# Puns you really like



## mhammer

I suppose this could justifiably go under the "Random" thread. But I think it merits its own thread so that folks can compile them.

A good pun, a truly great pun, that can have multiple layers of meaning, is a wonderful thing. Here's two I rather like.

While in Edinburgh, recently, there is a gift shop on High Street (AKA The Royal Mile) called "Thistle Do Nicely".

I was perusing the recent uploaded concert listings on the Sugarmegs site, and came across a 2-person band called "Mister and Mississippi". I assume this is a married couple, but cute nonetheless.

Your turn.


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## knight_yyz

Pan blew it


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## Guest




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## Budda

My friend said he hates geography puns. Norway would I stoop Oslo as to make one.

I like all puns.


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## jdto

I heard a nasty rumour about butter, but I won't spread it.


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## BGood

The greatest: You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.


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## mhammer

A big part of this is absolutely 100% true, the pun just piggybacks on the opportunity it provides.

30 years ago, when we lived in Victoria, in an apartment near the intersection of Cook St. and Fort (if you know the neighbourhood), there were two corner stores just down the street from us. One was Wong's, which I frequented because I could get my guitar mags there. Directly across the street from it was another corner store called Whyte's. While the one had a newsstand and the other didn't, if you were strolling down the aisles with the canned goods and non-perishables, you couldn't tell Wong from Whyte.

Ten years prior, I was working in a neuroscience lab, studying brain-lesioned rats and hormones. The electrodes used to make the lesions would often leave a so-called "track" in the region where the damage had been done. We were collaborating with another lab. I would do the surgery, and ship the animals to them, and they would return the brains for us to slice and analyse. For reasons I never understood, they decided that somehow they could do the chemical analysis with half the brain and we would somehow be able to assess the extent of damage with the other half. The logic of this escaped me since such lesions were rarely perfectly symmetrical.

So far, a pretty boring set-up.

I'm looking at the slices under the microscope with my supervisor/prof and we see a track, but are stumped by what might have laid on the other side. I turned to her and declared: "I guess this rat had a one-track mind".

I believe that is what they used to call a "groaner" on the old CBC kid's show _Razzle Dazzle_.


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## jbealsmusic

I know the majority of folks in here probably don't listen to or appreciate rap music, but rap is the place to go if you want non-stop puns and pun-like metaphors rhyming into your ears.


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## Xelebes

Budda said:


> My friend said he hates geography puns. Norway would I stoop Oslo as to make one.
> 
> I like all puns.


That was a graph error. He's going to ait you forever.


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## Xelebes

jbealsmusic said:


> I know the majority of folks in here probably don't listen to or appreciate rap music, but rap is the place to go if you want non-stop puns and pun-like metaphors rhyming into your ears.


Peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time!


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## Lola

She's as fit as a fiddle! A metaphor or a similie. I really dk!


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## knight_yyz




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## butterknucket

I used to know a guy who was a really nice guy, but kind of dorky and always said really bad puns. He was known for his bad puns. 

He then married a _very_ attractive woman. 

Maybe we should all be saying lots of bad puns.


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## knight_yyz




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## zontar

They say puns are the lowest form of humour, but poetry is verse.


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## cboutilier

jbealsmusic said:


> I know the majority of folks in here probably don't listen to or appreciate rap music, but rap is the place to go if you want non-stop puns and pun-like metaphors rhyming into your ears.


I used to ghost write when I was in high school. The options for endless wordplay are quite fun. Very satisfying to write.


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## High/Deaf

A couple years ago, I was working with a guy name Art. We had a router that would not achieve a consistent connection on one of it's e-net ports. Finally, Art took out the cable, cut off the end, and reterm'd it with a new connector. He plugged it in and finally, the Link light stayed on. To which I dubbed my partner 'Art Link-lighter'.


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## Farmboyjo

I've got twin brothers that are quite a bit younger than me... One Sunday when they were still babies, we were all at church. Afterward an old bitty came and asked "How do you tell them apart?", and my Dad said "By their balls." She got her face so screwed up and was ready to damn my Dad to hell, when he said...
...
"This one bawls all day, and that one bawls all night."


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## Farmboyjo

Not sure if this is a pun or not... But one evening when I was trying to impress the ladies, I told them I 'Had a penis like a baby.'
...
8 pounds, 19 inches.


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## zontar

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta way. We cannelloni do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Sending olive my prayers to the family. His wife is really upset. Cheese still not over it.


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## sambonee

What's better :
Roses on your piano 
Or 
Tulips on your organ?


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## [email protected]

Firefighter has twins, names one Jose and the other hose B


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## ed2000

I'm so proud of my Son, a future astronaut. His teacher says he's the only one taking up space in the classroom.


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## oldfartatplay

Man goes into bookstore and asks the clerk, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
Clerk: "I don't think it's in yet."
Man: "That's the one. I'll take a copy."
>
>
Emmanuel Kant but Kublai Khan.


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## High/Deaf

"I have a Russian roadie and a Czech one, too."


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## mhammer

I'm glad I started this thread, but dear lord my cheek muscles are hurting!


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## dodgechargerfan

mhammer said:


> 30 years ago, when we lived in Victoria, in an apartment near the intersection of Cook St. and Fort (if you know the neighbourhood), there were two corner stores just down the street from us. One was Wong's, which I frequented because I could get my guitar mags there. Directly across the street from it was another corner store called Whyte's. While the one had a newsstand and the other didn't, if you were strolling down the aisles with the canned goods and non-perishables, you couldn't tell Wong from Whyte.


*fabrication from imagination*

Wong was envious of a Whyte's success and hatched a plot to buy Whyte's store.
Whyte refused any and all offers from Wong.
Wong enlisted the help of his sister, who had married and thus had a different surname.
She managed to convince Whyte to sell and when the transaction was complete, Wong sprung the news on Whyte and had a good laugh.

Soon, it was evident that Wong and his sister couldn't manage both stores. It stressed the sister's marriage and she divorced. The husband insisted that she revert to her maiden name to preserve his honour to some extent. She complied.
Wong and his sister decided that they should just consolidate the businesses and they moved everything into Whyte's store, which still,bore his name.

Still, managing the business was still a great challenge for some reason. They decided to ask around the neighbourhood and found that Whyte's drew people to shop but some just settled for Wong's instead of crossing the busy street or liked the newsstand at Wong's. With Whyte gone, people looked elsewhere. It is an odd phenomenon, but it was reality in this case.

Wong still didn't understand. They combined the best of both stores. 
The attraction should be the same and their operating costs halved.

Finally, a neighbour put it in terms that were easily understood. He grabbed Wong by the shoulders, looked him straight in the eye and said, "You're very nice people, but two Wong's don't make a Whyte."


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## Guest

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. 
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced 
that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous, "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man, "Observe!"

He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he 
had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they 
had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

(but wait, there's more...) 

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued 
his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. 
I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at 
his chest and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, 
"but he's a dead ringer for his brother.


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## dodgechargerfan

Billy finally asks Suzie to go to the prom with him after waiting and sweating it out until the week before prom night.

Suzie says, "Yes."

Billy freaks and realizes that he's got less than a week to get his shit together.

He asks his Dad for advice and his Dad says, "Son. you need a tuxedo, a corsage, a haircut, and if you want to make a good impression, a limousine. With only a week left, you're screwed. Tell ya what though. If you can pull it off, I'll help with the costs."

Emboldened, Billy sits down and figures out a plan. After a few iterations of deciding in which order he'd deal with the preparations he starts to make calls. Every one he calls is too busy to answer the phone. So, he decides that his only option to visit each business in person. Monday is pretty much done. So, he decides to start bright and early on Tuesday

On Tuesday, he goes to the menswear store and there's a long tuxedo line. 

To his dismay, the line was for final fittings because all of the guys in front of him had their act together and ordered their tux weeks ago. He thinks he's been shot down right out of the gate, but luckily he got a tux and didn't really need any tailoring beyond getting the pants hemmed and they could do that in a couple of days no problem. He scheduled pickup on Friday. So, he was all set for a tux. Check one off the list!

On Wednesday, he goes to the barber shop and there is a long haircut line.

He waits and waits and waits. Finally, he gets his hair cut by the best barber in the shop and he looks stylin'! It will grow in just a bit by prom night and he'll look even better. 

On Thursday, he goes to the limo service and there is along limo line.

