." The original key of B flat, would be fine but my cousin Jeannie would like to sing the baritone sax solo in the key of D--she has kind of a high voice.

When my new son-in-law takes off the garter, please just a little of Varese's "Ionization." It's such a funny piece, we think it would go over real well. Much better than "The Stripper."

And for the bride & groom's first dance, please slow things down a bit by doing Barber's "Adagio For Strings." It's so much better than "We've Only Just Begun" or the "Anniversary Waltz."

When my wife and I join in the first dance, could you segue to Thelonius Monk's "Ruby, My Dear" - it's in honor of my wife's grandmother whose name was Ruby. It would mean so much to the family.

Thanks for all your help. Depending on the outcome we'll certainly be happy to recommend your band to our friends

We'll have your check for the fee of $250 (minus our expenses in contacting you of $12.50 ) by the end of next month: we're a little short as the young lady doing the balloon arch wanted her $1,850 in advance and the DJ had to be paid up front his $2,500 as normal.

Our daughter assured us that your love of music was greater than your need for money, and that you would welcome the exposure you would get from playing this wedding.

Before you leave, please feel free to ask the caterer for a snack sandwich and a soda (the bottles are returnable or you can pay the deposit to the butler).

Please use the back entrance to avoid disturbing the guests.

Sincerely yours,
Alice Rockefeller Gates


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## Big_Daddy (Apr 2, 2009)

Awesome.:smile:


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## fret15 (Feb 17, 2006)

Taken from an email I received from jazzguitar.be:

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry,
but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G
have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the
fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries
to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me.
I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender
is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.
Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the
bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found
in this bar tonight."

E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with
nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking
sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major
development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit
and everything else, and is au natural.

Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's
under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of
contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced
to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional
facility.



A little bit of music humor! :rockon2:


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## bluesmostly (Feb 10, 2006)

good ones guys! I esp like the music theory jokes, I don't get them,... :smile:


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## Jim DaddyO (Mar 20, 2009)

*E bay bid*

Does anyone know how to cancel and E-Bay bid? I Bid on "A Mickey Mouse Outfit" and ,in about 6 minutes, I'll own the Toronto Maple Leafs.


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## Spikezone (Feb 2, 2006)

A drunk walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender, noticing his heightened level of inebriation, tells him he's too drunk and asks him to leave. The drunk mumbles something gruffly and walks out the front door and around the corner, comes in the side door of the bar, stumbles up to the bar again, and asks for a beer.
The bartender says, "Look, I told you I can't serve you...you're too drunk". Once again, the drunk grumbles and staggers out the door, walks down the alley, and enters the bar once again thorough the back door. He stumbles up to the bartender and orders a beer. By now, the bartender has had it with the guy and says, "Look, buddy, I'm not telling you again! I can't serve you, you're too drunk! Now get out and STAY OUT!"
The drunk looks at him in confusion for a moment, then says, "How many bars do you work in, anyway?"

-Mikey


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## zontar (Oct 25, 2007)

fret15 said:


> Taken from an email I received from jazzguitar.be:
> 
> C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry,
> but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G
> ...


Quite clever--but there aren't a lot of people I can share this with...
Including many musicians I know!


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## Spikezone (Feb 2, 2006)

An old one, I think:

"Chen Lee"

A man suspecting his wife was seeing another man hired the world famous Chinese detective Chen Lee to watch his wife and report any suspicious events while he was away. A few days later the husband received this report in the mail:
____________________________________________________
Most honourable sir:

You leave house
I watch house
He come to house
I watch he and she leave house, I follow
He and she go to hotel
I climb tree
I look in window
He kiss she, she kiss he
He strip she, she strip he
He play with she, she play with he
I play with me, I fall off tree
I not see
So sollee
No fee
Chen Lee
____________________________________________________

-Mikey


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## Spikezone (Feb 2, 2006)

Sneaky said:


> Things that can go wrong at a gig
> By Tuck Andress


WOW, that is a BIG list! I had to read it in a few sittings, but it IS funny! Thanx!
-Mikey


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## david henman (Feb 3, 2006)

You Know You're A Real Musician When:

You realize that the cheers from the audience after a particularly difficult passage are for a sports play on the big screen TV over the bar, and that in fact, no one is listening to you.

When the gig you drove 200 miles for to make $100, and had to pay for a hotel room, is later referred to as your "summer tour".

When your most sincere, heartfelt comments are made by people that are drunk and who won't remember you in the morning.

