# Chuck Norris Jokes :)



## Chitmo (Sep 2, 2013)

I've been dealing with angry, stupid or lazy people all week and need a laugh. Who's got some good Chuck Norris Jokes?


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## Guest (Apr 22, 2017)




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## jbealsmusic (Feb 12, 2014)




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## Guest (Apr 22, 2017)




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## cboutilier (Jan 12, 2016)

This a great. I grew up with a father that looked like Chuck, so I've heard many a joke over the years


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## cheezyridr (Jun 8, 2009)

he's the only guy who can slam a revolving door.
he's counted to infinity, twice
he can hear sign language
he's the reason waldo is hiding
he's the only guy who can punch a cyclops between the eye
he can make fire by rubbing 2 ice cubes together
he can do a wheelie on a unicycle


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## dmc69 (Jan 20, 2011)

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad.


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## Guest (Apr 22, 2017)




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## mhammer (Nov 30, 2007)

When Chuck Norris breaks wind, it stays broken.


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## Chitmo (Sep 2, 2013)




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## mhammer (Nov 30, 2007)

I'm not seeing any references to roundhouse kicks here. What the hell is wrong with you people?


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## cheezyridr (Jun 8, 2009)

laristotle said:


>


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## Chitmo (Sep 2, 2013)

mhammer said:


> I'm not seeing any references to roundhouse kicks here. What the hell is wrong with you people?


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## mhammer (Nov 30, 2007)

Thank you.


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## High/Deaf (Aug 19, 2009)

These are great! I got nuttin' to add but please, keep 'em coming.


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## jbealsmusic (Feb 12, 2014)

A couple of my favorites:
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Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number. You answered the wrong phone.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

When Chick Norris jumps into the water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris'd.

Sharks have a week dedicated to Chuck Norris.
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I was in college a decade ago when this was at its peak, so I could go all day. Lol.


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## mhammer (Nov 30, 2007)

Top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes & Facts


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## Chitmo (Sep 2, 2013)

mhammer said:


> Top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes & Facts


Never even read them before posting the link I bet


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## mhammer (Nov 30, 2007)

You're right and potentially wrong. When CN jokes hit their peak a few years back, we did a big family trip and brought along a book of "Chuck Norris facts". Quite likely that many of the ones in the top 100 list were in the book, that was read to me by cackling family members in the back seat. After the first 300 or so, they all start to sound like you've heard them before. That doesn't stop them from being funny, though.


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## CheopisIV (Jan 27, 2016)

Chuck Norris doesn't do pushups... he benchpresses the World.


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## Guest (Apr 24, 2017)




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## Scotty (Jan 30, 2013)




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## capnjim (Aug 19, 2011)

Here's one I actually made up myself.

Chuck Norris doesn't get sunburns, the sun gets Chuck burns.


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## Chitmo (Sep 2, 2013)




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## 10409 (Dec 11, 2011)

i'm really sick of all the stupid chuck norris BS floating around the internet. he was a horrible actor and barely an average martial artist.

if any of what i've been reading was true, just for typing this, he would show up behind me and slam my head into the keyboarnfkdlafr. fjdlksafjdsalkfa. fdsajfkjeoiean. hfleiwn cilwanef. inecalwcnelwsaitfrne. ncielantfrlekan. ncielanfr ea.


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## LanceT (Mar 7, 2014)

Chuck Norris does not use a nightlight because he is afraid of the dark, it is there because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.


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## High/Deaf (Aug 19, 2009)

mike_oxbig said:


> i'm really sick of all the stupid chuck norris BS floating around the internet. he was a horrible actor and barely an average martial artist.



Psssssst I think that's part of the joke......


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## amagras (Apr 22, 2015)

High/Deaf said:


> Psssssst I think that's part of the joke......


I think you missed the second part of the joke


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## High/Deaf (Aug 19, 2009)

amagras said:


> I think you missed the second part of the joke


Perhaps. I thought they were two unrelated thoughts, but I see how they could have been one continuous thought as well. I stick with what I said for the first sentence, none the less.


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## amagras (Apr 22, 2015)

Bump


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## Guest (Jul 14, 2019)




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## bzrkrage (Mar 20, 2011)




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## Electraglide (Jan 24, 2010)




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## Mooh (Mar 7, 2007)

Electraglide said:


>




Had to Google that.


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## Guest (Jul 26, 2019)




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## mhammer (Nov 30, 2007)

But can Norris do stand-up and improv like Neeson?


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## laristotle (Aug 29, 2019)




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## Chitmo (Sep 2, 2013)




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## laristotle (Aug 29, 2019)




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## Electraglide (Jan 24, 2010)




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## Verne (Dec 29, 2018)




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## laristotle (Aug 29, 2019)

_Corona Virus claims a black belt. Chuck Norris, Dead at 80.

Carlos Ray “Chuck” Norris, famous actor and fighter, died yesterday afternoon at his home in Northwood Hills, TX at the age of 80.

Chuck Starred in dozens of movies and Tv series which have, and continue to entertain millions of people.

He was also a master of martial arts, which was the cause of his initial fame in the movie industry.

However, after his minor inconvenience of death, Chuck has made a full recovery, and is reported to be doing quite well. 

It has also been reported that the Corona virus is in self isolation for 14 days due to being exposed to Chuck Norris._


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## laristotle (Aug 29, 2019)




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## Paul Running (Apr 12, 2020)




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