People are checking out the limos and choosing the one they want as they had all reserved well in advance. He freaks out because he assumes there will be nothing left. He waits and as luck would have it, they have a brand new Town Car that just came in to service. Since it was just going to be him and Suzie, there was no need for a stretch limo anyway. Billy was stoked!!

On Friday, Billy goes back to the menswear store to pick up his tuxedo. It fits perfectly. Super stoked! His plan was coming together.

He then goes to the flower shop to get a corsage for Suzie and there is a long corsage line.

Billy waits and gets a nice corsage for Suzie and boutonniere for his tux. Stunned that everything finally came together, Billy breathes a sigh of relief.

He gets home at around dinner time on Friday and tells his Dad, "I did it! It's all sorted out and I'm ready to go for Saturday night. And I've got tonight and tomorrow to relax and get ready for the prom."

His Dad is proud of what he's done. Glad to see his son take on such a series of challenges and execute so well. Dad covers the entire cost and gives Billy some pocket money for Saturday night.

The big night arrives and the limo picks up Billy first and then drives him over to Suzie's house.
Billy meets Suzie's parents and they love him. Everyone is warm and friendly. They take pictures and Billy and Suzie put the flowers on each other and get a nice send off.

The limo driver takes them to the prom and the most exciting evening of their young lives begins.

Billy and Suzie have dinner with a group of kids that they would normally consider out of their league. Everyone hits it off and new friendships are made. Billy and Suzie are winning at life!

Dinner ends and dancing begins. Billy and Suzie find that they are natural dance partners. Each feeling the rhythm of the song and intuitively knowing how each other is going to move. They wow the crowd with their grace and groove.

After a few dances, Suzie says, "I'm thirsty. Would you get me some punch, please?"

Parched himself, Billy agrees and heads off to the table where the punch bowl is located and....



















there is no punch line.


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## High/Deaf

laristotle said:


> After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed.
> The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
> 
> After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced
> that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous, "You have no arms!"
> 
> "No matter," said the man, "Observe!"
> 
> He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he
> had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.
> 
> Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
> 
> The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they
> had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
> 
> "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
> 
> ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
> 
> (but wait, there's more...)
> 
> The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued
> his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame.
> 
> The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.
> I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
> 
> The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at
> his chest and died on the spot.
> 
> Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,rushed up the stairs to his side.
> 
> "What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop,
> "but he's a dead ringer for his brother.


LOL

Bonus points for using 'campanologist' in a sentence.


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## zontar

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.


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## Steadfastly

I Googled lighters and all I came up with were 13,749 matches.


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## butterknucket




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## ed2000

Buddy can't get his AM-FM radio to go loud. Told him to set it to AC-DC.

Why did the Chevy mistakenly drive off the cliff..didn't see the Saturn.

EDIT: Just repeating what I've heard.


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## BGood




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## BGood

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

How does Moses make his tea ? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first ? Because they had reservations.

Energizer bunny arrested: charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first, then it grew on me.

How do you make Holy Water ? You boil the hell out of it.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Broken pencils are pointless.


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## zontar

BGood said:


> I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
> 
> When chemists die, they barium.
> 
> Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
> 
> A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
> 
> How does Moses make his tea ? Hebrews it.
> 
> I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
> 
> I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
> 
> They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type O.
> 
> A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
> 
> PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
> 
> Why were the Indians here first ? Because they had reservations.
> 
> Energizer bunny arrested: charged with battery.
> 
> I didn't like my beard at first, then it grew on me.
> 
> How do you make Holy Water ? You boil the hell out of it.
> 
> When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
> 
> I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
> 
> Broken pencils are pointless.


I was going to post some of those--but still they amuse me--so good on you for that.

So remember--Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana


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## zontar

Being a Vegan means a missed steak.


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## BGood

zontar said:


> Being a Vegan means a missed steak.


What do you call a vegetarian ?
Bad hunter.


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## High/Deaf

zontar said:


> I was going to post some of those--but still they amuse me--so good on you for that.
> 
> So remember--Time flies like a banana, fruit flies like a banana


Ummmm, errrrrrr, ummmmmm .........

you're first 










should be an


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## Guest

Blazing heat causes dough to grow in truck, spill onto highway

“When you think you've seen it all ... dough!”

“Anything to keep the situation from rising out of control,”

“Seriously dough, I hope this is the yeast of your worries this weekend,”


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## High/Deaf




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## Guest




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## Jim DaddyO

I was kidnapped by a pack of mimes.



They performed unspeakable acts on me.


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## zontar

High/Deaf said:


> Ummmm, errrrrrr, ummmmmm .........
> 
> you're first
> 
> View attachment 107969
> 
> 
> should be an


Yes, I think I was tired that day--I fixed it.
Thanks for the meme-ories...


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## butterknucket




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## zontar

There's no point in telling puns to kleptomaniacs, they take things, literally


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## Guest




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## Farmboyjo

butterknucket said:


>


How do I buy one of these?! I don't usually wear offensive clothing, but this one is so cute who could be offended...


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## butterknucket

Farmboyjo said:


> How do I buy one of these?! I don't usually wear offensive clothing, but this one is so cute who could be offended...


I have no idea. 

I actually saw someone wearing one yesterday so I googled it.


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## butterknucket

laristotle said:


>


That's the smartest thing I've read in years.


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## zontar

laristotle said:


>


Funny--even if it really isn't a pun...


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## High/Deaf

Life is a shit sandwich. The more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat.


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## butterknucket




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## zontar

For a great book on puns check out--Get Thee to Punnery by Richard Lederer


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## Guest




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## Jim DaddyO




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## butterknucket

If your cup is only half full, you probably need a new bra.


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## zontar

The coin collectors got together for old dimes' sake.


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## dodgechargerfan




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## zontar

Archaeologists excavating a pyramid in Egypt found a mummy covered in chocolate & hazelnuts.

They believe it to be Pharaoh Rocher


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## amagras

zontar said:


> Archaeologists excavating a pyramid in Egypt found a mummy covered in chocolate & hazelnuts.
> 
> They believe it to be Pharaoh Rocher


I don't care what are your sources but I don't buy this at all... too many calories!


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## Guest




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## zontar

I wasn't sure about no shaving & having a beard--but then it grew on me...


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## butterknucket




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## Guest

You know what's odd?
Every other number.


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## butterknucket

I think we've officially veered into grandpa jokes.


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## butterknucket




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## butterknucket




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## butterknucket




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## keto

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.


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## mhammer

You know, there is crowdsourcing that is just dumb and not likely to amount to anything. And then there is crowdsourcing like this thread, that continues to add to the pleasure in my day, every single day.

Thanks, folks. Keep 'em coming.


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## Budda

mhammer said:


> You know, there is crowdsourcing that is just dumb and not likely to amount to anything. And then there is crowdsourcing like this thread, that continues to add to the pleasure in my day, every single day.
> 
> Thanks, folks. Keep 'em coming.


There's a thread on a gear group on facebook under "Change a letter, ruin a band name". It's got 0ver 500 replies as of last night and there's some real gems.

Perhaps we should start that thread here too...


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## butterknucket




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## butterknucket




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## butterknucket




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## butterknucket




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## butterknucket




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## butterknucket




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## butterknucket




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## butterknucket




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## butterknucket




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## butterknucket




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## butterknucket




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## butterknucket




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## GuitarT

A seal walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What can I get you?". The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks".


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## zontar

Dyslexics of the world--UNTIE!


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## butterknucket




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## butterknucket




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## J-75

You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish (?)


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## butterknucket

J-75 said:


> You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish (?)


Unless you're a bass player


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## zontar

Next Cars sequel scene--McQueen's driving in the woods. There's no one around and his phone is dead. Out of the corner of his eye, he spots him:
Shia LaBus.


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## butterknucket

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.


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## zontar




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## knight_yyz




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## butterknucket

Why did the cyclops stop teaching?
Because he only had one pupil.


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## zontar

An oldie--but a goodie:

A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims.

At this point, you must understand two things:


There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.
There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.
It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes.

Once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews. After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."

Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."

So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. Katims was furious! And why not? After all...

It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.


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## greco

zontar said:


> An oldie--but a goodie:
> 
> A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims......
> 
> After all...
> 
> It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.


Thanks for my morning laugh! Excellent!


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## Guest




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## butterknucket

They say that diarrhea is hereditary

It runs in your jeans


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## zontar

laristotle said:


>


The flat earth society has members all around the globe...


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## amagras

zontar said:


> The flat earth society has members all around the globe...