When you are repeatedly told that the lead singer who can't read, never practices and has been singing for only six months is "The strongest part of the band", primarily because she has big tits.

When you are pleased that the pay for the gig, when looked at hourly from the time you leave your house to when you return meets minimum wage.

When someone comes up to you to tell you how much they love your playing, because they didn't think anyone played those things anymore.

You get to the gig to find out that nothing is comped, and you're charged $10 to park.

When someone seeks you out to complement your playing as the "best sax player they have ever heard", and you're the trumpet player.

When you realize that a small piece of equipment- such as a wireless mike you need- will take months of weekly gigs to pay for.

When you have to add $30 or $40 out of your pocket to find a sub, because no one will cover you for what you are paid.

You aren't offended when all of the young wedding guests leave after the second set to dance to the DJ at a club down the street.

When you are told that you must play until the very end of when you were contracted for, when your only audience is the bartender, and you're being paid 40 or 50 bucks for the night.

When the bandleader or club owner wants to pay you in food or drinks, and you have $100,000 in school loans to pay off for that music degree.

When the guy collecting money at the door for the band's performance makes twice over the course of the evening what you do as one of the band members.

When as a member of a blues band you no longer even pretend to smile when asked to play "Free Bird".

When you know that other musicians who routinely claim they don't work for less than $100 a night only work a few times a year.

When people who are drunk tell you that what you are doing is absolutely great and the best thing thing they have ever seen or heard, but refuse to pay more than $5 at the door.

When someone calling the cops for noise is a good thing. You get to go home early and you still get paid.

When you realize that asking women out that you meet on gigs doesn't work, for now they know you're a musician.

When you get invited to play the same gig the following year, which means that you don't have tear down after this year's gig.

When you have, for several years, been paid the same amount for a gig, but are afraid to say anything about it for fear that you might lose the gig.

When you spend more on the bar tab than you get paid for the gig.

When you finally have to resort to playing Proud Mary in order to get the audience dancing.


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## bluesmostly (Feb 10, 2006)

good ones Rugburn, but sadly, they are as painfully true as they are amusing...


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## bagpipe (Sep 19, 2006)

Is there a Tab version of this joke ?



fret15 said:


> Taken from an email I received from jazzguitar.be:
> 
> C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry,
> but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G
> ...


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## Duster (Dec 28, 2007)

Big_Daddy said:


> *Hollywood Squares*:
> 
> These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
> 
> ...


Reminds me of a classic list of Family Feud "speed round" questions I read once. I can only remember two of them:

Q: Name a dangerous race.
A: The arabs.

Q: Name something a blind person would use.
A: A sword.

--- D


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## Duster (Dec 28, 2007)

Ok, a real joke this time:

A guy goes to a job interview for a really nice government job.

The interviewer says: "Your resume is very impressive, you seem extremely well-qualified for this job, your experience is relevant, and your references are good. I really only have a couple of questions for you. Do you have any health issues that we should be aware of, that we will need to accommodate?."

The guy says: "Well, believe it or not, I'm allergic to coffee, of all things."

The interviewer says: "Oh, well that shouldn't really present a problem in your ability to do the job, so it's not a concern. But I notice that you got discharged from the military due to some kind of injury - anything we should know about?"

The guy says: "Well, I did a tour in Afghanistan, and I was hurt by a roadside bomb. Actually, it's a bit hard to talk about, but I actually lost my testicles in the blast. Fortunately, I made a full recovery and can live a normal life, but it did end my military career."

The interviewer says: "Wow, that is really unfortunate! You should be proud at having served your country so nobly, and it is a tragedy that you had to suffer like that. Still, it is great that you survived and can start a new life. The government loves to employ ex-servicemen.

Listen, I've heard all I need to hear. I think you're a great candidate, and I'd like you to start working with us immediately. I'd like you to start working at 10am, and we close the office at 4pm. Will that work for you?"

The guy says: "Yeah, that works, but when I applied, I was told this was a full time job, and I know that your office hours are 8am to 4pm. I'm applying for a full-time position, and I'd really like to work a full-time shift."

The interviewer says: "Suit yourself, you can start at 8am if you really want to. But to tell you the truth, between 8 and 10am all we do is drink coffee and scratch our balls."

--- D


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## Big_Daddy (Apr 2, 2009)

Why men should not write advice columns:

Dear John,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's' daughter!

I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counseling, and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila


Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure To the injectors.

I hope this helps,

John


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