ROFLMAO


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## Lola

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.


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## Lola

I just found out I am color blind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.


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## Lola

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I have been tripping all day!


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## Lola

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? Attire.


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## Steadfastly

zontar said:


> An oldie--but a goodie:
> 
> A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims.
> 
> At this point, you must understand two things:
> 
> 
> There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.
> There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.
> It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes.
> 
> Once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews. After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."
> 
> Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."
> 
> So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. Katims was furious! And why not? After all...
> 
> It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.




I had to send this one to my Father-in-law who is a retired orchestra conductor.


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## Lola

Yesterday a clown held a door open for me.

I thought it was a nice jester.


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## Lola

What's the worst thing about throwing a party in space?

You have to planet!


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## Lola

I ate too much Middle Eastern food.

Now I Falafel.


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## Lola

It was an emotional wedding.

Even the cake was in tiers.


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## butterknucket

What did the excited farmer do when spring came? 

He wet his plants.


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## zontar




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## zontar

The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking...




..


But the invention of the broom truly swept the nation.


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## Lola

I asked a Frenchman if he played video games, he said Wii.


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## Lola

How do you make antifreeze? 

Steal her blanket.


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## Jim DaddyO

When you're dancin' with your honey
and your nose feel kinda runny
you think it's kinda funny
but it's not.


----------



## Lola

Jim DaddyO said:


> When you're dancin' with your honey
> and your nose feel kinda runny
> you think it's kinda funny
> but it's not.


How I remember this little ditty! My brothers used to sing this in the house when I was little! My parents objected to them singing this "vile" song!


----------



## Kenmac

Subway has come out with a sandwich for dogs and cats.


The Paw-nini.


----------



## butterknucket

Have you all heard about the top secret bakery? 

I didn't think so, it's on a knead to dough basis.


----------



## mister.zed

Why can't you tell a joke to a kleptomaniac?

They take everything literally.


----------



## dodgechargerfan

When I met Canadian astronaut Chris Hadfield, I didn’t want to be all gushy and ask stupid questions that he’d answered a million times, so I asked him what his favourite astronaut joke was that I could tell to my grandkids.

Here’s what he gave me:

If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get?



Missle toe.


We then chatted a bit about his recently born grand daughter that he hadn’t even met yet because she lives in another country. Such a cool guy.


----------



## dodgechargerfan

This one is awful, but I heard it before I understood the meaning and when I grew up and realised what it was about, it stuck with me.


How do you make a hormone?



Don’t pay her.


----------



## Jim DaddyO

I never argue with my wife......I just dicker.


----------



## Guest

Jim DaddyO said:


> I never argue with my wife...


When I do, I always get the last word .......... yes dear.


----------



## Jim DaddyO




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar

Did you hear about the con artist & the guitar player?
He kept stringing him along.


----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar




----------



## Guest




----------



## Guest




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## zontar




----------



## Guest




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket

I used to have a job collecting leaves. I was raking it in.


----------



## mhammer

*RIM SHOT!!!*


----------



## zontar




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar




----------



## Hamstrung




----------



## zontar

Hamstrung said:


> View attachment 143393


That one is a classic--and I like seeing it pop up all over the place...


----------



## zontar




----------



## Guest




----------



## zontar

This guy said he was going to hit me with the neck of a guitar. I said, "Is that a fret?"


----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket

Thanks for explaining the word 'many' to me. It means a lot.


----------



## butterknucket

I took a Viagra and it got stuck in my throat. I've had a stiff neck all day.


----------



## butterknucket

I was just fired from the keyboard factory today. I wasn't putting in enough shifts.


----------



## Guest




----------



## Guest




----------



## Guest




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar

Leather armour is best for sneaking around.

It's made of hide...


----------



## LexxM3




----------



## zontar

My friends have been trying to get me to go spelunking for some time now, well yesterday I finally caved...


----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar

Posted this elsewhere--but it fits here as well...


----------



## amagras

zontar said:


> Posted this elsewhere--but it fits here as well...


That's a good Clavier to ride on!


----------



## bzrkrage

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## zontar

bzrkrage said:


> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


I might be missing a pun--but it made me laugh...


----------



## bzrkrage

Sent from my other brain.


----------



## Hamstrung




----------



## zontar

Would a loose leaf belt be a waste of paper?


----------



## Jim DaddyO

Some really old ones that are really REALLY bad:

I once met a lady with no arms or legs crying on the beach. I asked what the matter was and she said "I have never been fucked". I took her gently in my arms and walked out to deep water where the surf was crashing and as I let her go I said "Well, you're fucked now".

I knew a guy who lived floating in a pool, his name was Bob.

I knew a guy who lived in a ditch, his name was Doug. His brother lived in a hole and was named Phil.


----------



## bzrkrage

Q:What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea

Q:What do you call a deer with no eyes &no legs?
A: Still no idea

Q:What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs & no dick?
A: Still no fu#*ing idea.


----------



## zontar

I'm very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet--I don't know why


----------



## butterknucket

Elvis Costello and Abba are touring together this summer but they haven't figured out who the headliner will be. So, watch for Abba and Costello to find out who's on first.


----------



## Steadfastly

butterknucket said:


> Elvis Costello and Abba are touring together this summer but they haven't figured out who the headliner will be. So, watch for Abba and Costello to find out who's on first.


Who's on second. Guess Who's on third?


----------



## rollingdam

Definition of Pokemon-Rastafarian Proctologist


----------



## butterknucket

I've just started a business building yachts from home. Sails are going through the roof.


----------



## BMW-KTM

dodgechargerfan said:


> How do you make a hormone?


Take the weight off your knees and elbows.


----------



## butterknucket




----------



## Guest




----------



## butterknucket

6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down!


----------



## butterknucket

You never hear of Accountants getting attacked, there must be safety in numbers.


----------



## Guest




----------



## zontar

Learning to collect trash wasn't that hard.
I just picked it up as I went along


----------



## Guest

__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1864581996925741


----------



## zontar

Pencils could be made with erasers on both ends--but what would be the point?


----------



## Steadfastly

zontar said:


> Pencils could be made with erasers on both ends--but what would be the point?


My wife laughed out loud.


----------



## Guest




----------



## Guest




----------



## zontar

I often say to myself, "I can't believe that cloning machine worked!"


----------



## LexxM3

This was in my FB feed this morning ...


----------



## Guest




----------



## Guest




----------



## Guest




----------



## amagras

I didn't get the last 5 or 6 posts


----------



## zontar

laristotle said:


>


I have this one saved somewhere--it made me laugh out loud--literally...


----------



## zontar

I was going to post a joke about a TV controller--except it wasn't remotely funny.


----------



## Daniel Grenier

Need an ark? I Noah guy!


----------



## zontar

I have a Speed Bump phobia--but I am slowly getting over it


----------



## Guest




----------



## zontar

laristotle said:


>


My brother & I had a long conversation of songs changing words to Llama--mostly "Mama"--I'm not sure we included this one...
Llama, just killed a man...
Stuff like that.


----------



## Guest




----------



## zontar

And my Llama said, it's good to be factual...

Your Llama don't dance

Llama told me not to come

Llama said knock you out

Llama, Llama, I'm coming home

a few more


----------



## butterknucket

My dad died because we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept saying "Be positive" but it's hard without him.


----------



## zontar

I'm working on a device that will read minds--I'd love to hear your thoughts...


----------



## Guest




----------



## Guest




----------



## mhammer

There are threads that make you frown. Threads that seem to only be interested in an argument. And threads that make you shake your head in bewilderment.

This thread brings a smile to my face every time I check in on it.


----------



## zontar

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen the mall


----------



## Steadfastly

Did you hear about the auto body shop that just opened? It comes highly wreck-a-mended.


----------



## butterknucket

PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.


----------



## Guest




----------



## Daniel Grenier

butterknucket said:


> PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.


Yeah but do you know why they call it PMS? 
That’s because MAD COW was already taken!


----------



## Steadfastly

We’ve really got to guitar act together.


----------



## Guest




----------



## brucew

Told the wife I had to call the doctor. "Which doctor?" No, just a regular one.
Went to the zoo but all they had was a dog. It was a shih tzu.
I stayed up all night waiting for the sun. Then it dawned on me.
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.
I just found out I'm colorblind, it came completely out of the purple.

Ba dum tiss.
I'll be here all week, try the fish.


----------



## Guest




----------



## zontar




----------



## Guest




----------



## Guest




----------



## butterknucket

My decision to open a botox clinic has raised a few eyebrows.


----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst...


----------



## knight_yyz




----------



## zontar

I feel sorry for archaeologists--their careers are in ruins...


----------



## Guest




----------



## zontar

I once ate my watch--it was time consuming


----------



## Guest

I sometimes have bad bouts of kleptomania.
But it's alright .. I just take something for it.


----------



## zontar

You know, kleptomaniacs don't understand puns, they take things ...literally


----------



## Guest




----------



## Guest




----------



## Steadfastly

I had to get rid of my dobro guitar. It was just resonating on me.


----------



## zontar

Steadfastly said:


> I had to get rid of my dobro guitar. It was just resonating on me.


Did it string you along?


----------



## Guest




----------



## zontar

I once offered dinner to a teddy bear--but he said, "No thanks, I'm stuffed!"


----------



## Steadfastly

The Fuller family were having dinner when one member pushed back his chair and said Ï'm full". The rest of the family said "I'm Fuller".


----------



## leftysg

If Han Solo named his ice planet Hoth animal transportation Ronald does that mean he'd be riding Ron-Ton-Ton?


----------



## Guest

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.


----------



## zontar

When she told me she owned 20,000 bees--I knew she was a keeper...


----------



## Guest




----------



## zontar

I am excited about the new reversible jackets & to see how they turn out


----------



## Jim DaddyO

A bear goes into a restaurant and says to the waitress "Give me a grilled................cheese"
The waitress says " Sure, but what's with the pause"
The bears says "Well, I'm a bear"


----------



## fogdart

Masterbation comes in handy.


----------



## zontar

I have a friend who is afraid of escalators--so he is taking steps to avoid them...


----------



## leftysg

Caught this on the news this morning from Richmond Virginia I believe. Last evening a soldier from a nearby military base "borrowed" a well plated military vehicle. He drove it to town and robbed a bank. Although well protected he was easily tracked because of the vehicle's relatively low escape velocity. The police apprehended him a couple of hours later thus ending his "night in stolen armour"!


----------



## LexxM3

leftysg said:


> Caught this on the news this morning from Richmond Virginia I believe. Last evening a soldier from a nearby military base "borrowed" a well plated military vehicle. He drove it to town and robbed a bank. Although well protected he was easily tracked because of the vehicle's relatively low escape velocity. The police apprehended him a couple of hours later thus ending his "night in stolen armour"!


The bonus there is “escape velocity”


----------



## Guest




----------



## Guest




----------



## Guest




----------



## zontar

I don't trust stairs--it's like they're always up to something


----------



## Guest




----------



## Guest




----------



## zontar

My time machine and I go way back...


----------



## Guest




----------



## Guest




----------



## butterknucket

I ran into a girl at a vegan restaurant who said she knew me, but I never met herbivore.


----------



## zontar

A book just fell on my head, and I have nobody but my shelf to blame


----------



## mhammer

We were at IKEA two nights ago, and in the parking lot there was a big sign for a "Fryken" basket. In line at the restaurant/cafeteria, we saw there was a "dalm" cake by the slice. My wife grins and says in a fake angry voice that "After I get my fryken basket, I'm getting my dalm cake!".


----------



## Guest




----------



## Jim DaddyO

Will glass coffins come into style?

Remains to be seen.


----------



## zontar

Olive a good food pun...


----------



## butterknucket




----------



## Guest




----------



## zontar




----------



## Guest




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## zontar




----------



## Guest




----------



## Guest




----------



## High/Deaf

Tree-mendous!


----------



## zontar




----------



## Guest




----------



## zontar




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar




----------



## Jim DaddyO




----------



## High/Deaf

I only know 25 letters in the alphabet, and I don't know Y.


----------



## zontar




----------



## Jim DaddyO




----------



## Guest




----------



## Guest




----------



## Guest




----------



## Guest




----------



## Guest




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## zontar




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## Guest




----------



## High/Deaf

Holy guacamole!


----------



## knight_yyz




----------



## zontar

People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow


----------



## Guest




----------



## Guest




----------



## Guest




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket

Cannibal: someone who is fed up with people.


----------



## zontar




----------



## Guest




----------



## Guest




----------



## zontar




----------



## Chitmo




----------



## mhammer

I can always rely on this thread to bring a smile.


----------



## Guest




----------



## dodgechargerfan




----------



## dodgechargerfan




----------



## dodgechargerfan




----------



## dodgechargerfan




----------



## sambonee

I actually really enjoy this thread. I feel sown together. 

And @laristotle doesn’t sleep. He’s just a pun-hunter.


----------



## dodgechargerfan




----------



## zontar




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar




----------



## Guest




----------



## Guest




----------



## Hamstrung

laristotle said:


>


----------



## chuck_zc

To the guy that stole my anti-depression meds.. I hope you're happy now.


----------



## zontar

Hamstrung said:


> View attachment 225516


I once wrote lyrics with that title (& to Breaking the Law)
I'm sure others have as well.


----------



## High/Deaf

View attachment 225865


----------



## zontar

A visual pun


----------



## Guest




----------



## zontar




----------



## Guest




----------



## Guest




----------



## zontar




----------



## zontar




----------



## zontar




----------



## Jim DaddyO

Have you heard the news about the new corduroy pillow?


It's making headlines all over.


----------



## zontar

Jim DaddyO said:


> Have you heard the news about the new corduroy pillow?
> 
> 
> It's making headlines all over.


Yes I've heard of them...
Still makes me laugh at how bad a pun it is...


Want to hear how to make your guitar sound better?
If so, stay tuned.


----------



## knight_yyz




----------



## zontar

Visual aspect again...


----------



## Guest




----------



## Guest




----------



## zontar

More Bizarro...


----------



## butterknucket




----------



## leftysg

If this is already here, my apologies for doubling up, but this one just tickled my funny bone...multiple times

Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

It was a case of the pot calling the cattle back!

Barum bum. Have a happy Monday!


----------



## Guest




----------



## leftysg

laristotle said:


> View attachment 228640
> 
> View attachment 228642


They must be partaking of a strain known as "Mooey Wowie"


----------



## leftysg

laristotle said:


>


A case of moose taken identity.


----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## zontar




----------



## Guest




----------



## zontar




----------



## Guest




----------



## zontar




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## Budda




----------



## zontar




----------



## High/Deaf

A very young prodigy considered herself to be quite spiritual. She hosted a seance, collected the money from the bereaved - and then quietly slipped out the back door, never to return. The headline in the local newspaper read:

*Small Medium at Large*


----------



## butterknucket

When I was little my mom used to feed me alphabet soup claiming I loved it. 

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth.


----------



## butterknucket

Every morning for the past six months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of this year.


----------



## zontar




----------



## Guest




----------



## zontar




----------



## Tarbender

The Romaine empire has fallen.
Caesar is dead.
Lettuce pray.


----------



## BMW-KTM

It's lettuce pray and romaine calm.


----------



## Guest




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar




----------



## ronmac

Don't argue with the string section. Violins never solved anything.


----------



## zontar

There is a spelling error--but it still makes a pun...


----------



## butterknucket

I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today.
Don't worry, I'm not hurt.
It was a soft drink


----------



## zontar

A variation on a previous one...


----------



## Guest




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## High/Deaf

Not really a pun, I suppose (but maybe, kinda, sorta), the shark pun on the previous page brought this to mind:


----------



## zontar




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## Jim DaddyO

I have a cousin who is a proctologist.

He has a real shitty hand shake.


----------



## zontar

A visual one again


----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar




----------



## Guest




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar




----------



## Guest




----------



## zontar




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## Guest




----------



## zontar




----------



## Jim DaddyO

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes.

So, she hugged me.


----------



## John Fisher

Would you call a "charred letter", blackmail? (mad magazine circa 1980ish)


----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar




----------



## Guest




----------



## zontar




----------



## Jim DaddyO

If anyone can find a better fish pun, please let minnow.


----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar

My kids are amazing. They’re what gets me out of bed in the morning.


----------



## Guest




----------



## zontar




----------



## Guest




----------



## zontar




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar




----------



## Guest




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar

This may have been posted--but it's worth re-post of they were:


----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## Guest




----------



## greco

laristotle said:


>


I just paid attention and saw this...DOH!


----------



## zontar




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## zontar




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## Electraglide

butterknucket said:


>


----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar




----------



## keto

zontar said:


>


Man, I love that strip. Best thing since Calvin, I need to buy some of the old stuff.


----------



## Guest




----------



## Guest

keto said:


> Man, I love that strip. Best thing since Calvin, I need to buy some of the old stuff.


----------



## High/Deaf

butterknucket said:


>


Didn't they have an ad campaign years ago with that song. Too bad he was just a spy then and nobody knew who he was.


----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar

laristotle said:


>


I know I've posted this here before, but like the Abbot & Costello sketch it is based on (Third Base!!) I never get tired of it--someone should post it more often.
This & the Pearls one I posted above are two of my favourites.


----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## zontar




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## Hamstrung




----------



## Cardamonfrost

I started a band called 999 megabytes… we still haven’t gotten a gig

C


----------



## zontar




----------



## LexxM3




----------



## LexxM3

Do you know what’s really odd?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
 Numbers not divisible by 2.


----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## Jim DaddyO




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar

Visual pun


----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## mhammer

That's a two-fer. The second pun is on the shelf below Tim Curry, in the form of some product called "Soy Vay". I'd never heard of them, but the quasi-hebrew font suggested an intended pun. I looked them up and the company was started by a couple comprised of a Jewish guy and a Chinese gal, hence the pun name.


----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## LexxM3




----------



## zontar




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## zontar




----------



## Guest




----------



## Electraglide

zontar said:


>


----------



## zontar




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## Guest




----------



## zontar

Kind of visual, kind of subtle, kind of obvious--all in one...


----------



## Electraglide




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## Kenmac




----------



## zontar




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar

The other day I spotted an albino dalmatian.

It was the least I could do.


----------



## Electraglide




----------



## Guest




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar

butterknucket said:


>


I think I posted this as well, but it is amusing, and so I liked it.


----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## Guest




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## zontar




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## butterknucket

People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a good electrician.


----------



## butterknucket




----------



## Guest




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## Electraglide

butterknucket said:


>


Hey, that's Hoover and the DF. Wonder where the VW van went to. Last time I saw them was on the way to Woodstock. I wonder if they ever scored that weed?


----------



## Guest




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## Jim DaddyO

You cannot run through a camp ground
You can only "ran"
because it is past tents.


----------



## Jim DaddyO

If your boat overturns you can wear it on your head

It's cap sized.


----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## Guest




----------



## Jim DaddyO

I'm telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes


It's all about raisin awareness.


----------



## zontar




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## zontar

Sea is for Cookie.


----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## Guest




----------



## zontar




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## Guest




----------



## zontar

(Now I have a song with the wrong words in my head)


----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## Guest




----------



## Guest




----------



## Guest




----------



## zontar

My friends have been after me for weeks to go spelunking.

Well, yesterday I finally caved.


----------



## High/Deaf

@^#@$


----------



## zontar




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## Verne




----------



## zontar




----------



## Guest




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## dodgechargerfan




----------



## Guest




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## Guest




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## Guest




----------



## Jim DaddyO




----------



## Guest




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## Jim DaddyO

How many drummer jokes are there?





At least a Zildjian.


----------



## Electraglide

Jim DaddyO said:


> How many drummer jokes are there?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> At least a Zildjian.


----------



## oldjoat

what do you call a band member with a girlfriend?

well fed.


----------



## Electraglide

oldjoat said:


> what do you call a band member with a girlfriend?
> 
> well fed.


What do you call a bass player with a girlfriend? Dreamer.


----------



## oldjoat

delusional ?


----------



## Electraglide




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## zontar




----------



## sambonee

Electraglide said:


>


Even has the broken cymbal!!


----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## zontar




----------



## Guest




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## zontar




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## zontar




----------



## laristotle




----------



## laristotle




----------



## laristotle




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## LexxM3




----------



## Verne




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## leftysg

Aqualung stopped by the local Victorian walkin clinic and asked to see the doctor.
" Arr ya loblolly boy, I've got me a problem! Let's see what ya can do for it."
"Well my good sir what seem to be the symptoms?"
" Well, lately after chasin' Cross-eyed Mary a little too vigorously, me heel is flarin' up and all I can do is limp on it. I've gone down to the bog to warm it up and even a cuppa at the Sally Ann won't do me no good. What've I got?"
"Hmmm, sore feet, out of breath, too much watching through the railings. I bet I know what it is."
" Don't keep me in suspenders man, out with it "
"Well Aqualung, I believe you've come down with a bad case of ...'panter flasheritis'


----------



## zontar




----------



## High/Deaf

Shiiii......ite. I thought Murphy's Law was: the more you beat up a Les Paul, the more people will pay for it.


----------



## laristotle




----------



## zontar




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## laristotle




----------



## zontar

laristotle said:


> View attachment 270146


Propaganda?
Yes it is--but some good puns & jokes in it


----------



## Electraglide




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket

*eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches*


----------



## butterknucket




----------



## oldjoat

Pink eye ?


----------



## zontar

Somebody stole my limbo stick.

How low can you go?


----------



## Electraglide




----------



## sambonee

@Merlin tbis ones for you!! 



zontar said:


>


----------



## butterknucket




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## zontar

I went to buy 6 cans of Sprite, but I accidentally picked 7 Up


----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## keto




----------



## laristotle




----------



## laristotle




----------



## laristotle




----------



## laristotle




----------



## zontar




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## Verne




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## zontar




----------



## zontar

High/Deaf said:


> View attachment 273372


Guitar done


----------



## Electraglide




----------



## laristotle




----------



## sambonee

I sent out a text to Group of people I knew. It was about my smoked pork business launch. One said it was spam and Said to stop - and I said I don’t smoke spam, that’s from a can.


----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## Verne

The Vatican has passed a statement that you can now date nuns, they just ask that you don't get into the habit.


----------



## zontar




----------



## laristotle




----------



## laristotle




----------



## laristotle




----------



## zontar




----------



## zontar

laristotle said:


>


When I first saw this I had to save it--probably more of being a fan of Bach and not a fan of EDM


----------



## laristotle




----------



## laristotle




----------



## laristotle




----------



## laristotle




----------



## laristotle




----------



## amagras

High/Deaf said:


> View attachment 273372


Got me


----------



## allthumbs56

amagras said:


> Got me


"Accordian ......................"


----------



## laristotle




----------



## WCGill

That's the sadist pun I've ever heard/read.


----------



## Electraglide




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## zontar




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## zontar




----------



## High/Deaf

Man walks into a lounge. The doorman says, "Sorry sir, but you have to wear a tie to come in here."

Man goes back to his car, rifles through the front and back seat for a tie or anything that will work. Finds some booster cables in the trunk so he wraps them around his neck. He walks back in the lounge and says, "Is this acceptable." The doorman replies, "OK. But don't start anything."


----------



## leftysg

zontar said:


>


Most need their mummy's to help them with their homework.


----------



## leftysg

leftysg said:


> Most need their mummy's to help them with their homework.


...sorry


----------



## zontar




----------



## laristotle




----------



## laristotle




----------



## laristotle




----------



## 12 stringer

I bought a jacket. My girlfriend put a lighter to it. Now it’s a blazer.


----------



## Electraglide




----------



## zontar




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## zontar




----------



## laristotle




----------



## JazzyT

12 stringer said:


> I bought a jacket. My girlfriend put a lighter to it. Now it’s a blazer.


Were we listening to the same CBC interview with Brian Bilston?

Brian Bilston may be the Banksy of poetry | CBC Radio


**********************************************

Smoking Jacket

He got himself a smoking jacket;

he thought it would amaze her.



But she just put a match to it

and it turned into a blazer.

**********************************************

America is a Gun

England is a cup of tea.

France, a wheel of ripened brie.

Greece, a short, squat olive tree.

America is a gun.



Brazil is football on the sand.

Argentina, Maradona's hand.

Germany, an oompah band.

America is a gun.



Holland is a wooden shoe.

Hungary, a goulash stew.

Australia, a kangaroo.

America is a gun.



Japan is a thermal spring.

Scotland is a highland fling.

Oh, better to be anything

than America as a gun.


----------



## 12 stringer

JazzyT said:


> Were we listening to the same CBC interview with Brian Bilston?
> 
> Brian Bilston may be the Banksy of poetry | CBC Radio
> 
> Yeap .... what an interesting character! I loved his "America is a Gun" too.
> 
> **********************************************


----------



## zontar




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## zontar




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## laristotle




----------



## Electraglide

laristotle said:


>


Don't laugh.  About 90% of the Sikhs around here seem to be wearing "prewrapped" turbans so they have to be getting them from some where. Maybe from Amazon.


----------



## zontar




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## leftysg

Dr. Frankenstein and the monster were out for a walk early November 1st morning. As they were strolling, the monster made an interesting observation." Uhhh, look like lots of sausage casings on ground this morning. Wonder what from?"
"Well, that's good spotting and well answered my dear monster, you see they came from all the hollow wieners out last night".
"Uhhhhhhhh."


----------



## laristotle




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## laristotle




----------



## dodgechargerfan




----------



## dodgechargerfan




----------



## zontar




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## laristotle




----------



## Electraglide

In between the walk to the pub and the stagger back


----------



## zontar




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## laristotle




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## zontar

A mime was arrested after he broke his left arm in a fight.

He still has the right to remain silent.


----------



## laristotle




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## zontar




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## Electraglide

6 White Boomers, snow white Boomers......


----------



## oldjoat

wait a minute, ... I thought white men can't jump .


----------



## Electraglide

oldjoat said:


> wait a minute, ... I thought white men can't jump .


They can if they're Boomers.


----------



## allthumbs56

Electraglide said:


> They can if they're Boomers.


Just can't dance


----------



## oldjoat

it's called the spastic shuffle.


----------



## Electraglide

oldjoat said:


> it's called the spastic shuffle.


One arm around her shoulders and one hand on her ass, her lips on your neck while Unchained Melody is playing.....slow and close is all the vertical dancing I need.


----------



## zontar




----------



## laristotle




----------



## laristotle




----------



## laristotle




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## zontar




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## zontar




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## Budda




----------



## Verne

Good thing I read that before too many boxing day ciders!!


----------



## Jim DaddyO

Does Santa pay for parking on Christmas?

NO....It's on the house.


----------



## laristotle

In all the movies, Santa never goes to the house directly next door. 
He always gets in his sleigh & flies off like 20 miles east.


----------



## Electraglide




----------



## Jimmy The Gent

I haven't read the whole forum but Deep Purple's Knocking at you back door has "common cunning linguist".


----------



## Electraglide

Jimmy The Gent said:


> I haven't read the whole forum but Deep Purple's Knocking at you back door has "common cunning linguist".


I'd say more like the moons Titania or Ariel.


----------



## zontar




----------



## laristotle




----------



## zontar




----------



## zontar




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## laristotle




----------



## zontar




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## zontar




----------



## laristotle




----------



## laristotle




----------



## laristotle




----------



## laristotle




----------



## zontar

laristotle said:


> View attachment 291962


I thought I posted this already--oh well, it still amuses me.


----------



## zontar




----------



## laristotle

zontar said:


> I thought I posted this already--oh well, it still amuses me.


Aye. Me too.
You can repost it again in a coupla' weeks. lol


----------



## zontar

laristotle said:


> Aye. Me too.
> You can repost it again in a coupla' weeks. lol


Or somebody else can--sounds about right time wise.


----------



## zontar

You've really got to hand it to short people...

Because they probably can't reach it.


----------



## laristotle




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## zontar




----------



## John Reilly

A cross eyed , constipated math prophesier had a problem controlling his pupils , so he worked it out with a pencil .

There is a cure for kleptomania , you can always take something for it .

At what time did the Chinese speaking man say his dentist appointment was ? , ... 2.30 

DON`T take sex enhancing drugs with alcohol , the inverse effects could cause you to cealise in wonder land .

I thought a good clothing product for the 80s would have been acid rain coats .

Or a beer named applauses , so you would order it by the round .

The autistic dyslexic epileptic who suffered from moonerspizisms .

If from your youth on you store your hair brush in a drawer after use you will never loose your hair .


----------



## Jim DaddyO

Me: So you're saying I can touch myself anytime I please?

Doctor: What I said is that you could have a stroke at any time.


----------



## chuck_zc

To the guy that stole my glasses. I will catch you. I have contacts...


----------



## Jim DaddyO

Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.

Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here. Use cream.


----------



## laristotle




----------



## zontar




----------



## laristotle




----------



## laristotle




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## Electraglide

laristotle said:


> View attachment 293630


Nice looking Shovel tho. WideGlide front end, rigid frame, tank's too small for my liking and no Apes but you can't have them all.


----------



## laristotle

Something to give to the grankids to help them learn balance.
Also would look cooler in the living room than a rockin' horse. lol


----------



## zontar




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## zontar




----------



## laristotle




----------



## Electraglide

laristotle said:


> Something to give to the grankids to help them learn balance.
> Also would look cooler in the living room than a rockin' horse. lol


You mean something like this?


----------



## reckless toboggan

KISS Army is to 1978 as Juggalo is to 2008.


----------



## zontar




----------



## Budda

I may apply to Air Canada. It's a pilot project.


----------



## Doug Gifford




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## Doug Gifford




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## zontar




----------



## laristotle




----------



## Electraglide

Are you sure?


----------



## reckless toboggan




----------



## Electraglide

and Droxine


----------



## laristotle

what is .. kiss?


----------



## Electraglide

Kiss (not the band) or K.I.S.S.? It could be a preliminary invitation to a southern invasion.


----------



## Electraglide

Random Thought Generator!


----------



## zontar

And here I thought this was the pun thread.


----------



## High/Deaf

It _was ......... 









_


----------



## LexxM3




----------



## zontar




----------



## High/Deaf

Travolta had excellent medical care .....


----------



## zontar




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## zontar

High/Deaf said:


> View attachment 299272


----------



## zontar




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## zontar




----------



## laristotle




----------



## zontar




----------



## laristotle




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## zontar




----------



## Electraglide

zontar said:


>


----------



## zontar

Electraglide said:


>


No, I will show MYSELF out.

No assistance needed.


----------



## laristotle




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## zontar




----------



## zontar




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## zontar

I got hit in the head with a can of Coke today.

I'm okay

It was a soft drink.


----------



## Jim DaddyO

Hockey is cancelled as the Zamboni driver is missing
It will continue as soon as he resurfaces.


----------



## Electraglide




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## zontar




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## zontar




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## Doug Gifford

Electraglide said:


>


They reopened the Lego Store. People lined up for blocks.


----------



## sambonee

Doug Gifford said:


> They reopened the Lego Store. People lined up for blocks.


Did you just make that one up? If so. Nice one!! If not still funny. 

Hemingway and Billy Gibbons came out with a sequel to Farewell to Arms; it’s called Hello to Legs


----------



## Doug Gifford

sambonee said:


> Did you just make that one up? If so. Nice one!! If not still funny.


No, saw it on fb. Liked it. Then saw EG's lego post.


----------



## Hear Ye Music

__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=3052962718074026


----------



## zontar




----------



## Electraglide

This ones for Samoa.


----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## Jim DaddyO

This coffee tastes like mud

...

Well it was fresh ground this morning​


----------



## butterknucket

You know what they say about beets? 

You can't beat 'em.


----------



## zontar




----------



## Jim DaddyO

I lost my mood ring today....

I'm not sure how I feel about it.


----------



## Electraglide

mhammer said:


> A big part of this is absolutely 100% true, the pun just piggybacks on the opportunity it provides.
> 
> 30 years ago, when we lived in Victoria, in an apartment near the intersection of Cook St. and Fort (if you know the neighbourhood), there were two corner stores just down the street from us. One was Wong's, which I frequented because I could get my guitar mags there. Directly across the street from it was another corner store called Whyte's. While the one had a newsstand and the other didn't, if you were strolling down the aisles with the canned goods and non-perishables, you couldn't tell Wong from Whyte.
> 
> Ten years prior, I was working in a neuroscience lab, studying brain-lesioned rats and hormones. The electrodes used to make the lesions would often leave a so-called "track" in the region where the damage had been done. We were collaborating with another lab. I would do the surgery, and ship the animals to them, and they would return the brains for us to slice and analyse. For reasons I never understood, they decided that somehow they could do the chemical analysis with half the brain and we would somehow be able to assess the extent of damage with the other half. The logic of this escaped me since such lesions were rarely perfectly symmetrical.
> 
> So far, a pretty boring set-up.
> 
> I'm looking at the slices under the microscope with my supervisor/prof and we see a track, but are stumped by what might have laid on the other side. I turned to her and declared: "I guess this rat had a one-track mind".
> 
> I believe that is what they used to call a "groaner" on the old CBC kid's show _Razzle Dazzle_.


The in the late 70's the owners of Whytes had a daughter and the owners of Wongs had two sons. The boys had the hots for the girl but nothing ever came of it because everyone knows two Wongs don't make a Whyte. For a while, before she moved out by UVIC my mom lived in that area when she worked for CFAX and then CHEK. Used to stop here a bit.








but I don't recall it being so fancy.


----------



## zontar




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## Stephenlouis

I have a few puns about unemployed people, but none of them work.


----------



## mhammer

https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20160308-the-curse-of-the-people-who-cant-stop-making-puns


----------



## zontar




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## Lola

Electraglide said:


> [/


----------



## zontar




----------



## Diablo

Jim DaddyO said:


> I lost my mood ring today....
> 
> I'm not sure how I feel about it.


that is soooo Steven Wright


----------



## Tarbender




----------



## laristotle

zontar said:


>


----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## Lola

High/Deaf said:


> View attachment 322968


Just what I needed, to laugh my ass off. Good one High Deaf!


----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## butterknucket




----------



## Tarbender

Isn't this suppose to be puns? What's with the "Dad" jokes?


----------



## High/Deaf

Lola said:


> Just what I needed, to laugh my ass off. Good one High Deaf!


I couldn't help but use my internal Liam Neeson voice when I read it. "I have a particular set of skills ......"


----------



## zontar




----------



## Electraglide

Tarbender said:


> Isn't this suppose to be puns? What's with the "Dad" jokes?


----------



## Electraglide




----------



## zontar




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## zontar

I knew a woman who owned a taser. Man, was she stunning!


----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## zontar




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## laristotle




----------



## zontar

How did Louis XIV feel after completing the Palace of Versailles?
Baroque.


----------



## spacebard




----------



## zontar

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


----------



## Diablo

zontar said:


> How did Louis XIV feel after completing the Palace of Versailles?
> Baroque.


wow, thats some Dennis Miller /Kelsey Grammer level shit right there 

as for puns, i always liked the british expression...."he has more pounds than cents (sense)".


----------



## zontar

I know a lot of people don't like Dennis Miller because he makes some references over their head or out of their area of expertise/knowledge/experience
But sometimes he can be quite hilarious.
Whether I agree with him or not. (& I do both of those-depending on the topic)


----------



## zontar

A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


----------



## Diablo

zontar said:


> Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


That one reminded me of one a jewish guy once told me...he worked as a "moyle"...and would always say "...the pay isnt good, but you get a lot of tips".


----------



## zontar

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


----------



## laristotle




----------



## laristotle




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## zontar

Electraglide said:


> View attachment 328376
> 
> View attachment 328377


Not sure those are puns--btu they are funny, even if I've heard them before.
They still amuse.

A similar joke I heard by a stand up comedian was about his door bell ringing on a Saturday morning & two guys were at the door-they were Atheists witnesses-he asked them what they wanted, they said, "Nothing"


----------



## zontar

Then there was the monk who converted a guy from the village they were near--and he got him to also join the monastery

It was a two point conversion.


----------



## Electraglide

You want your Halloween costume to go viral, dress up like this


----------



## laristotle




----------



## zontar

Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.


----------



## butterknucket

My cat's name is Boston because he's more than a feline.


----------



## chuck_zc

Are the items in a broken vending machine indispensable???


----------



## Electraglide

laristotle said:


> View attachment 332145


Looks like my last ex when menopause hit.


----------



## zontar

Why couldn't Robert Plant pay for a gumball? No quarter.


----------



## brucew




----------



## Electraglide

They say the victims name is Jehovah and the police are looking for witnesses


----------



## chuck_zc

Electraglide said:


> They say the victims name is Jehovah and the police are looking for witnesses


----------



## Electraglide

Why weren't there multiple seasons of crucifixions?

People lost interest after the Pilate episode.


----------



## zontar

I learned today that in ancient times, the people who sold precious metals were required to refine the ore themselves. In other words, he who smelt it, dealt it.


----------



## Electraglide

Kenny Rogers on inflatable sex dolls...."You gotta know when to hold'em, know when to fold'em"


----------



## dmc69

The worst toilet paper is Star Trek toilet paper. It leaves Klingons around Uranus.


----------



## laristotle




----------



## zontar

Why don’t more people tell weather puns?

Because the weather is snow joke!


----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## zontar




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## zontar

I’m going to try velcro instead of shoe laces. 
Why knot?


----------



## butterknucket

Quarter pounder


__
https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/jt8nz7


----------



## slag banal

Three words, all puns: Two brothers started a ranch and called it,
where the SUN’S RAYS MEET.

Any others with three or more?


----------



## zontar

No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.


----------



## laristotle




----------



## zontar

I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.


----------



## Electraglide

laristotle said:


> View attachment 336324


They tried to do this but it folded.


----------



## laristotle




----------



## zontar

Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.


----------



## Electraglide




----------



## spacebard




----------



## zontar

Electraglide said:


> View attachment 337368


I've seen this before, and knowing K. Wong with a good sense of humour, this amuses more than it should.
(& Mr Wong is amused by it as well.)


----------



## laristotle




----------



## Waldo97




----------



## zontar

Velcro… what a rip-off.


----------



## Paul Running




----------



## zontar

My girlfriend thought I'd never be able to make a car out of spaghetti… You should've seen her face when I drove pasta!


----------



## Electraglide

zontar said:


> My girlfriend thought I'd never be able to make a car out of spaghetti… You should've seen her face when I drove pasta!


----------



## Electraglide




----------



## oldjoat

howie the turtle !


----------



## Electraglide

oldjoat said:


> View attachment 338385
> 
> 
> howie the turtle !


I do believe it's Howard. He was big on groaners.


----------



## zontar

There's a guy in town who walks around talking to himself using only figurative language. We call him the Village Idiom.


----------



## laristotle




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## zontar




----------



## Electraglide




----------



## butterknucket

*Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?*








Because he took a leek!


----------



## zontar

My friend Joe went on the Dolly Parton diet.

It made Joe Lean, Joe Lean, Joe Lean, Joe Lean.


----------



## dolphinstreet

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## zontar

Everybody's protesting something.


----------



## Electraglide




----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## zontar

The Muppets teamed up with NASA to name a newly discovered celestial object.

Upon its first sighting, the Jim Henson Company issued a press release, "Comet the frog here."


----------



## laristotle




----------



## Electraglide

laristotle said:


> View attachment 341837


R E S P E C T.


----------



## High/Deaf




----------



## Jim DaddyO

On Jan 1
For the fist time in history
Hindsight will actually be 2020​


----------



## zontar

Two egotists started a fight. It was an I for an I!


----------



## laristotle




----------



## laristotle




----------



## zontar

I'm glad I know sign language. It can come in pretty handy!


----------



## Jim DaddyO

While the invention of the shovel was ground breaking. The invention of the broom swept the world.


----------



## zontar

But the vacuum cleaner sucked


----------



## Stephenlouis

I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.


----------



## zontar

Looks tasty. Gimme a pizza that.


----------



## Jim DaddyO

Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into the meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work.


----------



## Jim DaddyO

Water is heavier than butane because butane is a lighter fluid.


----------



## Jim DaddyO

The girl in the middle of the tennis court is Annette.


----------



## zontar

I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I just don’t know why.


----------



## brucew

Not really a pun, but I thought it cute.


----------



## brucew




----------



## zontar

brucew said:


> Not really a pun, but I thought it cute.
> View attachment 344666


No that is a pun--working off two definitions of the word "Duck"

My brother has a picture in his home of a duck with a bullet hole over his head--same idea


----------



## chuck_zc

It’s kinda punny...


----------



## laristotle




----------



## Electraglide

laristotle said:


> View attachment 346123


----------



## zontar

I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.



Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.


----------



## brucew

A woman was arrested for beating her husband with his guitars. Officer asked, "First offender?"

"No, first a gibson, then a fender".


----------



## BGood

The situation is under control.


----------



## Electraglide

Wrong place.


----------



## Doug Gifford




----------



## zontar

What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?

Swing.


----------



## Electraglide

zontar said:


> What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
> 
> Swing.


Do Wah Do Wah Do Wah Do Wah.


----------



## laristotle




----------



## allthumbs56

Electraglide said:


> Do Wah Do Wah Do Wah Do Wah.
> View attachment 348545


She's gotta work on that grip


----------



## Electraglide

allthumbs56 said:


> She's gotta work on that grip


Oh, for golf. Wouldn't know about that, I don't golf but otherwise her grip looks fine.


----------



## laristotle

Grip?! Oh yeah, grip.


----------



## Jim DaddyO

Some puns make me numb. Math puns make me number.


----------



## brucew




----------



## zontar

A doctor insisted on stitching up his own wound. The nurse said, “Suture self.”


----------



## Electraglide




----------



## Jim DaddyO

I like puns about elevators.

They are funny on so many levels.


----------



## zontar

Did you hear about the boy scout who started a business fixing broken car horns? 

He called it Beep Repaired.


----------



## Tarbender




----------



## zontar

Tarbender said:


> View attachment 353072


Says someone whose username is a pun.
(And a spoonerism as well)


----------



## brucew




----------



## zontar

A man bought a wig for $1

It was a small price toupee


----------



## brucew




----------



## brucew




----------



## laristotle

He does good work


----------



## zontar




----------



## scotth

Puns make me numb.

Math puns make me number.


----------



## Jim DaddyO

I have been ordering hatchets from
different countries around the world 
and smelling them

I just love foreign axe scents​


----------



## laristotle




----------



## zontar

For his birthday I got my friend a telepathic abacus

It's the thought that counts


----------



## leftysg

Young Marco lived in a small Mediterranean village. His father was a baker with the reputation of making the most delicious items from the most unusual ingredients. 
Early one spring morning, Marco was exploring the countryside after breakfast when he encountered a tree unknown to him with long brown pods hanging from its branches. Next to it, just outside its shade were some wonderfully aromatic bushy plants. Marco had a baking brainwave and raced home to tell his dad of his find! 
Leading him by the hand, Marco tugged his indulging father back to the site of his arboreal discovery only to find empty holes where the vegetation had been uprooted and removed! 
"But father I don't understand. They were right here and would have made the most delicious baking combination!"
Shaking his head sadly, the baker replied "oh Marco, it appears they were only the " figmint" of your imagination!


----------



## Midnight Rider

BGood said:


> The greatest: You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.












*Or can you,...







*


----------



## Midnight Rider

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve!


----------



## zontar

I’m addicted to brake fluid, but it’s OK because I can stop at any time.


----------



## Doug Gifford




----------



## zontar

What do you say to a Llama that loves picnicking? 




Alpaca lunch.


----------



## butterknucket

__
https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/mxvlhb


----------



## 2manyGuitars




----------



## zontar




----------



## Tarbender

Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii or just a low ha?


----------



## zontar

My friend keeps saying, "Cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a while full of water."

I know he means well.


----------



## laristotle




----------



## zontar




----------



## mhammer

It has pretty much turned into the "Mary Worth" of this generation, but I have to confess that 
"Crankshaft" is one of my regular reads in the newspaper comics section. Though much of the strip revolves around people my age or older, one of the threads concerns a young couple who bought an old theatre that they had been operating as a repertory movie house, until the pandemic deprived them of all income and now they have to sell the place and start over. So that's the back story. Turns out the buyers intend to turn it into a strip club, which brings us to today's instalment and accompanying pun....


----------



## laristotle




----------



## laristotle




----------



## laristotle




----------



## laristotle




----------



## Jim DaddyO

If a drummer comes out of retirement.
Will there be repercussions?​


----------



## kelowna

After the Second World the allied troops dropped provisions for hungry Germans from planes. These included cheese, jam, and bread but none of the expected sausage. The packages were accompanied by a note that said "the wurst is yet to come".


----------



## Doug Gifford

kelowna said:


> After the Second World the allied troops dropped provisions for hungry Germans from planes. These included cheese, jam, and bread but none of the expected sausage. The packages were accompanied by a note that said "the wurst is yet to come".


My mother-in-law was born in 1938 in Duisburg Germany. She said that the worst really _was_ the years after the end of the war.


----------



## zontar

If you’re considering working in a prison library, you’ll need to consider both the prose and the cons.


----------



## mhammer

Thyme on my hands.


----------



## zontar

A patient sobs to his doctor, "I feel like a pair of curtains!"

Doctor: "Well pull yourself together man!


----------



## laristotle




----------



## leftysg

With apologies to Abbott and Costello and the Stones...

A: Well Costello, did you see that new band the Rolling Stones on Ed Sullivan last night?

C: Oh yes, I'm a big fan.

A: Well, if you're a big fan you must know all the guys in the band.

C: I certainly do.

A: Well, which one's your favourite?

C: Oh, I really like that drummer. I dig that groovy beat. What's his name?

A: Precisely.

C: What's that you say?

A: Exactly. Good for you Lou. You really do know the guys. How about the bass player?

C: Why man?I thought we were trying to name the drummer. Listen, you are starting to bug me Abbott.

A: What's the matter with you Costello? I ask your their names, and you tell me with no problem! You should be proud. By the way, did you know they make quite a bit of money.

C: Really, maybe I could join. Say, which one's richer than the others?

A: Oh, that would be the guitar player.

C: Who?

A: Richards.

C: He's richer?

A: Yes, the guitar player?

C: Who? What's his name? Why man?

A: No, those are the drummer and bass player. I'm sure they make loads of money too.

C: Bud, I can't get no satisfaction from you.

A: Wonderful, can you hum a few bars?


----------



## mhammer

Bit of a stretch, but many parts worked. I give it a B+.


----------



## laristotle




----------



## zontar

laristotle said:


> View attachment 377530


the best part is that he included "Third Base"


----------



## zontar

What's the difference between a well Dressed man on a bicycle & a poorly dressed man on a tricycle?

It's a matter of attire.


----------



## laristotle




----------



## laristotle




----------



## zontar

Today I yelled into a colander & strained my voice.


----------



## Doug Gifford

zontar said:


> Today I yelled into a colander & strained my voice.


During an early appearance at the Windsor Festival in 1967, Brown wore a colander on his head soaked in methanol. The fuel poured over his head by accident caught fire; two bystanders doused the flames by pouring beer on Brown’s head, preventing any serious injury. The flaming head then became an Arthur Brown signature.


----------



## diyfabtone




----------



## Verne

These are real..........bad, but real

We were having stuffed peppers for dinner, I was asked to get the tongs out of the drawer so we can turn the peppers. I said "then what you want, is Tong Depeppers"

One of our cats is affectionately known as "spawn of satan". He also has a tendency to lose more fur than his brother. It has prompted me to now call him "Loose Fur". I of course repeated it back and got the eye roll of laughter.


----------



## Tarbender

Went to the library this morning to look for the new book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrödinger's Cat.

The librarian said "It rings a bell, but I'm not sure whether it's in or out."


----------



## laristotle




----------



## Paul Running




----------



## zontar

There’s a French Queen Tribute band.

they sing We Are the Champignons.

Such Fun guys.


----------



## SWLABR

laristotle said:


> View attachment 409060


I was chatting with a buddy about this. It was years before I realized Adam Ant is adamant. That had to be on purpose… right? His real name is *Stuart Leslie Goddard *but Wikipedia doesn’t make any mention of how he chose it.


----------



## laristotle

SWLABR said:


> Wikipedia doesn’t make any mention of how he chose it.


He really liked the cartoon as a kid? Like Paul posted.


----------



## Paul Running

Up and at hem...Adam Ant.


----------



## zontar

My story about climbing Mt Everest?

I made it up.


----------



## laristotle




----------



## zontar

Two people performing karaoke should be careful not to overduet


----------



## zontar

Our book club held a meeting to make sure everybody was on the same page


----------



## zontar

The invention of the lever was a pivotal moment in human history


----------



## Paul M

I told my podiatrist I didn't need orthopedic shoes, but I stand corrected.


----------



## laristotle




----------



## zontar

If we got rid of all the margarine, the world would be a butter place.


----------



## laristotle




----------



## Verne




----------



## zontar

My Rastafarian friend asked me to braid his hair.

I’m dreading it.


----------



## WCGill

Nothing to see here.


----------



## Doug Gifford




----------



## WCGill




----------



## zontar

Rocks are like lava, only cooler.


----------



## chuck_zc

Had to cancel my appointment at the sperm bank. Kinda embarrassing calling and telling them sorry I can’t come today..


----------



## dodgechargerfan




----------



## zontar




----------



## Jim DaddyO

I just rented a limo for $300 yesterday.
Today I found out that price does not include a driver.
I can't believe I spent all that money with nothing to chauffer it.​


----------



## zontar




----------

